secretfornow, thank you. Take whatever you felt/feel worked for you and use it however you see fit. You no longer have to play by their rules; you can make your own rules and make your own tools, use pieces-parts, whatever you want to do.

“For every bump, there was a formula or a process, always something that could fix it and make me feel like I was in control. Without that, I felt absolutely out of control.”

Wow. This is very accurate. I no longer have a toolbox of solutions, and the very concept of solutions is a minefield.
I know nothing, and I’m fine with that. (so far)

I’m SO glad for you. Good for YOU!

What do you disagree with Aqua? You don;t think that if people could get the gains CLAIMED for Grade 1 that orgs would be flooded with people?

secretfornow, I have experienced exactly the same thing, the same way. Even though it wasn’t for as many years, it was during my “formative” years. I think the thing that really threw me was not being “in control” like everything in Scn made me “think” I was in control of. For every bump, there was a formula or a process, always something that could fix it and make me feel like I was in control. Without that, I felt absolutely out of control. Since my goals were so fixated on helping people with Scn, I never realistically considered how to accomplish helping others without it. I started to change this by volunteering myself and my girls at a local soup kitchen. We had plenty of storm victims to help in all sorts of ways too. I decided I’d finish college and get a master’s and become a licensed professional counselor. Going back to college gave me discipline and made me organized and gave me tangible goals (grades) and gave me control, at least of myself.
And really, that’s about all you can control is yourself. (opposite to what I believed in Scn)
I changed my goals after the death of my partner, and will become teacher certified to teach high school, where I can have a positive impact that way. It’s a continuing process and I can’t predict or control what will happen in the future and that’s okay with me nowadays.

thanks, that’s astounding. If I don’t call it’s merely because of abject terror and too much to lose. <3

You can call me or a bunch of others. Hugs :). 213-880-3661

🙂

thanks. One of the things that has been chafing lately is the recognition of how on some level it’s like I believe against my will. (I KNOW I’m not alone in this, it’s just the part I’m at!)

So even though I know that all the various tek – o/w, conditions, pts, are just made up crappola, it still lives in my head as the answer and I have to push it away.

I know I know I tell myself, this takes time. I can’t throw off almost 40 years of thinking in a month or a year.

I just so much feel …..empty. It’s like…I don’t know what to think, and I have no trust anymore.

Ha – so here I am, all a’swim, and just trying to breathe in and out…and meannnnwhile, the conditioning is continuously popping up and staying things like, ‘oh, you sound like you’re in confusion, oh, no trust? that’s treason… you need to do treason, etc etc. It doesn’t help that I had wins on every single thing I did until I didn’t. So these condition formulas “helped” at various times.

The scn person I was… was very very very strong and confident. I was Me in spades. I had it all taped out, decades of wins and successes. My whole track was real and fun and OT auditing had been a blast, etc etc. I had a long staff history, hatted up and trained and all these things were WHO I WAS. That was this whole other person.

Now…it’s like, I have nothing in common with that person except the memories.

Without all my answers, with no certainty, with a big swimming head of noise, with pressure and fear of being found out, with having dedicated scios mouthing the stuff about me…

It’s just super hard sometimes.

and then I give myself hell for “being a victim” So….I come here and burble up the crap sometimes.

thanks for listenin! I swear, someday I’ll be in a position to speak freely, and then I want to be able to help others, even if just by listening. Yes, I need to help more. I’ve been branching out into areas of help non-scio, and that is something I should ramp up!!!!! I think that may end some of the pity party introversion insanity that has been troubling the waters lately. 🙂

?a Briacle lol