Oops… thanks Xenos for the clarification.
I naively misunderstood.
I thought these money were real and tangible aid to those in need, instead they only filled them with waste paper.
They never disappoint in being real cheapskates.

I think Mrs B Havrn is saying that the millions were spent on distributing of WTH pamphlets – hardly a good use of money when theirs millions starving, homeless and in need,

Mark, thank you for your kindness and understanding. While I continue to maintain that I am not in the same league with you and others left at great risk of loss of loved and livelihoods, those here whose loved ones turned their backs and disconnected – while in my own mind I do not deserve to be in the same ex-Scientologist tent as those who’ve the courage to make themselves known, at the same time, what I share here are factual accounts of what I observed and what happened, they’re all unexaggeratedly true, and so my stories are true although my name is not. I understand your anger (covered frequently by sharm humor which I enjoy) but believe me in being out of the cult, not hiding and pissed off you are still eons higher on the awareness level than those still in content in all their delusions about Scientology.

Its not hard to ” feel good,” you know. All kinds of drugs, legal and illegal, or enough alcohol can make a person feel terrific for a while. But its a delusion caused by chemical action on the brain or nervous system or whatever. The euphoria is not real. We can all get drunk and start laughing uproarously and feeling great for a while but is this real happiness? No, we’re just numb.

Confronting truth can be incredibly painful but then, who is the better person – someone very careful to not question what he or she may deep down suspect or even know are lies so as to maintain a calm, serene, “uptone” demeanor, OR someone who has confronted the actual scene, what really happened or is happening, etc,. and is furious about it.

Who is more likely to achieve true spiriitual freedom? I would say the latter person, because the anger over what occurred is at least an HONEST reaction to things that actually occurred.

Whereas those who refuse to look and choose to believe the lies are simply numb.

Aquamarine…
Thank you for sharing your experience here. Really.
I always appreciate your thoughtful and often humorous commentary on this blog.
I don’t think you are stupid or cowardly. I think you are being smart and honest and authentic regarding your willingness to reveal your identity. Your insights aren’t any less valuable just because they are shared anonymously. Your journey out of the cult has been yours to craft and explore and learn from-in YOUR way.
Shortly after I walked out of the DC “org” on May 5, 2011, I discovered Tony Ortega’s Underground Bunker…and I began to read his articles and posts voraciously. When I finally decided to post comments there, I committed to using my real name and photo. I was so angry and disgusted and depressed and heart-broken about my scientology experience, especially my disastrous and traumatic staff experience, and publicly giving the organization and its more sadistic, sociopathic members a big, public middle finger on a blog that OSA monitored gave me a ton of relief as I untwisted my cult-fucked mind and heart. I was inspired by the stories of others-like Mike-who faced much harsher injustices over longer periods of time and STILL managed to deprogram themselves and rebuild their lives.
I have come to truly appreciate the different stories and viewpoints of the commenters here. I am grateful for Rinder’s ongoing, committed, give-zero-fucks opposition to Little Missmanage’s Intergalactic Asset-Hoovering Mind-Fuck Cartel. And I continue to enjoy your comments, too.
Cheers😎

🙂

Three thumbs up

I relate very much to these points of yours. “Emotional healing takes the time it take and isn’t necessarioly a neat, linear process…I am grateful for the lessons I have learned and coninue to learn from having had the experience.”

You know, Mark, the truth is, it takes real courage to confront having been wrong, having been wrong mostly because of willful self delusion. And if one has been willfully ignoring reality and self deluding for years – wow, that is killer of a thing to confront. But you managed it, didn’t you?
You turned from the lies and faced the truth. You were INVESTED. That takes a lot. that takes a great deal of courage. Most people don’t have it. Never mind anything else; you should be so proud that you have this kind of courage, and ability to confront.

I didn’t have it. I didn’t have any courage at all. Not while I was in, and not when I left.

I wasn’t in Scientology for 25 years, knowing the truth, denying it to myself, and then having to admit I was wrong.

No, I was simply dumb. I’m not being funny. I couldn’t have been more stupid and cluesless, I couldn’t have been more of a fool.

A petted little public particle, approved of and admired and indefatigably love-bombed by the staff of my tiny little org. A brite star in a very tiny firmament..”You are so smart!…a top notch student…That was so well done!…Love that color on you, it bring out your eyes…your hair is beautiful…you’re a stunning woman AND a true Social Personality…what you’re doing here, the way you are helping, is making such a difference…”

I loved the compliments. Wait – loved them? I BASKED in them.

Initially doubtful, (“Why are they saying these wonderful things to me all the time? Can they actually be true? Do they really think I’m marvelous, do they really like me and care about me?) after a while I began to believe everything they said about me, about ANYTHING. Concurrent with becoming quite impressed with myself, i began to totally trust them, never question them. They would never lie to me! It was unthinkable that they would lie. They were Scientology staff!

I was putty in their hands. Their “affinity”, continually flowed, melted all my carefully built up from life defenses. their compliments, always communicated in such a way as to convey not obvious flattery but authentic admiration fed my continued addiction to their approval, and then, how they would let me know how much I was “helping” because boy oh boy did they know what a button that was for me, with all the people I had to failed to help, with tragic consequences …I was a love bomb addict, I loved my littel bubble, they owned me, and after a while they could get pretty much anything they wanted out of me except signing a staff contract, which by some miracle I managed not to do, God only knows how.

And then one day I observed something and couldn’t ignore it. I was curious. Not suspicious at all. I didn’t have the brains to be suspicious. No, just a bit curious about a little thing that didn’t quite make sense, not important, not much attention on it really, that little thing, and the rather idle curiousity stemming from a curious nature, eventually opened the door to other doors which led to other doors etc. etc. and eventually THE door OUT. Because each time I opened another door I learned more truth. In the beginning I was shocked. THESE people? Lying to me? Flouting POLICY? i’m telling you – NO ONE was more of a gullible, blind, clueless, trusting dummy than I was. I’m going to have to insist on the trophy for that. Sure, I learned the truth. Sure I walked out. OK, hip hip hooray and I had a good laugh at myself for being such a love bomb addict. That I confronted, And I was even able to laugh at myself for being such a dummy. I still do.

But courage – real courage, like you, and like the others here? No. None at all. I risked nothing, I lost nothing. Candidly telling them what I thought of their Ideal Morgue Program (“squirrel, off polic, unworkable) was not courage. I was actually shocked that they were flouting policy. I risked nothing in leaving. No loss of loved ones. No loss of business. I left quietly. To this day I have not spoken out. I showed no bravery when I left. I covered myself very well, and made no trouble for them.

I should come out, and be who I am, and tell my true story, as others have. My story might help other UTRs lurking here. But I’m afraid to come out and be who I am and tell my story. They might come after me. Set up a whoissoandso website, ruin my business. So I don’t do it. You see? I’m a coward. Reading, sharing and smart mouthing on this blog is a lot of things – fun, enlightening, helpful, but I’m not brave. I’m not impressed with myself. One day, I might overcome the emotion that holds me back, and then I’ll consider myself your equal and the equal of others who post on this blog — or if not equal, at least in the same league, under the same tent, etc.

But in the meantime, I’m a coward, and that’s just a fact, and you should not disagree with that, because it is simply the truth.

And finally my very long winded point is, be very very proud of yourself for what you confronted and handled and endured by leaving. You and others here and Mike of course are the “bigger beings” . some day I may be also; then again, maybe not 🙂

Yup, utterly evil and intentionally so, per his affirmations.

Well said. It’s true, the possibility of literally losing everything, including “one’s eternity/spiritual freedom”, usually makes them double down on “being better scientologists”…I certainly did that for many years, thinking that if I just…stopped ” being a dilletante and really applied the tech”, my chronic problems and deep sadness would be “cured”. My closest, long-term friends were, ironically, NOT scientologists and I had no family members deeply entrenched in the cult, so when I got fed up with the sociopathic criminality I witnessed and, by default, participated in as a staff member, I was DONE. The two OT ‘friends’ I had in the cult disconnected as soon as I “blew”. The few other “team members”(fellow staff) who had been somewhat friendly or kind vanished as well. I wasn’t surprised. I didn’t feel the emotional loss of that fully until a few years later…and it was mitigated by my clearer understanding of cult dynamics in general and scientology’s particularly toxic effects specifically. There are only a few people that I still feel a slight, lingering resentment against, based on things they did and said, but at this point , it’s on me to let that shit go-13 years after leaving the cult! The emotional healing takes the time it takes and isn’t necessarily a neat, linear process… I am grateful for the lessons I have learned and continue to learn from having had the experience. It’s soooo much easier for me to feel compassion now for the folks, especially the staff members and moderate-income public members, who believe they are part of a group that is saving the world(nay, the universe!), all of my snarky, scatological comments made here notwithstanding.
The one who DOESN’T get that kind of consideration, though, is the lift-wearing, pompadoured, sociopathic pimp-in-charge: Captain Slappy Slaver McSavage. Fuck him.

They’re so dug in, I guess, you know, Mark? So dug in; the whole of their adult lives with Scientology and being a Scientologist as the foundation upon which their lives have all been built, as well as the framework which holds the structure together. Take it away and they’re nothing and nowhere (they think) – goal-less, purposeless and, last but not least wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong on so many decisions they made predicated upon being devout Scientologists. Not easy to confront. I’m not speaking from my own personal 25 year experience in the cult.
For me, because I had no loved ones in the cult (Thank you Lord) and because my business was in no way dependent upon Scientology (mega dittos) or the patronage of its members – for me it was light years easier than probably 95% of the exes reading and posting on this blog and other blogs. I lost some “friends” and you know why I have that word in quotes. But if I had had loved ones in – children, a spouse, boyfriend, parents OMG, leaving and having them disconnect from me…I can’t say that I would have the courage. I really can’t. I would hope that I would, but honestly? I couldn’t swear to you for sure. And the exes here and elsewhate who DID have the courage and integrity to leave and face down the fear of being disconnected from them, and suffer as they do the actual consequences – I couldn’t begin to describe how much I admire them. Admiration thru the roof. I’m in awe of them, actually.