I had a summer job in high school at a roadside hot dog and hamburger stand – “Tony’s Foot Long Hot Dogs”. Foot long hot dogs were a bit of a novelty back then. I went home smelling greasy but I got a paycheck every week.

I’m not sure of the usage of “She shook her head.” Maybe it always indicates “no” or in some cases it indicates uncertainty?

I have not either, and I am always on the lookout when I pass by!

“Fuck mankind. I was just trying to save myself. And a girl.”

I want this on the dust jacket
+100

Cat W: Thanks for your feedback.

Editing note to myself – In most cases “actually” is a non word added to prove a point. I’m working to eliminate it but it’s a habit.

I don’t know what the word count is so far but it seems it will be a novelette. Story synopsis so far:

Joan drops dead in the sauna and Rick mops up her shit with a towel. A Scientology team arrives and carts off the corpse.

Rick is taken to a Scientology headquarters and is talked into going into hiding, presumably for a few days.

Rick arrives at a Scientology compound and is assigned a female handler and determines to see if he can cop a feel off her.

He thought he could remain in touch with his best friend and Dad but realizes he’s actually imprisoned and decides to make a run for it over the fence. After a little bit of convincing his handler decides she doesn’t have a life where she is and decides to go with him.

The chase scene follows and the altercation in the donut shop occurs. The cops show up and here we are!

Leanne – Not to make little of your considerations but It’s a pulp fiction cult novel and not going to get analyzed too deeply in my opinion. Print it and sell it or give it away on the internet. It’s a good story line and Terra will probably get some fans – he already has a few.

As for feedback on things I think could use some work, I have one quibble and one more serious qualm.

Technicality: text messages are stored on the phone, not the SIM card. They would still be accessible on most phones, even without the SIM card. It would make more sense to me if he had added a password to access the phone at all and then refused to give them the password. Or maybe they persuaded him to give him the password when he first showed up or first took classes, but he took the opportunity to change it and wouldn’t give them the new one. If they show him some document where he agreed to give them access to his phone, he could point out that he never agreed to be imprisoned against his will. (I also agree with gorillavee that Roxy would be very unlikely to know anything about what does and doesn’t go on resumes.)

Larger issue: I have a problem with the characters. I can mostly believe Rick, though I don’t like him much (I’ll get back to why). The one thing I don’t find convincing about him is that he could agree to do the Purif with Joan in the first place, and go along with all the saving the planet bull that got him to Int Base, yet go straight to thinking things like Roxy has Koolaid in her veins. I believe that he would quickly want to escape once he discovered he was actually imprisoned, yet I don’t believe he went straight to adopting all the lingo of our “entheta” world of critics and exes. He hasn’t had any time on the internet since this started. If he’d spent time on the internet before they carted him off to Int Base, he probably wouldn’t have gone. They persuaded him because he was still susceptible enough to the “Koolaid” himself. Even as a never-in, I’m a little reluctant to write people off that way; it’s not plausible to me that he so quickly went from being even a half-assed believer to having that kind of easy contempt for the belief.

The more serious character issue is Roxy. To say I don’t find her believable is an understatement. What do I know about her? She’s female, young, and a Scientologist all her life. And apparently has the hots for Rick. Yet having the hots for anyone is not enough for most women to give up their entire family or everything they’ve believed their whole life. She also has shown irritation at Rick’s singlemindedness about seducing her (as would most women from a guy they don’t know), and she can’t possibly have failed to notice either the disrespect for her boundaries he has often shown or his lack of interest in her as a person (as opposed to a hole he wants to penetrate). So from my point of view there are at least as many things that would turn her off of going with Rick. Even with young women, lust only goes so far. I can believe it’s enough to motivate him, because he started out aimless and seems to obsess about sex a lot. But her process isn’t there. Not only the process, but her starting point, her decision to go over the fence, and the person taking the steps in between those points. (I do think her decision to fight was believable, btw. She was surrendering, but the unexpected violence flipped a switch in her.)

The fact that Rick seems only interested in Roxy for sex not only makes Roxy less believable, but also makes him much less likable. He comes across to me as a user, a taker. Roxy may be better off taking this opportunity to get out, even with him, but I find myself wanting to warn her not to trust him either.

I’m not a good adviser for what is publishable or popular, mind you. This is just about what I like — believable characters. So if it were my novel, I’d go back at some point to flesh out who they are and what motivates them. I’d give up the idea that Roxy could go that fast from total believer to going over the fence with a guy she has a physical attraction to. I’d instead make it more apparent that she was having some doubts before he showed up, and I’d give her more reason to like him or even fall for him. (Does he remind her of family members she feels abandoned by? Does she have stories in her head about being rescued by a Prince Not-So-Charming? Has she always been drawn to bad boys? Does she want to find out what happened to someone she used to know who “blew” some time ago? Whatever — something.) At this point, I scratch my head wondering what she could be thinking.

Again, you’ve kept me reading, and I think it’s a good story. I love Scientology escape stories, especially when the escape is successful. Feel free to ignore my 12 cents here if it’s not of interest.

I also find it unlikely that Roxy wouldn’t have been pulled off the case immediately after the attempted land-line call, and certainly after the cell phone incident. It definitely feels like Roxy would have needed a lot more time to trust Rick (and he didn’t do anything to build trust) and be ready to blow.

I’m still engrossed, however, so keep up the good work!