Mike Rinder's Blog

Something Can Be Done About It

Thursday Funnies

By 68 Comments

 

 

An ideal “Continent”

Really? 11 orgs to serve all of Asia, the Pacific and Australia/NZ…. That’s “ideal”?

And BTW — the reg, Rikke, is the former RTC Rep FLB banished to Australia because of what she knew about Lisa McPherson.

 

FUNraising?

Seriously? That’s what the regges think — “Ooh, isn’t this fun?”  The people that actually have to give the money may have a different view.

 

A special guest speaker…

Why are they afraid to name them? Perhaps they think they might get more suckers if they DON’T announce who it is.

 

Not curious

Based on the underwhelming response, this is a complete waste of time. But we have missed Pat Parody, he used to be a regular feature…

 

Class VI?

He really IS a magician. The ONLY Class 6 on the planet? Everyone else had their previous certs canceled with GAT. And there is no GAT Briefing Course – or any Briefing Course.

As for increasing your speed up the Bridge, it’s a simple equation: pay more and you go faster…

 

Some more WTF WOTF

They didn’t limit this idiocy just to PAC….

 

Black Belt Acting?

Check out this guy’s IMDB page — he has 8 TOTAL acting credits, all except one before 2002.

I guess he has the LRH Tech, so that qualifies him…

 

Back to the 80’s

The last time scientology was actually expanding its reach. Crank up the nostalgia for the “good old days.”

 

Huh?

Why do they need teachers? Normal school isn’t good enough? They are going to keep kids in the org to protect them from the “wog world”? This is just weird.

 

Yikes

This is just scary weird.

 

Absorb the world’s confusion

About why people still buy the bs perhaps?

 

The phony mystique…

They could explain that the weather is controlled by OT’s.

And it’s not just Class XII’s. Hubbard also said every Sea Org member would be lionized and lauded everywhere they went…

Unless they ventured outside the bubble — then not so much.

 

Hear all about it…

The “Colombian miracle” all over again. Crime rates plummeted. Peace throughout the land. The end of drugs. All from handing out the Way to Happiness. But what happened to Venezuela? They handed them out there too?

 

Get ready…

For your own route?

“Detailed” info about each step after Clear? Bet they are not explaining Xenu and the BT’s.

And once again, I can save you the trouble — how to make it to OT? Cash or credit?

 

Moroccan President?

Reminiscent of those Nigerian Princes. You can bet he lords over a mighty empire of one.

 

OMG

The LAST thing this would appear to be is the greatest show on earth…

That guy is more suited to a Joker poster for a Batman movie.

But it is going to be very theta. And very uplifting. With tremendous news (from Indonesia perhaps?)

 

A panel?

People have grown weary of “seminars” so now they’re trying a new name? Now it’s a “panel” (of one?)

 

Err, you know what this says?

You have NOT become SH Size in 20 years. You are quoting Hubbard saying the ONLY reason you have failed is that you have not had the purpose to do so…

 

Intro Lecture

Not in the Mission — in someone’s house?

Some mission.

 

“As seen on TV”

Just like Popeil’s Pocket Fisherman except MUCH less popular.

Cult Shopping Network is failing miserably.

 

Are you with me?

No… you’re dead. Anyone reading this is not.

And if you had some idea about coming back, you are VERY overdue.

If you are off dealing with “target 2”, you know back at “target 1” Scientology is swirling the drain and you’re nowhere to be found…

You’re busy trying to steal 2nd base and didn’t put your foot on first.

 

 

Comments

  1. They can’t be serious about opening an Ideal Org. here in Adelaide! That is just a nonsense.

    There are about 20 Scientologists in the whole state… if that.

    The Scientology office here is running out of an old garage. I’m going to go down and take some photos to show you.

    A Scientology IO in Adelaide? What a stupid, stupid proposition.

    I know they’ll never do it… but to pretend it’s an option…?

    Sometimes you just have to shake your head and laugh.

    Reply

  3. Hi David, Hi Karin, Hi “LOU”.

    WHERE IS SHELLEY?!?

    And much like Michael Corleone in “The Godfather” said to his brother-in-law…
    David, you have to answer for someone’s death… do you remember Lisa McPherson?

    That botch of yours is not going away. Everyone remembers.

    Reply

  4. Rikke busted me for “out-tech” while I was in auditor training at Flag. But not to be outdone, my public humiliation by Jenny Linson takes first prize in Sea Org “ethics handlings.” Unlike both of them, I am no longer beholden to the mood swings of a self-appointed tyrant with small dick syndrome.

    Reply

    • Oh you too? Lovely Jenny kicked me out of AOLA on her way to brief the CO (Stephanie Carrie or Cal Cole – I forget) of her Masterbation Mission.
      Well lucky us 🙂

      Reply

    • I’m so sorry, MJM and Cece. There’s nothing worse than public humiliation in the name of correction or when being let go. . And its usually only done to the decent, the well meaning and kind. Deliberate inflicting embarrassment and shame because the victims are too decent to retaliate. Beyond barbaric.. OMG, I really, REALLY hate these Sea Org people! Orrather the soul-less, pitiless humanoids they get turned into by this organization.

      Reply

  5. I prefer Jack Nicholson when he said ” You can’t handle the truth”. If all of us could have handled the truth we would not be where we are now. I must be giving DM a lot more credit than he deserves, because when I go to post a comment, it disappears, which is probably only because I am drunk. Well, LRH in a PL says that a staff member; seeing all the bullshit going on in an org; says the Org is full of SPs, straps outside, lights a cigarette and sneers. LRH said ” So do I”. I just went out for a cigarette and came back into the bar for another drink. I do not know if I sneered though; It is too serious for that.

    Reply

    • Dead Men,

      I must object!

      PLEASE give yourself not only a break but a huge pat on the back, as I’m sure all those here familiar with your story are undoubtedly shaking their heads and wondering what the hell you’re talking about!

      Not only did you handle the truth but you handled it very well!

      Against all odds! You were very ill for a while – near death, given up for dead! Please! Despite being weighed down with physical pain and weakness plus mental and emotional despair, you saw the truth, confronted it, decided and persisted and got yourself OUT and here you are, today with us.

      That’s a VERY big deal, Dead Men!

      Reply

  6. To all those still-ins:

    Grab your coat and get your hat, leave that Hubbard brand of nonsense
    Just direct your feet to the sunny side of the street
    Can’t you hear that pitter pat and that happy tune is your step
    Life can be so sweet on the sunny side of the street
    You used to walk in the shade with those blues on parade
    But don’t be afraid, cross over, it’s over
    When you throw away those chains, you’ll be rich as Rockefeller
    Gold dust at your feet on the sunny side of the street

    Reply

  7. Dedicated to COB:

    You came a long way in the Sea Org
    You climbed the ladder of success . . .
    I’ve seen the flashy bikes and cars
    That were parked out in front of
    Your fancy address!

    You came a long way in the Sea Org
    You broke a lot of hearts between . . .
    I’ve met a gang of gloomy guys
    Who were doin’ all right
    ‘Till you came on the scene!

    You traveled from the east to west
    And certainly impressed
    The population here-abouts . . .
    Well Davy, I got news for you,
    I see all that you do
    So, naturally, I got my doubts!

    You got ’em droppin’ by the way-side,
    A feelin’ I ain’t gonna know . . .
    You came a long way in the Sea Org
    But baby, you still got a long way to go!

    Reply

  8. Once again, Scientology’s “postulating” overtakes them, and their math fails them. 5 of 9 orgs made “ideal” in ANZO is actually 56% – but in the US they were recently claiming 28 done (57%), with 2 under construction and 14 more to go, out of a total of 44, and if they get the other 2 done before Perth, they’ll still be ahead at 68% to 67%.

    And I’m sure Scientology is “ready” for someone to figure out how to “gain the confidence to disseminate to anyone” – if anyone ever does, they need to tell SuMP ASAP, because ScnTV was supposed to accomplish that but is failing abjectly….

    The level of delusion represented is indeed amazing – Cincinatti org thinks they need to be hiring teachers for when they go “St. Hill size” and would have so many students on course that they’d need to offer daycare – when right now, they probably can’t even regularly pay the staff they have?

    As for the Sunland-Tujunga mission, apparently its former storefront location closed long ago, and it’s been taken off Scientology’s lists, but like many others is now nominally run out of someone’s residence. Interestingly, one of the names that shows up in connection with that address, besides the Stewarts, who seem to be involved in “safepointing” activities, is Brian J. Anderson, presumably the former Scientology spokesman of Lisa McPherson case infamy.

    p.s. On that US “ideal” org PR piece from a couple of weeks ago Scientology St. Louis shows up in a renovation of their existing building – having abandoned the large historic property that though bought (and sunk money into starting to renovate), but not their whole “ideal” org campaign. However, that building that they are in now is only 18,252 sq. ft., so apparently “idea” requirements for minimum 40,000 sq. ft. buildings are being quietly abandoned – after Boston was put through a debacle it is still trying to extricate itself from, of having to give up on the historic building they first bought to renovate in part because it was deemed not large enough, and buy one of the aging office park type properties instead.

    Reply

  9. The house serving for a mission OK, but it would have been better if they had put a time and a date for it. Pay $50.00 and then RSVP a seat on a day you are hopefully available.

    Reply

  10. They should open an Idle Morgue in Honduras. With all the unrest there, LRH tech is desperately needed.

    Reply

  11. Back in 93/94-ish when I was on staff someone asked me if I could go pickup some missionaries, or a mission, whatever you call SO members on a mission, at the BUS STOP. I thought it was a little strange for them to be at a bus stop. I had a lot of respect for Sea Org at that time, and it was Phoenix in the summer- probably 110-120 degrees. At that time the bus stops in Phx were not that good- just an uncomfortable metal bench on the sidewalk. I pull up and they were standing there, sweating in their full SO uniforms, I’m pretty sure they were polyester at that time. They said people kept asking if they were in the military. I asked them why they wore their full uniforms and they said they were “proud”. They took the bus from the airport which was about the same distance from the org as the bus stop.

    Reply

  12. I can’t get over the one where people are invited to pay $50 to attend a lecture in someone’s home. Especially since they leave out the part that you will be shaken down for every penny in your possession before you are allowed to leave.

    Reply

  13. Venezuela loved the Way to Happiness pamphlets! Their only request is that future pamphlets should be made of more…absorbent paper.

    Reply

  14. If Mike Rinder were to write a song, it might go something like this:

    If you knew Davy, like I know Davy
    Oh! Oh! Oh! What a guy
    There’s none so seedy
    Or quite so greedy
    Oh! Oh! Holy Moses, what an SP
    I went flying, I didn’t balk
    Back from England
    I’m the one that had to walk
    If you knew Davy, like I know Davy
    Oh! Oh! What a guy!

    Reply

      • Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-dave
        My, oh, my, stats are crashing today
        Plenty of bad news headin’ your way
        Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-dave!
        Mister Conscience on your shoulder
        It’s the truth, it’s “actch’ll”
        Everything is “satisfactch’ll”
        Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-dave,
        Can’t hide the shitstorm coming your way!
        Yes, sir

        Reply

        • OMG, you’re killing me. I particularly like, “My, oh, my stats are crashing today”. Very funny because I have this picture of Jiminny Cricket singing to him 🙂

          Reply

    • I can’t resist an extra verse or two – thanks for the inspiration, MJM!

      If you knew Davy
      Like I know Davy
      Run! Run! As fast as you can!
      If you knew Davy
      Like I know Davy
      You’d be SP, just like I am!

      Reply

  15. I love that making fun of Scientology is so mainstream.

    Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: episode 2.4 “Kimmy Kidnaps Gretchen!”

    Brooklyn Nine-Nine: episode 5.16 “Nutriboom”

    Reply

  17. “Constitutional Destruction” aka “How to hide behind the protections of religious freedom to circumvent the laws of this country…”

    Like any of them have a clue about the US Constitution (implied by the background of the founding fathers). I’m inclined to believe it is a typical Clam “bait and switch” money grab…

    Reply

    • Why should they have any clue about the US Constitution? Certainly most politicians would fail a simple test on it. For that matter, so would most US born citizens of the US!

      Reply

  18. Mike,

    Your comment in the ” Class VI ? ” section, ” As for increasing your speed up the Bridge, it’s a simple equation: pay more and you go faster… “, made me think of my Youth.

    I used to be into fast cars, back in the late 1970’s – 1980’s, Drag Racing and Street Racing in Ft Lauderdale, FL. There was a place called “Bob’s Speed Shop” where I got all my parts from . . .

    Over the cash register, there was a sign, reading “Speed Costs Money … How Fast Do You Want To Go ? “.

    Dave F.

    Reply

    • “Interest over time.” “Interest by region.” Any way you add it up, nobody has much interest in Scientology. Poor little clams.

      Reply

  21. These are great. I guess Ideal Columbus didn’t get the memo about face morphing technology. It’s all over the news right now, but as usual, Scientologists are disconnected from the mainstream and behind the times on real technology. And Venezuela! Spot on!

    To add to this lighthearted Thursday, I found this great piece about Scientologists running Neopets. One person in the article says their administration tech from WISE is a threat to democracy!
    https://theoutline.com/post/4190/neopets-was-run-by-scientologists

    Reply

  22. And Class XIIs? Hum, when Miscabage was in need to rush the opening of the new building, the need to fill 50 rooms for Class XIIs became a must.

    By then, the Briefing Course was gone or shortened; Power materials had been “reviewed” and the Class X, XI and XII materials were to be the Golden Age of Tech ones (or at least rumors said about 2005)

    Yet, I will never forget the honor to deal with the real veterans Class XIIs. Boy, these guys did train: Briefing Course, Powers, Class VIII and so on. They were good and indeed worked very hard to keep up that level.

    Unfortunately these good people are all gone, and now we’re left with the ‘funny’, fast trained, young kids to fill a room and a poster.

    Reply

    • Exactly, Silvia. How can they have a poster with a girl promoting how great it is to be a Class XII and come join the SO to become Class XII? There is no Briefing Course anymore. So how will they train these new recruits to become Class XII?’s Is Flag now training Class XII’s? Anyone know?

      Reply

  23. “Panel” implies interaction and discussion.

    At least in my circle words like seminar, presentation, and lecture, carry a negative connotation. Generally those words are met with groans of “there goes a morning I won’t get back” or “better down a coffee and carry one in” or “snooze fest.”

    Information presented that could be read faster is a waste of time. I want to know the things I CAN’T Google. Q&A sessions are much more beneficial.

    Reply

      • Pay to receive the recorded or printed version of the ‘panel’?

        The $urch could view it like the paid indulgences from Catholicism

        If they would just be honest with themselves that it is ALL about the cashflow, quality of life would be better for them all.

        Reply

  25. L. Ron Hubbard had a farm
    E-I-E-I-OWE
    And on his farm he had some sheep
    E-I-E-I-OWE
    With a bleat bleat here
    And a bleat bleat there
    Here a bleat, there a bleat
    Everywhere a bleat bleat
    L. Ron Hubbard had a farm
    E-I-E-I-OWE

    Reply

    • L. Ron Hubbard had a farm
      E-I-E-OWE
      And on his farm he some staff
      With a blown staff here and a blown staff there
      Here a blown, there a blown everywhere a blown, blown
      L. Ron Hubbard had a farm but all his staff was gone.

      Reply

  26. Subterfuge is the common thread in Scientology and you see it here in their ads to get your money. Subterfuge is defined as “deceit used in order to achieve one’s goal. Synonyms: trickery, intrigue, deviousness, deceit, deception, dishonesty, cheating, duplicity, guile, cunning, craftiness, chicanery, pretense, fraud, fraudulence”

    Without subterfuge, Scientology as a subject is nothing. The trickery runs so deep, it’s nearly impossible to subtract the evil from the good in Scientology. LRH told us you need to lie A LOT to control people. I think he was telling the truth when he said that, but gullible me didn’t think he was going to be lying to ME. I was 35 years “in” and all I can say about this is… Duh…. and I didn’t even get a T-shirt after OT V in 2005.

    Reply

    • Yes Robert, one enormous bait & switch operation.
      The common denominator of all Scientology services is the fact it leaves a type of lingering misery where once there was hope. Time is no friend to Scientology, all its adherents eventually suffer from it.

      Reply

  27. OK, here’s my favorite from today’s funnies, the dianetics poster. Mike poses the question about people buying this bs. Of course people are still buying this bs just as they have been for the last 68 years, just not as many. All of those buying it have become foolproof and have achieved unbelievable states of existence hitherto unknown in this sector of the galaxy. Too bad it doesn’t work for the rest of us despite Hubbard’s extensive research into the mind that somehow doesn’t exist. Maybe I’m wrong on this and scientology tv will broadcast a series that reveals this mysteriously disappeared research. It would be a hoot to see a replay of the Sonia Bianca incident. You know, the one that seemed to traumatize the old grifter so badly that he never gave a public talk again except to his ‘own public’ so he couldn’t be ridiculed.

    Reply

  28. There is just so much LOL in these ads every single Thursday. In the 2nd flyer, I wonder what they consider “Elegant Refreshments” to be. Perhaps a glass of tap water with a lemon wedge on the glass rim? Any ideas?

    Reply

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