David Miscavige made an appearance in the UK over the weekend to help usher in the monumental new era of expansion that is about to begin with the “ideal” CLO UK. You can bet those managers who have raised the UK to such heights will be managing ever so much better from new desks with some fresh carpet. Nothing like some fresh carpet to make someone into a more competent manager.
Apparently obsessed with ribbon yanking, the Chairman of the Pompadour (the hair is a straight up and vertical VO5 masterpiece) flitted over to the UK to bask in the glory of all he has accomplished with his “ideal org” (not really “org” any more, it is truly ideal buildings, and literally ANYTHING will do, even Disneyworld storefront sets) program.
Below is a section of the breathless Shermanspeak that was quickly put up on the scientology.org site.
The historic momentum just keeps on building for the Church of Scientology, whose unprecedented growth and epic escalation continued its ambitious movement forward with the grand opening July 18 of the new Ideal Continental Liaison Office of the United Kingdom (CLO UK) on Saint Hill Road—touching off a joyous celebration amongst the more than 1,500 Scientologists and their guests in attendance.
Seriously — that is even over-the-top by Shermanspeak’s lofty standards — “historic momentum” and “unprecedented growth and epic escalation.” And of course, the property is not ON Saint Hill Road.
“If by chance you hadn’t yet noticed, we’re not slowing down,” said Mr. David Miscavige, Chairman of the Board Religious Technology Center. “In fact, we’re just getting started. For this is our time—and this is our place in global history. So, yes, with the cutting of this ribbon we now take yet another monumental step forward as we celebrate this Ideal Continental Liaison Office for this United Kingdom!”
His statement “In fact, we’re just getting started,” begs the question — “So, what the hell have you been doing for 12 years since you launched your ideal buildings campaign if you are just getting started now?”
Destiny came knocking when the ideal property to strengthen the Church presence was found literally across the road from Saint Hill—comprising five buildings on 43 acres. The Fonthill Lodge was erected in 1880 and stands as a cherished landmark, bordering the Ashdown Forest that typifies the beauty of the region.
Destiny came knocking… Really. A “cherished landmark” of what? There are hundreds of buildings like this in East Grinstead, let alone all of England. And this property no more borders the Ashdown Forest than Sainsbury’s does. This is Sherman “poetic license.”
These newest UK facilities stand tall as the stronghold for all activities in the UK continental zone and a stirring companion to Saint Hill, Scientology Founder L. Ron Hubbard’s home and the Church’s international headquarters in the 1960s.
A “stronghold” and a “stirring companion”? I wonder if he even SAW the place?
It’s a damned school… Here is the picture from Googlemaps:
Shimmering new Ideal facilities will open for Saint Hill itself in the coming months, including a new wing for the LRH-designed Saint Hill Castle to accommodate greatly increased delivery of religious services. That will be followed by the opening of new Ideal Scientology Orgs for Birmingham, Manchester, Plymouth, and Sunderland, with new Ideal Churches also planned for Brighton and Edinburgh.
Shimmering new ideal facilities…
And we WILL be opening new ideal buildings in all the cities in the UK. Just like he has been saying since 2003.
But one piece of truth did shine through in this sea of bs.
No matter how much photoshopping they do, they cannot avoid the fact that numbers showing up for COP’s ribbon yanking demonstrations are shriveling.
According to scn.org, there were “some 2,500” in Bogota, then 4,000 at Flag (where 10,000 scientologists call home) and now “more than 1,500” in the UK.
1,500? When COP himself came all the way to the UK? To Ron’s Home? Where there is an AO and two ideal orgs? They got a smaller turnout than Bogota?
Heads will roll.
But the consolation is that it’s a nice time of year for a stay at the Manor in MarySue’s old room (her presence has been pretty much eradicated from the Manor… that is now “COPB’s room”) and some trips to Bond Street for some shopping and off to John Lobb for a shoe fitting or two.
And then he will probably jump on Tom’s plane and pop over to be with his BFF and lend him moral support for the World Premiere of MI 5 in Vienna on Thursday.
Ah, the life of the Head Humanitarian of Planet Earth. So much humanitarianism to give, so little time to give it. What did anyone do before private jets became the norm for Big Beings?
Tabha says
TM organization purchased a large rundown hotel n the heart of downtown Houston in the real estate bust a few decades ago as part of the expansion of the glorious golden age of enlightenment being heralded by maharishi mahesh yogi. It was never renovated and very few TM classes were taught there. TM was well past its heydey. Similar purchases were made throughout the US and world. This made zero sense taken on surface value as TM had been declining in adherents for decades. But for a nonprofit with billions of dollars it was an excellent investment strategy.
Liz says
Hands down the best post ever! My sides still hurt?
Victoria Pandora says
“Head Humanitarian of Planet Earth”
LOL! I’m rolling here.
HAPE for short, or is it just hapless?
I guess Sherman could write penny a word porn when his empire by proxy fails, hahaha.
Shelley says
Straight up and vertical VO5masterpiece – ROTFL. Mike that’s brilliant 🙂
Sorry, but that building is just damn ugly. 1500 people is a disaster. Joburg org had over 1300 people at it’s opening in 2003 – exponentially by THEIR stats, that number would be over 5000 today. And all St Hill could muster was 1500 at what used to be the world headquarters of SCN?
I have a UTR friend who was at St Hill recently – told me the place is like a desolate haunted castle. Empty course-rooms, double-hatted staff holding numerous posts HFA etc. Queues to get into session due to lack of auditors. And VERY unfriendly.
As for the Shermanspeak gobbledygook – no words.
EISM says
Pig, meet lipstick. Yes, it is glossy expensive lipstick. But you’re still a pig.
Gus Cox says
…the Chairman of the Pompadour (the hair is a straight up and vertical VO5 masterpiece)…
ROFL – that’s funny enough, but thinking of Miscavige clutching His bottle and glass, knuckles turning white and face reddening with utter effing hatred for you as He reads that (and we all know He does!) – man, that really makes me howl with laughter!
Ann B Watson says
Hi Gus Cox, Good to meet you. Liked your post a lot. David must have some blood pressure going on, & your description of him had me howling too.Got to keep that pressure high David.Ann.
EllaR says
I made it this far before my bloviation detectors initiated the gag reflex:
The historic momentum just keeps on building for the Church of Scientology, whose unprecedented growth and epic escalation continued its ambitious…
Ann B Watson says
Hi John. This IPad is about to get lasered big time.Should read but John I had to follow my… Ann.
Ann B Watson says
Hi John Locke, I know I know I was stupid, but John zi had to follow my heart – dream even though it led to disaster.Ann.
John Locke says
Ann, we were all stupid. (those that joined the Cult). One generation just had a higher % of stupid in a certain area. Just as they had a higher % of excellent musicians…
Ann B Watson says
Hi John Locke,Your posts always make my morning coffee taste fabulous,I look forward to them at all times.Yes we did have the best musicians etc,but those Apollo Stars!I must have bought ten LPs & sent them to friends & family.Never heard back about that,wonder why? Laughter! Ann.
Lori S says
Scientology will not make inroads with millenials using its “bigger is better” philosophy. This current generation of young folks prefer simple over ostentatious. In the Greater Cincinnati area, millenials are choosing small apartments, small restaurants, and small bars. They do not even buy cars for the most part, instead using public transportation. They are not going to be impressed with a “Church’s” real estate purchases. They tend to donate their money and time to causes that actually do their local community some good. In other words, they are not going to invest their resources in building an “ideal org” that serves very few people. So if the law doesn’t shut it down first, Scientology will experience a death due to demographics.
John Locke says
Lori S. It died long ago. This is just what is called inertia. By ~’78 its heart was diseased and new public coming in was falling off fast. By ’88-’89 it had seen the highest # of people on Ad Courses. It was downhill since.
Fredric L. Rice says
“According to scn.org, there were “some 2,500″ in Bogota, then 4,000 at Flag (where 10,000 scientologists call home) and now “more than 1,500″ in the UK.”
ROFL! I have to laugh. 🙂 At most these violently insane crooks have some 30,000 surviving customers world wide, there is no way they could manage to get 8.3% of their remaining rubes to show up anywhere leave along sucker 13.33% of their rubes in to going to Clearwater to be defrauded. 🙂
How so very amusing.
Tony DePhillips says
Love that photo.
Roger Hornaday says
“If by chance you haven’t noticed…” delete: “we’re not slowing down”. insert: “we are grinding to a halt”
“In fact…” delete: “we’re just getting started”. insert: “we’re fucked”.
Pepper says
Can someone please tell me what a “stirring companion” is?
I thought of when I’m cooking in the kitchen and ask someone to give the pot a stir for me. Stirring companion!
Gerhard Waterkamp says
Before I try to explain that term I would need to get my mind out of the gutter first.
Ann B Watson says
Hi Gerhard Waterkamp, Good to meet you.Now you have me interested, even with your mind in the gutter,I would love an explaination of a ” stirring companion ” I thought it meant get another SO member to help me stir those huge vats of clay for the Clay Demos we all knew & loved!They were supposed to be properly sealed at night,but sometimes they were not & the clay was like cement,so I needed help stirring.Ann.
Old Surfer Dude says
Gerhard, I was going to take a shot at it, but, the ‘gutter’ pull me in. I’m still there. Will probably be for sometime. Not leaving. Actually having a great time! Hey, this is REALLY fun! Wow! You want to do what? Well….ok!
Dr. Strabismus of Utrecht says
Due to circumstances beyond their control, the East Grinstead Anti-Scientology Sheep-Flock were unable to disrupt David “Shortarse” Miscavige’s whistle-stop UK appearance on Saturday to open something or other near East Grinstead with the usual overblown pomp and Shermanspeak; the main circumstance being there was nobody available to shepherd them across Saint Hill Road’s busy traffic to Fonthill Lodge. However, at least one local source has come up with an UN-Photoshopped image of COB while he was speechifying…
https://www.flickr.com/photos/marksshoops/19864201202/in/dateposted-public/
Aquamarine says
Great job, Grandelectus! Love to hear about this kind of stuff.
grandeclectus says
Hello All,
I posted the Scientology Photoshopped pic of this event on Twitter and noted that it had been “done”. They always add crowds, over-saturate the color, the sky is bluer than anywhere in nature, etc.
This brought down upon me the white hot wrath of John Alex Wood’s new half-his-age-girlfriend/daughter, Miss Gemma Harris. She met him through his Python Scientology dating site, the one that Eric Idle himself stated was NOT condoned by Python.
She carried on, and I blocked her almost immediately. Some of my friends were into an long argument with her.
She maintains that THAT particular image is special, and NOT retouched. Whatever. I know their signature look, and I know what they do. I’m a 20+ year Photoshop veteran. I can do that too.
I got a tweet from Eric Idle, (!!!!!) reiterating that JAW’s dating site was NOT affiliated with Monty Python. That made my day.
Thought I’d share my entertaining Scientology encounters. They are reduced to little more than disagreeable Internet trolls. Very sad!
If anyone has some real photos of the event, I’d appreciate it. We didn’t seem to have any protesters there.
I must be doing something right. I’ve been Twitter-harassed by 3 different crazed Scientologists, this week and one of them threatened me on Facebook. They never used to pester me. I suspect things are going wacky at the orgs! Why this sudden backlash? I’ve been tweeting about Scientology’s abuses since February.
Cheers!
Gus Cox says
Very Well Done!
… and translated from Scientolegese into English: Jolly Good Show!
Ann B Watson says
Hi Grandeclectus, Great to meet you & so enjoyed your post!I don’t do Twitter but I loved your description of the photoshopped picture.I never got harassed since the mid- late 80s long after I had blown SO in 78. Then this wonderful blog & I met, and I told of my SO journey.Now The Rats as I call them have a fine time fooling with & blocking my WordPress account & finding new games to annoy me. Things must be going wacky at all the Orgs,& we are hitting nerves every day.Always Ann.
Lori says
COBshit could give the same stupid speech at every ribbon cutting and a doubt any of his sheep would notice (or at least pretend not too).
Lori says
“I”, not a! I always f- up my posts! Ahhhhhh
Ann B Watson says
Hi Lori, You and me both! I can type my post,proof read it, and when I post my words are spelled wrong & the meaning is off.Happens all the time! You are right about David’s speech & the sheep reaction Nothing changes application of that Tech! Ann.
Old Surfer Dude says
Keep calm and post on, Lori!
GTBO says
He doesn’t?????
zemooo says
So 3/4 of the total population of UK clams show up for the ‘grand opening’ of the Ideal filing cabinet and phone boiler room collection agency. I am astounded that any showed up. With the great Niblet in attendance the regging must have been 47x over the hedge, I mean verge, they call it a verge in the UK. I wonder how many SO had to cut down oak trees with herrings to build the newest, greatest thing that does nothing that can be discerned by anyone.
It will be much fun to see if DM actually does show up at the MI5 premiere. The National Inquirer and Hollywood Reporter will so enjoy that.
mwesten says
If they’re saying 1500 turned up, chances are that it was more likely 500. I truly believe that the large majority of present day UK publics are fringe dwellers, doing the odd course or lower Bridge action here and there whilst staying well away from phone calls, gatherings, fundraisers and ribbon cuttings. The rest will be SO, staff (bussed in from across the country and quite possibly France seeing as they’re desperate) and a small pool of zealous public who lap this shit up as if it was kool-aid. Oh wait.
I Yawnalot says
Besides money, miscavige is addicted to buildings! Obsessive compulsive disorder on mortar and bricks. He’s the roomiest man in the cult business. I hope he gets a good dose of the shingles.
Ryan Kelly says
It is school turned into an office building. Put some balloons out on the road. Cut the ribbon. Eat some appetizers and drink a little sparkling wine and call it a day. I don’t think it represents “historic momentum,” or is a “monumental step.” David needs to get out more.
I Yawnalot says
Your post made me realise who miscavige is actually talking to. It certainly isn’t anyone of intelligence. His clubbed seals love that type of stuff. I’m not so sure I appreciate the reality adjustment you just gave me Ryan but hey, you’re right, few nibblies, glass of bubbly or 3 and what the heck! I’ll toast the neighbour’s cat for that.
Aquamarine says
Laughter! Yes, he does.
Aquamarine says
I wonder if Miscavige considers himself a kind of ecclesiastical rock star. I wonder if he believes that people wait with baited breath for one of his appearances, thrilled to see him once more in person or on the screen. Can’t really say I blame him if he does, because for whatever reasons, the sheeple do bend themselves inside out applauding him.
statpush says
“Our epic efforts extend like an escalator into eternity, but the entirety of these estimated efforts of escalation envisioned ensure elevation not escalation.”
Mr. David Miscavige
High School Drop-out
Planetary Saviour
Lori says
Brilliant !!!! Lol
Liz says
That was great right? Very well done. Never thought of MRinder, as having much of a sense of humor?
Wayne Borean aka The Mad Hatter says
Gack. That stuff is horrible. How can anyone listen to it and remain sane?
How can anyone say it and remain sane? Maybe that’s why Miscavige seems so out of touch, spouting that line of crap has driven him around the bend.
Potpie says
Paul Newman’s final line in the movie Towering Inferno sums it up. As he and Steve McQueen sat in front of the burnt out sky scraper McQueen asks Newman if he is going to rebuild the building…..Newman says….No I think I will let it stand as a monument to all of the bullshit in the world. David Miscavige is not only a walking monument to all of the bullshit in the world, his shermanspeak about his beautiful buildings and what they will do for Scn certainly shows to the world all the bullshit his Scn has to offer.
SILVIA says
“strengthen the church’s presence”. Really? Presence has nothing to do with big, posh up and empty buildings.
Presence gets earned when you give a good service to people, nothing else.
But now it makes sense why Pompadour joined the ceremony; if Vienna is next with his buddy, now that is monumentally important.
OTD-OUTTHEDOOR says
Does Cobbles undergo sec-checks after so much ribbon-wanking, I mean yanking? Describe it in detail. Where were you? What thoughts were going through your mind? Were you watching video?
One Point Won says
OTD,
As a Senior Sec Checker, I am pleased to report that my decompression must be complete…
Upon reading your post, my TRs flew out, my sec checker beingness melted, and I cracked an uncontrollable grin at your hysterically worded confessional patter — bravo!
ML, 1.1
GTBO says
Maybe they can sell the whole place to the Jedi, there’s more of them than Scientologists in UK anyway.
Old Surfer Dude says
There’s more Jedi in ANY country that the cult is in! So, I say to you cult members, May the Farce be with you! Luke, our work is done here…
KA says
“May the Farce be with you!”
LOL. That could replace the “ML” if they get tired of it.
Old Surfer Dude says
I doubt they will, but, that’s a fine idea!
LDW says
“Shimmering new ideal facilities”
Definitions for “shimmering”
1: to shine with a soft tremulous or fitful light : glimmer (like when the ballast in the florescent lights are making the bulbs blink off and on).
2: to reflect a wavering sometimes distorted visual image.
Sounds like an accurate description of one of their facilities.
Old Surfer Dude says
I sometimes shimmer. But less now that I’m getting older…
NOLAGirl says
You sparkle OSD. 🙂
The Oracle says
Laughter!
Dan Koon says
You almost have to admire his abject cynicism to keep this up for 30 years. This is evidence of a stuck flow supreme.
Potpie says
Stuck flow supreme for sure. It is a one way drive in the country with Miscavige. You never really get to where you think you’re going and certainly have no idea on how to get back. No counter intention from the flock. Just hop into the convertible with a case of beer and Miscavige will take you to the promised land as he points out all the pretty buildings along the way.
Alice Graves says
I always get a kick out of his smile when the audience applauds these speeches. To me he looks truly happy, like a little kid getting the goodies he’s always whining for. He’s addicted to that applause – it’s the only thing that really makes him happy (except punching people out and watching them rot in The Hole.)
Like any addiction, the addict will do anything and everything to keep getting the goodies. He’ll keep this up for 30 more years if he’s allowed to.
cindy says
Loved your comments Alice. It’s true. DM craves admiration. That is what SP’s crave and it is why SP’s snap terminals with people in the spotlight: artists, famous people etc. They try to bask in their reflected glory because they have none of their own. DM is addicted to the admiration and applause. He lives for the thrill of applause and the thrill of beating up people. The best punishment for him would be solitary confinement. If he does eventually go to jail like other “church” leaders, he may get solitary confinement just to keep him safe from inmates like Bubba.
Shadow says
I remember walking past that school every day from town to the hill. I was at Saint Hill from 1979-1981 with the GO working in the Manor, cool building when looking at just the positiveness of the building.
On our Friday work assignments we spent some time helping to build the right side of the castle, also got to do grounds work (trim roses and plant new flowers). Actually kind of liked that part, being outside and all, best part about my stay. The rest kind of a bad dream that took awhile to wake up from.
Jose Chung says
Saint Hill was badly managed in the 70’s and has
not changed. Token amounts of money are spent to improve image
but that’s as far as the show goes.
Scientology has been attacked since day one , its a mainstay of profit for
David Miscavige’s bank account. Natural disasters can be panhandled
well but when your SPIRITUAL FREEDOM is on the ropes,that’s where the
big money is. The bad guys will come and go but will never go away because
Scientology demands them for tons of cash.
Newcomer says
Jose, Show me a $cn. Org that is not and was not badly managed and I’ll eat a pound of DS.
Jose Chung says
San Francisco Org boomed when the “L’s were released for
non S.O.staff and public. Public were audited on Dianetics
in stairwells. Graphs went up the wall, over the ceiling and down the opposite wall. This was 1972- 73 by 1982 SFO had lost
80 percent of it’s public, Missions were closed,
Financial Police raids beat up and attacked staff.
By 1989 from 1973 numbers SFO lost over 95 percent of everything across the board. This appears to me that Scientology experienced this everywhere on Earth , who took the blame were thrown into the
“HOLE” or escaped or died .
My opinion from been there done that.
Jose Chung
Area 51
Espiando says
San Francisco is, and always will be, the Capital of the Republic Of Fruits And Nuts. Anything weird or counter-culture, and San Francisco takes it to its heart. No extrapolations can or should be done between San Francisco and anywhere else in the known universe.
I believe that SFO was like this in the early 70s because of this societal factor. I also believe that no other org with the possible exception of LA was like that. Every time I’ve heard the “my org was booming in the early 70s” story, it was SFO or LA Org. Please note that Ronnie Raygun was governor of California at the time. Anything went out there.
Also note that personal anecdotes cannot be used as proof for a logical assertion.
John Locke says
Newcomer. It really doesn’t matter. Scn stopped expanding in the late 70’s as their primary demographic dried up. You coulda had a Jack Welch type in every org and Scn would still have fallen at that time. Those born ~’59 and later were, as a group, not stupid enough to buy El Con’s BS.
Ryan Kelly says
“San Francisco is, and always will be, the Capital of the Republic Of Fruits And Nuts. Anything weird or counter-culture, and San Francisco takes it to its heart.”
Hey, hold on now. You are talking about the home of the World Champion San Francisco Giants.
San Francisco had booming Missions around it in the 1970’s. Scientology was fun and exciting then. That all went away in 1982 when everyone was accused of being an SP and the financial police swooped in and bankrupted every organization. It wasn’t fun anymore and it’s been a struggle ever since. Thank you, David Miscavige.
Espiando says
The new CLO UK looks like a Victorian mental institution. How very, very appropriate.
Old Surfer Dude says
Espi, I keep telling you, I’m NOT really crazy! It’s just that…ummmmm…well I sometimes…ahhhhh. Ok, ok, I’m a loon! Happy now?
Gus Cox says
Perhaps, “The Miscavige Hospital for the Criminally Insane?”
Old Surfer Dude says
And he’d one the sole patient…
John Locke says
The rambling and over the top speech somehow reminds me of what would come out a person like the North Korean leader when opening a new out house and trying to distract his subjects from the fact that they have no internal plumbing…
McCarran says
Good one.
Old Surfer Dude says
Or like a carnival barker: Hurry, hurry, hurry!!! It’s the most spectacular, incredible, phenomenal, out-of-this-world show!
John Locke says
Love it OSD. “See the Midget with a pompadour! Step right up!”
McCarran says
Wow! This is such Cockamamie bs! It’s hard to believe David Miscavige actually said this; I know he doesn’t believe it and we out here all know how willing he is to lie.
BUT! You would have thunk by now that Dave would have gone into Phase Something-Else by now because one actually has to have NO powers of deductive reasoning (or an olfactory sense) to not be able to hear (or smell) David Miscavige’s statement here as utter bs.
Come on Dave it’s time to start informing your flock: “It’s time to pony up, buckle up, stand your ground against all opposition and CI and Give, Give, Give because scientology is being attacked like no other time in history. The SP’s are going to win if each one of us doesn’t start giving everything we have in money, time and energy to attack the SP’s! Scientology is in Danger! Do we all want to see what will happen to this planet without it! Attack Attack Attack by Giving Giving Giving!”
Mat Pesch says
I visited Saint Hill for a few days. It was like a ski lodge that was closed for the summer and had just left a few sleepy staff behind to do maintenance. To give them even more property and a huge old school to care for is a joke.
Old Surfer Dude says
Hey Matt! Did you get an inkling of the current mood? Fright? Loathing? Desperation?
McCarran says
You mean, like “The Shining?”
Old Surfer Dude says
Bingo, Mary! Hereeeeeeeeee’s Davy!
Gus Cox says
ROFL!
MM says
The reason why some people are so fond of using superlatives is they are so positive that the poor positive is not half positive enough for them.
thegman77 says
Prediction: The word “shimmering” will now and henceforth become another epic and monumental descriptive adjective in the dictionary of Shermanbabble. 🙂
David J Mudkips says
See, to me, ‘shimmering’ brings to mind a mirage
Which is a very apt way to describe the scene for those still in, I think
Wendy M says
Superlatives mask the stench of provable bullshit. Not.