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Mike Rinder's Blog

Something Can Be Done About It

CSN New Shows Premiering Soon

By 68 Comments

In the spirit of play, and trying to support the Cult Shopping Network with some ideas for programming that might actually get an audience, my old friend Jefferson Hawkins (author of the wonderful Counterfeit Dreams that I highly recommend you read if you have not done so already and mastermind of SkyHawk studios graphic design) put together some promotional pieces.

I thought you might enjoy them.

Hard to imagine anyone topping the Duggan’s, though I think her Royal Governess of the Vast and Entirely Empty Valley Ideal Org might give them a run for their money (so to speak…)

 

Obviously, the lead in this goes to Marc Headley. Pity Don Knotts is no longer available to play Barney Fife Danny DoneItAgain Dunagin.

 

Kevin Spacey could make his comeback — maybe the only TV production company in the world that would think he would improve their image. He has real Oscars, Golden Globes and Tony awards. Dave has a fake replica he awarded himself for “getting Ted Koppel an Emmy” for his Nightline appearance. So, in Dave’s eyes, Kevin is the man.

 

Casting for this one is going to be fun.  Ray Liotta to play Gene Ingram? Chaz Bono as Dave Lublow?

Actually, I’ll leave it to the professionals…

 

Returning to the heyday of scientology in the late 70’s. It’s been all downhill since then.

 

Survivor with a twist. You want to get voted off the island as fast as you can. Only the first contestant gets out the gates. The rest stay, fighting for food, a place to sleep and any sense of security forever. It is one, very long season.

 

Only aired after 1am due to graphic language, violence and generating nightmares that last a lifetime.

 

Future programming: the toughest part of this show is finding anyone willing to be a contestant. There are a few being groomed now, but it will be several years until they’re 18….

 

A 10 year series aiming to break records set by the Simpson’s of the longest running show on TV.

 

David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson unfortunately turned this down as being too weird.

Also David is a long-term friend of Jason Beghe so that didn’t help.

Perhaps they could get Tommy Davis to appear — he thought this stuff was just crazy and could bring a genuine sense of amazement to the episodes.

Comments

  2. Problem is that Dwarfenführer would micromanage e/g into the next millenium and nothing would get FINISHED.
    Another show:”the art of the CON” or a reboot of “The Apprentice”, with the oft-repeated tagline being”You’re DECLARED!” Who can grovel the most? Perhaps too similar an idea to “The Hole”, which is a better idea.

    Reply

  3. The “House of Cards” schoop is great. It has a slight emphasis on how gigando Dwarfenfürher’s head is compared to his diminuative body, which has been noticeable even in non-schoops whenever head and body are in frame together.

    “Biggest Sucker” would be pretty boring since there are so few “competitors”.

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  4. On “The Xenu Files: WHO gets to play “cancer Man”? A reincarated Ron?

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  5. Hey Mike and co., here is a few shows that I sincerely hope to pitch to the “network”:

    St Hill Street Cruise….Crimefeld…The Golden Girls (of Tech)…..Knowledge Reportlandia…..The Key to Life and Peele….Mystery Science Theater One Billion Year Contract……Doctor Who? We Don’t Use Doctors…..The Greater Good Times…….Whats Real For You With Bill Maher…….OneTrillionSomething…..The Walking Dead Agent……..PostuLate Night with L Ron O’Hubbard…..UnHappy Valley Days…..Alice in Wonder Years……Sex and the Aberrated City…..Beavis and ButtHead on a Pike……Fawlty Ivory Towers…….Grade Six Feet Under……Fargo Clear…..The Crockford Files……The Mary Tyler Moore Money for Scientology Show……Orange is the new Black Hats…….My So Called Life…….30 Rock Slam…….The Fresh Meat of Bel Air…..Twin Freaks…..Fair Game of Thrones…….Operation Freakout and Geeks…….The Twilight Freezone…….The StraightWire……..Will and Case Gain…..Isolated and Afraid……Cal Magyver…. – – – I really could go on and on…. call me DM!

    Reply

  7. Maybe a ‘70s remake? How about “8 of us in the chain locker is enough”. (Remember that one from the alt.religion.scientology comments section back in the day). ?

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  10. SEC CHECK SEX CHECK – an exciting new series where the auditor searches and finds salacious material in graphic detail to satisfy COB’s prurient fantasy life. Watch the person squirm as the ecclesiastical leader shares their personal secrets at staff muster.

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  11. “Field of Greens” with the byline “If you open it, they will take.” A bit vague but if you think about it…
    “Breakfast at Davey’s” A film about short mans love affair with an actor who’s a little bit taller than him.

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  16. Well…here we go again….stepping up to the plate for Season #3 of Aftermath are hard hitters Leah Remini & Mike Rinder, with Tony O & a host of others as outfields to catch any missed opportunities to catch COS with their pants down, or their hands in the pants pockets etc…
    However….it seems no matter how hard everyone tries…”the organization” is like:

    This is the cult that never ends
    Yes it goes on and on my friend
    Some people started believing it
    Not knowing what it was
    But people kept believing it just because

    This is the cult that never ends
    Yes it goes on and on my friend
    Some people started believing it
    Not knowing what it was
    But people kept believing it just because

    This is the cult that never ends
    Yes it goes on and on my friend
    Some people started believing it
    Not knowing what it was
    But people kept believing it just because……….

    Reply

  18. These were all (including the ideas in the comments) hysterically funny. Thanks for the laughs. If Scientologists only had a sense of humor about themselves, they could actually use a couple of these and have a hit show.

    ‘Dave has a fake replica he awarded himself for “getting Ted Koppel an Emmy” for his Nightline appearance.’

    WTF? You can’t be serious. For getting Ted Koppel an Emmy for exposing him as a conspiracy theorist who doesn’t bother to check his “facts” and his cult as a con — just by giving him enough rope. He can’t not get that. It’s just a joke, right?

    Reply

    • Not a joke. There are plenty of people who can confirm this. Marc and Claire Headley. Tom DeVocht. John Brousseau. Etcetc

      Reply

      • “Not a joke. There are plenty of people who can confirm this. Marc and Claire Headley. Tom DeVocht. John Brousseau.”

        I really need a bug-eyed WTF emoji. It’s hardly possible to satirize Scientology, because it always out-absurds you.

        Thanks for the info.

        …Maybe he should make himself another one for giving you and Leah an Emmy as well. 🙂

        Reply

  21. Some of these are instant classics.
    Another one could be Theta-busters. When a special div. of the Sea Org heads out with a glycol sprayer and a modified e-meter to trap meddlesome thetans.

    Reply

    • Suppression in San Jacinto. Watch how well intentioned folks get roped in by a diminutive maniac (DM) working impossible hours for peanuts while achieving nothing.

      Reply

  22. Or how about “Hemet’s Heroes”, where an eclectic cast of goofy, yet upstat Scientologists try and cater to the whims of a delusional psychopath, all while engaging in silly japes, boringly repetitive drills and constantly plotting their own “Great Escape” in this stalag-like compound set in sunny California…

    I can hear Pat Browker now: “I know nuttthhinng”! And COB would make a great Gestapo Maj. Hochstetter-like general purpose asshole to stir things up… I see an Emmy shortly.,

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    • Hemet’s Heroes – Whoooop!! That’s effing funny. I vote for International Justice Chief Mike Ellis to play Sgt. Schultz.

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  25. Would it be on-source to make a drama series based on LRH’s Revolt in the Stars script? That would allow Scientology to finally acknowledge the Xenu story in a roundabout way. If they pay for a good adaptation, they could make it seem spiritually plausible. Ron would have wanted it.

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  29. Great graphics from a fertile mind. Well done, some good chuckles there.
    At least Scientology has somewhere else to go now before “poof”, now you see me and now you don’t!

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  35. Hasn’t DM already been given the rose? Not that there is anything wrong with that. It actually seems logical…DM and Cruise together. They seem too screwed up to ever be with anyone else.

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  37. This is funny stuff. I especially like the Bachelor. Could also have a comedy, ala Gilligan’s Island. Instead of the Minnow, the good ship Apollo shipwrecks on a tropical island. The Skipper, is obviously LRH. The professor does the auditing, with two coconuts as the electrical source. And, of course, Gillian is played by Tom Cruise, who jumps up and down on a palm leaf couch whenever Mary Ann walks by. And, of course, Gilligan’s ex-wife, the movie star Ginger, adds spice to the island, all living in seperate huts. The Howells are the rich Hollywood sponsors of the “Cruise Ship” line, currently shipwrecked. Unfortunately, no one in the world actually wants to find them.

    Reply

  39. Oh how much I laughed…. Jeff and mark should contact the little dictator and offer their services for a hearty fee… even I would watch some of those reality programmes…
    Bravo

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  41. Jefferson has talent, a sense of humor and the wit to go with it. Thank you for keeping us laughing. Scientology has put its foot in the tar baby and there’s no going back.

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  42. Can we ask legislators to have a Black Box Warning?

    For all SuMP commercials

    Scientology Media Productions contain hypnotic commands, lies and propaganda that may be dangerous for all viewers….

    Side effects of Scientology include Bankruptcy, financial ruin, divorce, cancer and levels of confusion never obtained by Homo Saps before.

    VIEWER AVOIDANCE ADVISED

    Reply

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