Regraded Being April 7, 2023 By Mike Rinder 26 Comments Share this...FacebookPinterestTwitterLinkedin
This reverse engineered “Fac One Coffee Grinder Implanting Machine” ought be sold in the Clearwater still to be set up:
“XENU’S GAGS AND GIFTS SHOP”
Hubbard did say “help me build a better bridge”
So, everyone with smarts who sees the profitability in turning their fellow humans into Hubbard quackery Field Staff Members spreading Hubbard’s crackpot thinking into the universe, can instantly appreciate the Fac One Implanting Coffee. Grinder “Clearing” Machine (reverse engineered).
I think of Guy Eltringham, this is the type of story plot right up Guy’s alley. Guy was a science fiction writer and Sea Org member/executive.
This is the type of plot Guy would come up with.
Great comic, good thing the scary looking psychiatrist dudes seem to have been defeated or at least contained.
I believe Hubbard warned it would take at least 10-15 years before they would have their own spacefleet to liberate the Galaxy. And only if EVERYONE on deck worked their hardest and followed his instructions exactly. If anyone slacked for even a minute they would have to start over.
They could relax once they cleared the planet and everyone would get majorly promoted..
Fred G. Haseney says
This Fac One Coffee Grinder ReVerse Implanting Machine needs to be added to the gag toys sold in Clearwater at the still to be set up:
“XENU’S GALACTIC GIFTS AND GAGS SHOP”
also, for this SPRING:
XENU’S GALACTIC GIFTS AND GAGS SHOP will be offering the new OT 9 whole track running suit, suitable for wearing when you do the OT 9 running program around Arcturus.
Fred Haseney says
That is absolutely hilarious, Chuck. It is also a venture I would want to start with you if I won the lottery tomorrow.
That reminds me of a visit I made to a mall in Montreal, Canada in 1975. There, my traveling companions and I came across a gag shop. A fake nose, glasses and mustache mask caught my attention. It resembled the late comedic actor Groucho Marx. Everything on the mask looked the same–except for the nose, which was an erect penis.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Great spoof of the ‘tech’!
The latest in planetary clearing straight from the Marcab Confederacy!
Overrun in California says
Yes, in actual fact the 5th invader force has been on earth for quite a while now. They’ve secretly grouped together and have successfully infiltrated the business community over the years. That’s right… “Starbucks”. You ever wonder where the “Star” in “Starbucks” came from? That’s right, from a planet orbiting the North star! They’ve coffee brainwashed a good percentage of this planet so far.
Talk about grinding coffee! Their ultimate goal is to trap everybody again and box them up. Only this time they’ve improved the formula…that’s right…. glycol and caffeine!
Don’t you think a
XENU’S GALACTIC GAGS AND GIFTS SHOP
would do well in Clearwater?
And sell XENU paraphernalia, Xenu umbrellas, Tshirts with taboo Scientology words on them, etc?
The store would be truly SP business gags central.
Even if the shop is outside downtown Clearwater, it would draw ex’s to visit for sure.
“I VISITED FLAG AND BOUGHT THIS LOUSY XENU T-SHIRT”
“TEAM XENU ___ TO ____”
“XENU’S GAGS AND GIFTS FSM”
Very good RB!
Haha, you were paying close attention ‘once upon time’ (like the Astro Boy fairy-tale Scientology is) to get all those snippets of space opera.
Chris Shugart says
Hard to laugh when it gets too close to the truth. Not only did I buy into the space opera stuff, I enthusiastically embraced it.
This makes about as much sense and their other “teachings” which I call Hay, processed through the bowels of a male bovine.
Paul Ronk says
2. Knowing it is coffee.
Paul Ronk says
I’m in the drive thru at Dunkin.
1. Having the correct coffee.
Lili R says
Steeping correctly the correct coffee.
Grinding out of existence, squirrelly coffee.
1. Look at the coffee.
2. Walk over to the coffee.
3. Confront the coffee.
4. Be at cause over the coffee.
5. Drink the coffee.
6. Turn around.
Run process until end phenomenon is achieved.
End phenomenon of process: Heightened sense of alertness.
HCOB March 14, 1958.
DAVE, FREE THESE PEOPLE
Dave’s caught even worse than Dave’s people.
Free Linda Hamel!
Free Tom Cruise!
Only the OSA people, certain ones with the mental instability and hardest proofed brainwashing, are allowed to read this site and the critics statements here.
John Doe says
I have an even more advanced machine than the coffee grinder he’s holding! When used properly, it’s very effective in quickly bringing about a more amenable frame of mind in any PC.
I’m not sure how to pronounce its name, and assume it must be written in some kind of whole track language .
Anyway, it’s spelled K-U-R-I-G…
You have to try the Nespresso machines, get one used or on sale, and give the “original” capsules a try, they are superior to anything Keurig, try it.
Coffee shows up a lot in Sci-Fi. In my incomplete story Homecoming I have a line about coffee.
“We can’t even replace a burned out coffee pot on an aging missile frigate without some mob of Terran parasites screaming as if they were mortally wounded!”
Ammo Alamo says
“The Mote in God’s Eye” by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle is a classic 1974-era action-packed SF with a bunch of little fast-reproducing creatures who just love to improve the engineering of anything they come across. But they do it secretly, at night, and nobody knows they are on the ship until one day the coffee tastes 10x better – the little guys have done wonders to the coffee machine. The improved machine becomes a hit in that sector of the galaxy, and profits from it pay for all sorts of space adventures by the protagonists.
If only Hubbs had been an SF writer, imagine the wonders he could have invented – communication satellites, personal computers, wrist phones, smartphones, freeze dried foods, Hot Pockets… But he was just a hack, and whatever genre he wrote in came out the same tired old radio-western flapooza with a few names changed.
Arthur C. Clarke envisioned a Comsat in 1945. In his paper in Wireless World magazine Clarke envisioned a fully manned space station where the crew would constantly replace and rebuild vacuum tubes.
Zee Moo says
Coffee and alcohol and tobacco feature in many older sci-fi stories. Look at H Beam Pipers ‘Little Fuzzy’ stories for example.
I don’t remember seeing much about super drugs in the future. As no space ship crew I know ever talks about how stoned they are, I guess all the stoners wandered into an airlock and pressed the wrong buttons.
I cluged together a motivator for the Merchant service in the Traveller RPG.