It’s SaTerraDay once again…
Scientology Apps
Imagine a future world in which people’s cell phones were loaded with an array of laser-precise Scientology applications. Now picture these apps connecting automatically with a vast air-conditioned server farm located on the edge of the Mojave Desert—affectionately known in management circles as Sci-Cloud. We’re not talking science fiction. This technology has existed for years. Why hasn’t David Miscavige and his church jumped on this tech already?
Staying Clean in the Twenty-first Century
The second most useful app (we’ll get to the first later) would be the Clean Hands App that dealt with people’s overts and withholds. Instead of having to go through all the trouble of writing up misdeeds on paper or coughing them up in-session, people would simply enter their crimes on their cell phones the minute after they’d been committed.
Overts and withholds would automatically be uploaded to Department 3 in the individual’s local org (Department 3 is that branch in a Scientology organization that handles ethics). EOs and MAAs would instantly be appraised of crimes and be able to quickly take the appropriate measures. For instance, an EO could drag a pre-written ethics program from his desktop onto a church member’s avatar, and hit “send.” Boom! Handled!
What Condition My Condtion is In
Since all Ethics programs include the assignation of a Condition, parishioners would apply a special Scientology Condition App to help them work their way up from one state of beingness to the next. Just like with all other Scientology apps, this one would connect automatically with Ethics.
The Conditions App would be especially useful when petitioning fellow church members to let them back into the group. Instead of having to lug around a physical petition, those in Doubt would message everybody. Group members would simply click “yes” or “no” and their selection would be sent to Ethics for tabulation.
Tattling Made Easy
A Knowledge Report App would not only be useful, but efficient. The second parishioners observed “something that shouldn’t be,” they’d write the violation up on their cell phone where the report would be automatically uploaded to Ethics. Diligent church members would film lawbreakers in the act and attach the videos to their reports. Reporting crimes while they’re still fresh in one’s mind is vital in a modern society.
Such an app would encourage people to write more KRs. People wouldn’t question themselves with whether to report incidents or not. They wouldn’t wait days or months; they’d testify the moment after an outness was observed.
If church leader, David Miscavige, was shrewd, he’d find an old LRH policy letter stating that KRs must be written and posted to Ethics immediately. “Speed of particle flow equals power!”
Visa, MasterCard, or American Express?
Perhaps the most valuable app would be the Scientology Clear-the-Planet Donation App. The IAS could regularly message members for donations in varying amounts: $100; $500; $1,000; $5,000; or Other. Members would simply click on the amount of their choice and automatically, the money would be transferred from their bank accounts or debited from one of their preselected credit cards.
People could make advance donations for anything from minor courses to yet-to-be-released OT levels with the click of a few keys. They could donate toward the renovation of their “ideal org” or earmark their contribution for any other project deemed vitally important—such as new foolscap paper and folders for Central Files, janitorial supplies, or payment of the gas and electric bill.
If management was clever, they’d link this donation app directly to people’s Clean Hands App so those who’d strayed could make quick and easy amends.
Standing Ovation!
How about an After-Event-Survey App? Instead of having to fill out environmentally unfriendly paper surveys, attendees would pull out their cells and fill out ones that had been pre-downloaded to their cells.
RX
How about a Bad Indicator’s App (BI App for short) to help members determine the exact cause of sickness, melancholy, or down stats? Instead of having to see the Ethics Officer at their local org with a hundred and four degree fever, they could discover the source of suppression while lying in their own bed drinking tea. How great would that be?
All Hands!
An All Hands On Deck App would be handy so that Scientologists could be ordered into their orgs to work on projects that had to be taken care of quickly. Like updating Central Files, cleansing the “bookstore” of out-of-date books and course packs, and writing letters to the blown field.
The Advanced App
Advanced Orgs, Flag, and the Freewinds would naturally have access to everyone’s apps and uploads in this state-of-the-art system. An MAA at the Fort Harrison, for example, could read everything in one’s ethics folder just as easily as the E/O at a local org. And since everything would be digital and in the cloud, all “errors” in reports could be easily corrected.
Instead of having to wait six months to fly back to Clearwater for remedial handling, those on OT 7 could upload their daily sessions to Flag so CSs could read the worksheets and issue pink sheets with the exact corrective actions needed to get the auditor’s hours back up to snuff.
Click Here
People would use a Scientology Social Media App to upload all the wins they’d experienced in Scientology and in life. Spectacular wins voiced at the Examiner would be automatically uploaded via a state-of-the-art voice-recognition system. Testimonials would be viewed at church-approved sites where visitors could acknowledge these wins by clicking: Like!, Love!, Wow!, or Fantastic!
Last Words
#scientologywins!
Still not Declared,
Terra Cognita
Mike–not receiving your blog posts again. Was it something I said? 🙂
Great article
What about the
iComm, a new state of the art cell phone that Hubbard created 45 years ago, but left away because it was so advanced to his time that microship technology could not even produce nor supply the pieces needed by Golden to release it, the cost about 5K and also theres a HCOPL that ask as a must to have an spare one, the main feature is the Suri app a Siri like database with all the routing forms for everything in SCN also a GPS that let know staff the exact time that you expend in course, attending events or just hang out in not allowed areas, SO people can catch you while exit your bank door on payday to easy a reg cycle or just to hear your conversation even with the device turned off, an NFC feature for the IAS that shares your actual status and a balance of weeks that evidence any no money flow week with an exclusive silent notification led light that turns from red to green if you gave or not yet something before thursday 2 PM
Everything in the future will be replaced by intelligent mechanization. Human beings can only do things that can not be replaced by science and technology. Only art and scientific research, other human beings will be of no value.
LMAO! Maria, there aren’t even computers that can understand what I say (on more than a very superficial level).
A.I. doesn’t yet exist and is not even on the visible horizon.
Sleep Monitor App –
This app would initially be praised by all staff and SO, thinking a record of their short sleep hours might allow them to catch up once in awhile. But wait, there’s more – this may be the best app ever.
Operating on vibrations of the human humerus, this modern app tabulates, records, and reports all the naps taken during work hours – and tattles on the slackers. It would even report the sudden onset of sleep caused by sleep deprivation, often experienced when parishioners restore their ecclesiastical verities through the application of RPF-like activities, a purely voluntary experience.
The upside is that within few weeks this app would automatically identify all sleeper crimes. It would automatically Disconnect 99.999 percent of all Scientologists, for the crime of sleeping without permission. The Sleeper App will ‘learn’ as it goes, eventually disconnecting potential members before they even approach an org. ‘Disconnecting the Planet’ will be a reality, and come to mean the same as ‘Clearing the Planet’. Of course if everyone were disconnected, no one would worry about disconnection, ain’t that great?
The sole remaining Scn member in good standing, Mr DM, would be protected from Diosconnection by his inability to operate any apps, and by his severely under-developed humerus (similar to his short Radius, Ulna, Tibia, and Fibula.) It is anticipated he will use the Cherch’s trillion dollars to hire lawyers to hire contractors to hire workers to open more Ideal Orgs, fix his breakfast, attend his speeches, and massage his tiny feet.
Mr DM would finally reach his life goal of doing everything, all-by-himself. His opinion of himself would grow to ten times St Hill size, eventually inflating his little head with so much hot air he would naturally just rise to the heavens and blow away. Poof. Gone. Blown.
Finally, a useful App.
Sleep detection could probably be modified slightly to also be an “early wanker detection” system! Link it to the EO/MAA app and you will have your ammends project before you…finish.
Freaking scary!
Joyeux Noël everybody🎄
Oh boy. I can’t wait to see who is the first to hack the Knowledge Report app! What great reading that would be!
Classic!
It reminds me of the 90s when it was believed that nothing could ever fail as long as it was internet-branded. So, for example, scientology should have become “Cult.com.” Perhaps they could have headed off their internet jinx. But there’s still time to sell the ever popular iRon brand of scams through the iCult app.
The possibilities are endless: A greeting card app creating random Sherman platitudes to mail to all of those friends that you have not disconnected from (yet). A hate web site starter kit choosing at random atrocities to accuse critics of and catchy labels to hang on them. A “you suck … on Hollywood Blvd” ring tone. A random number generator listing the millions of members and billions of people reached on any given day. A map app highlighting all of those (far-away) countries rescued by WTH. An equally random calendar popup, “Only x days until SuMP goes online and disseminates riveting content 24/7 at the correct order of magnitude.”
Or for those bitter, defrocked, bigoted apostates still receiving fundraising email a “Stick it up your IAS” auto-response.
Merry Christmas to all readers and free people. This is a holiday where we remember to serene and happy feelings and being filled by the big manitou. But it is also for these, which are headless and emty fanatics. I guess, manitou doesnt care about this conditions, but the emty person is running and paying to get some fullfilling in his live. Why running and paying? There is no need.
Just buy an app at the hubbardmiscavige store and you get the most fantastic hypnotic ot mood ever. (Better than drugs and become free from yourself.) 😵
Just when you think Scientology couldn’t get worse, something like this comes up….
Thanks for the smiles, Terra! You’ve given us all a nice xmas present.
In order for this to work, the cult would have to have a foundation based on science and technology. *smirk*
George Orwell? Not so much. The E-meter app is actually doable now, just as the actual electronic version is buildable by any competent 10 year old with a set of Legos or comparable building blocks.(wow! I feel like LRh already!)
Anyone who doesn’t know about the Duke of Chug should look this up.
But how did the machine kill him?
God Terra, don’t give Little Davie any ideas! I can see it now, he reaches up, grabs the nearest person by the neck and slaps them in the face with a copy of this blog post. Then he shouts, “this thing here! This is not a thing! WHY is this not a thing?! MAKE THIS A THING!”
I’m thinking about how Miscavage brought in the dehumanizing Div 6’s of Doom. Videos and posters and no people. Because he doesn’t trust people. New people must look at the displays while a carefully trained Div 6 person shadows them to answer questions. How creepy. What ever happened to two way comm, communication? Friendliness? Oh yeah when it’s faked it comes off as robotic and off-putting.
This further dehumanizing of cycles of action is actually right up the cherch’s alley. It’s funny as hell and yet creepy to think of my phone chiming at me. “You’ve got a KR!” In a chirpy computer voice. Or how about this, “You’ve got a survey to fill out before you get the code to leave the auditorium.” With chimes going off for all 14 people that made it to the ‘event.’
Maybe they could hook up their computer to their telex machine and see if they’d sync. LOL.
I’d love to download it but it requires far too many permissions.
Download? It’s distributed exclusively on 8” floppy disks.
Todd Cray,
Wait a minute ! When did we stop using “punch cards” and what is this “Floppy Disk” entheta of which you speak ?
LOL !
Dave F.
Dave: Oops! I guess I’m in “Confusion.” I’ll make a donation to the IAss and get back to you once I’m properly re-hypnotized…
GREAT IDEA!
(/s)
Although it’ll never work as $cientology is extremely techno-phobic. I kid you not: they still use -paper- files to record stuff. Ever seen one of those “central files party” ads where they’re begging for help with their filing? Computerizing that stuff would have cleared up those problems years or even decades ago. *
I can’t remember whose book i read it in (i think it was Chris Shelton’s, although it may have been by Jefferson Hawkins or Marc Hedly) but one of them related an account of how they were able to display the weekly graphs for thursday at 2pm on a computer screen in an easy-to-read format and summary instead of reams of paper that you had to flip through. When they showed their supervisor, they got shut down HARD and told to print it all out because “that’s the way RON said to do it.” Never mind the fact that he couldn’t have approved of it because it was invented -after- he died and that in life he was something of a technophile and would likely have approved of the new way of doing things (and taken credit for it as was his wont) that this unlucky staffer had come up with.
jmsr
* I work in a pharmacy where we legally have to have hardcopies of everything, but once it’s filed it gets stored away (just in case) and we work with the info on our computers. As an example, tax time alone would be a nightmare. I could take tens of minutes (or even hours) going through a person’s file and manually adding up what they personally paid for each rx and write a report list of the meds so they know what to claim as expenses – or i could press a few buttons and generate and print a report in less than 30 seconds. Physically printing it off and signing it takes as long as generating the report.
Btw, the (/s) is sarcasm because i actually disapprove of any means to increase ways to help this $cam make more money. But then again, that’s what the author is saying!
Hilarious!
“Tattling Made Easy” had me rolling….
I tattled once. But the damn thing tattled back.
Mike,
Those apps would certainly add a “Big Brother” aspect to Scientology !
I thought of another one . . . The “E-Meter” app – A small set of “cans” could be attached to the phone, via the Headphone Jack which, being Stereo, could accommodate the input from both cans, simultaneously !
On a funny note, another app could be the “David Miscavige Alarm”, using his voice screaming obscenities in the usual, “incoherent” manner . . . What a “wake-up call” – LOL !
Other Scientology “Schlock” that could be sold on QVC could be the highly-collectible “OT – Toothbrush Set”. This, of course, would come in 8 different colors ( one for each OT level ), and handsomely emblazoned with images of Xenu ( OT-III, of course ), LRH, Tom Cruise, David Miscavige, an E-Meter, and other “icons” of Scientology – LOL !
Merry Christmas, Mike !
Dave F.
Omg lol!!! Brilliant & hilarious 😃
Questions from a non-scientologist: 1. Quit referring to “the church” and “parishioners”. I would support having scientology “declared” as a for-profit organization not entitled to a tax exemption. These references just reinforce that even anti-scientologists think it’s a church. 2. Since scientology is very dependent on a person’s credit cards and credit limit to get more money from people who can’t afford it, could someone like you organize a letter-writing facebook posting campaign to get scientology cut off from these credit companies? Just follow the lead of the gun manufacturing/selling industry whose banks cancelled their accounts and “deauthorized” them from from taking these cards? How about conservative web sites that were cut off from Paypal because of complaints about them being “hate groups”. How about a bad “PR” campaign about how scientology uses visa/mastercard/discover/american express to fund child labor and front groups that provide nothing in the way of charitable services and other abuses. Wouldn’t the credit card companies hate that bad PR and who better to organize it than you guys who are experts at this stuff?
George Orwell could not of done it better.
Every Scientologist should be glad that LRH did not have access to todays technology.
He wouldn’t know what to do with it.
Correct OSD. El Tubbo couldn’t even “predict” the internet while it existed. He was a technophobe.
…..but if they’re all zapping info across the universe, how can they gather for events and spectacularly glossy photo ops? Can Dave thrive without personal human adoration?
No he couldn’t. Without adoration (like our president) he would whither away. He’s got to have his ego stroked constantly.
Aren’t there mixed-reality apps for that?
Sue K,
Maybe there could be a “fluffer” app for Miscavige . . . LOL ! ( forgive me )
Dave F.
Hi! I think I’ll need a Clean Hands App. Where can I download it from?
Are you sure your hands are clean enough?
After a month or so with that app, they sure will be!
The stuff this cult has done already would make George Orwell twirl in his grave. What you’ve outlined above sounds like a dystopian novel even LRH himself would have decided was evil, if it described any kind of futuristic government and not some supposedly benign “religion”. It makes it look as if the act of “clearing” a planet actually involves making people malleable for totalitarian control. Which of course, it does and is probably the point. It just really stands out when you add the modern digital tools to increase efficiency.
Wait TC! What ever happened to the Vee Em App where you can upload yer great deeds immediately as they happen and show the world in real time how much the cherch does fer man and woman kind?
You could upload yer selfie handing out TWTH booklets to all the folks who lost their homes in the recent wildfires and then Dave could immediately broadcast it to the world. Millions of lives could be saved and happiness immediately restored to all those who lost everything.
And finally there would be the Bee Em App for all those who felt the church was a croc of shit and could immediately free themselves of a load. This would of course go straight to Julian where He could immediately download the whole thingy to Dave.
Very funny Terra…
The world is hell bent on getting everyone connected while Scientology is trying equally hard to disconnect their members from the information on the internet. Unfortunately for Scientology, this is like trying to stay dry while taking bath. It ain’t going to happen.
People seem to forget that Kenny Rodgers and the ‘first edition’ were a psychedelic band in the 60’s.
Given the current technology, $cientology should dispense with the phone apps and go directly to brain implants. It would be so much easier to get those ‘donations’ and sec checks done by a server farm. No more staff or sea borg needed, just be sure to pay your electric bill.
I can see other religions jumping on that boat. Eventually, Big Brother would require brain implants in everyone and then humanity would die watching brain implanted cat videos.
Finally, the Chimpanzees would rise up and take over the world. Have a banana…
Lol..
HUH?
Seems like a kind of blending of cults to me. From my perspective the digital age evolution dehumanises anyway. Adding scientology into the mix of automations and cellular/digital intelligence is about as scary as the advancements in drone warfare, high tech GPS surveillance and microchip identification. Geezers… I remember a life when losing the remote didn’t register as an emotional occurrence.
Cashless societies, digital wizardry & nanotechnology. I’m happy being old & living on the edge of the wilderness (what’s left of it). Even thinking of positioning Scientology or any cult in that sort of modern scenario, ouch! Best of luck kiddies, I think you’re going to need some.
Brilliant! I still believe we can do interactive video auditing, automatically recorded and immediately available for viewing. With your applications, we could eliminate the human interface almost entirely, reducing the amount spent on slave wages and rice & beans. We can simply sit back and collect the money and redistribute as needed to payoff politicians and attorneys.
Auditing already eliminates the “human” interface.
You never knew my auditors in the 60s and 70s. Fabulous human beings.
😊
That KR app would probably break the internet! lol
Who needs an app? https://www.rtc.org/reports/form/index.html 😨
Non-Scientologists also welcome!
A few extra lines on that Religious Technology Center Electronic Report Form and it could become a dating center. A Scientology e-Harmony
I have a few thousand I’d like to write. I’m not a scamatologist; I just want to tell on people
Lol!
Skype would also be useful. Someone from Kansas could do TRs with someone from England. A Course Supervisor would be at one end and the Stat would go there.
That’s funny and amazing. Weird they haven’t thought of this before. Except for the distance part. They seem to like to punish in person!
Scientology and technology. Two words in opposition.
“Scientology and Technology” are indeed worlds apart. In fact, they have absolutely no relationship to each other. Scientology is all make believe. Today’s technology is worlds apart from the cult.
Exactly!
Now don’t be giving Miscavige any ideas!
Oh, I think we’re pretty safe there. He has a whole army of lawyers to give him lots of those 24/7. Scientology, I reckon has run its course. Hubbard and now Miscavige have played their hands, made a stack of cash and will let the same bs run on auto until something extinguishes the Cof$. Unfortunately the abuses are part and parcel of their operating culture, you just can’t have one without the other.
Maybe mother nature might step up to the plate and give Miscavige some nasty surprise and quicken the process. She has a way of reminding us abruptly sometimes just what being mortal is all about. The Scientology state of OT is about as real as the Easter Bunny, no offence intended for rabbits & chocolate eggs.
I would be worried about this too if the cult was a progressive and adapted with the times. But, alas, they are stuck in another dimension doing the same-o shit they’ve always done.
It saddens me to know that all of these people may be imprisoned by Scientology fanatics . God Bless you all for trying to help to free them .
I laughed my ass off! But poor Foolproof will feel disappointed and dejected since there is nothing to criticize you personally for in this post Terra!
Give him a chance…
As for “criticizing Terra personally”, this is yet another dub-in of the unwashed hoi-polloi that roll their unfounded comments out without engaging brain. Commenter sees the word “Foolproof” and immediately invents some sort of nonsense and this spews forth from his or her keyboard. His articles I do often criticize but as I don’t know him personally (AFAIK) and as far as I recall I don’t criticize him personally, this is just yet another attempt to “fire-blanket” my comments with an unnecessary smear. Even Terra says he likes my comments (as it must be somewhat embarrassing for him to read all the fawning and cooing comments above and someone disagreeing or offering a counterpoint is like a breath of fresh air). And if I were calling him all sorts of names (like I am called) then I don’t think Terra would say such nice things about me, would he? No, against Terra personally, I do not comment. Or if I have then, well, I apologize to him. But I don’t think I have, so I won’t really apologize – haha! (Work that one out!)
As if….. 😆
Fool said, “No, against Terra personally, I do not comment. Or if I have then, well, I apologize to him. But I don’t think I have, so I won’t really apologize – haha! (Work that one out!)”
If you don’t lie all the time you don’t have to remember what you said. – Mark Twain
From what I say I don’t seem to be that worried about what I remember or not, am I Wyn? So thank you Huckleberry (and Mark Twain) for confirming that.
Thanks for the great Holiday Season essay Terra! This one really made my morning.
Here’s my suggestion for enhancing a scientologist’s digital world. The Disappeared App (aka the Who? App) Apps could be programmed so that any unsavory historical figure could be deleted so that the mere appearance of their names would not tarnish the sublime reputation that scientology enjoys. Of course, any SP would automatically be included for deletion on this list, but others could be too. Heber, Quentin, Mary Sue, Nibs, Reg, Dr. Winter, Alexa, etc., etc., etc. We don’t want to have members ask questions about these folks.
I’m headed for my telex machine to fire off this suggestion to OSA right now.
Happy Holidays everyone…
🙂