Today, some fine snark from our old friend Clearly Not Clear in response to this promo piece.
Call any staff member to confirm? One of the three perhaps? Or just leave a message on the machine? Oh, no machine? Yeah, they don’t want to start the day with multiple distortion-riddled, yelled messages from upper management. So yeah, no machine.
The dynamics? Yeah the dynamics of how to pay for A) your next service, or B) if you’re in Ethics, a sizable donation for the Ideal Boondoggle, er Org program. Regging via the dynamics, hmm how would that work?
First dynamic: Donate for your personal backdoor-to-eternity freedom.
Second dynamic: Donate to stave off the agonized future of your children. No kids cause you were in the SO for too long? No problem. You probably didn’t get much action, on the inside. So donate so you can be a sexy, upstat, Scientologist and have a chance.
Third Dynamic: Donate for the sake of your group. Donate for your Ideal Morgue. Already got one? Good and empty, innit? Donate for the nearest one. Yeah, that’s quite the third dynamic thing to do.
Fourth Dynamic: Donate for the Ideal Org in Slovakia. It’s really booming there and they are busting at the seams in their little 20,000 square foot rental. What do you mean those pictures are from Romania? Sergeant at Arms? Take this steaming pile of excrement to Ethics, Now! Where was I? Oh yeah. In Slovakia, they are booming like never before and need this new building. It’s 80,000 square feet. It’s a dairy barn, but we’ll convert it to thirty course rooms, forty auditing rooms, and two auditoriums. We’ll be able to deliver 10X the rest of the EU. What? You’re from Slovakia? Do you doubt my statistics? Sergeant at Arms? Hello?
Fifth dynamic: Animals the world over are suffering because of human aberration. We need these Ideal Morgues to be like bulwarks against dark forces. In order to be kind to animals. Look at the sweet abandoned kittah. You can do something about it. What? Of course, I don’t want you to donate to the Humane Society. Those bunch of crooks use the money to line their bulging pockets. They hardly help any animals at all. It’s a scam. LRH investigated them years ago when they slammed his statements about using e-meters to clear trauma from animals. What? Well in all experiments these things happen. You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, eh? Where’s that Sergeant at Arms?
Sixth dynamic: The earth is careening around the gulaxy at an alarming speed. People are claiming climate change as an excuse to be unproductive. Our Ideal Morgues will put Ethics into the environment. We need your help to right the ship of state. The politicians don’t understand the importance of postulates. Eh? LRH’s position is that climate change is black PR put out by the socialist SP’s bent on rewarding downstats in shithole countries. Well no, I didn’t hear that directly from LRH. I just looked at the scripture. Yes, his books are our scriptures. Yes, the thing about an eight-year-old girl who shouldn’t be shocked by a tongue kiss from an old man with halitosis is in the Dianetics book. Well, it was a different time then. We’re talking about our planet, not some simpering little girl and her delusions from past lives. (Looks around for the Sergeant at Arms.)
Seventh dynamic: Well honey, it looks like it’s just you and me.
What say we call it a night? Can you read aloud to me again before bed from Mission Earth? It’s getting to another one of the good parts. (Hurriedly takes down a poster with a huge photoshopped picture of his old white guy self and grabs car keys.)