Scientology is patting itself on the back following the 34th annual IAS event.
A few morsels of mulleted magnificence to set the scene — and this was just the preamble to get to the actual avent:
East Grinstead appears as if from a storybook, a medieval marketplace…
…wave upon wave of attendees, their anticipation abounding.
…the crunch of stone and gravel below boots and high heels echoed down the drive, dusk turned to night and an evening of wonder was now poised to begin.
It was the typical stream of adjectival excess that sprang forth in the strange cadence of the one True Leader.
“As is traditional, tonight’s the night we traverse 24-thousand miles of our IAS country and thereby track every vector of planetary salvage,”
“Our bid to rid this world of drug abuse, our human rights mandate, and the same again for morality as promulgated by the 21 precepts of The Way to Happiness. The point being, do you honestly believe that history must always rhyme with misery? And that conflict and injustice are inevitable? Well, L. Ron Hubbard never thought so and nor does the IAS.”
History rhymes with misery?
As always, they spin the fairy tale that the IAS was founded at Saint Hill “to unite, advance, support and protect Scientologists and the Scientology religion so as to achieve the Aims of Scientology.” The real truth, that the IAS was formed to keep money outside the US and the reach of the IRS (or in fact, the jurisdiction of any government). Formed under European association law it was established in Cyprus to collect funds from scientology organizations outside the US and keep it there.
The IAS had NO role in the “Portland Crusade”, but it has become scientology “truth” that it did. It has been repeated often enough that scientologists believe this with all their hearts. Just like they now believe David Miscavige was selected by L. Ron Hubbard as his chosen successor. Far from it. Jesse Prince’s book The Expert Witness lays out the real story.
But back to the hype for this year:
“Mr. Miscavige outlined a year of outstanding successes powered by an irrepressible force where all advances are aligned toward humanitarian salvage and expansion.”
And the BIG accomplishment? The “historic grand opening of a stunning new Church of Scientology [building] in Stuttgart” Miscavige sneaked into Germany, apparently afraid of announcing his presence beforehand. He yanked his ribbon and vanished again in a puff of smoke, or maybe he ducked back behind the green curtain. Odd that he was in Germany for the first time since 1991 and he didn’t pay a visit to the long-suffering Munich org just down the autobahn. Or Frankfurt or Düsseldorf a short drive to the north. Actually it seems scientology’s capo wont go near any scientology org unless it’s to yank his ribbon. He has never visited his sad little outposts in Brighton or Plymouth either though always has time for a fitting at John Lobb in London when he visits St. Hill.
But back to the amazing accomplishments “thanks to legendary support” from the IAS. Another of the big lies scientology perpetrates. The amount of money they spend on these “campaigns” is miniscule.
And here are the biggest lies of all:
The night continued on an upward trajectory, soaring over a landscape filled with humanitarian accomplishment
- United for Human Rights staging rallies and events in locations worldwide, including Mexico, The Gambia, India, Taiwan, Washington, D.C. and at the UN Headquarters in New York City—representing a global movement dedicated to building “a fair and free world.”
- Fair and free for whom? Certainly not anyone who disagrees with scientology.
- In Costa Rica, where the Youth for Human Rights booklet became an official publication of the country’s World Cup soccer team, spawning a movement through all 82 districts, reaching 2 million people in totality.
- Someone better alert the Costa Rican soccer team! You can bet they have NO CLUE they are being featured at a scientology event.
- The Way to Happiness Nepal empowering over 100,000 students with the 21 precepts, effecting a significant drop in school bullying and resulting in a governmental partnership with the nation’s schools.
- A significant drop in school bullying? Is this like the 50% reduction in the crime rate of Colombia?
- Drug-Free World Malaysia touring under a Punk Rock anthem, “Do Music, Not Drugs,” and replaying to thousands of local students and 1.2 million citizens, altogether inspiring a plunge in drug-related crime.
- A Punk Rock “anthem” playing on the radio caused a plunge in drug-related crime? Riiiight….
- Drug-Free World marches and events in South Africa and across the continent distributing nearly 140,000 The Truth About Drugs booklets; drug-free pledge drives amassing 50,000 signatures in Colombia; Drug-Free World teams blanketing Super Bowl 52 in Minnesota, USA, with 230,000 booklets; and at the FIFA World Cup in Russia spreading over half a million booklets from the Black Sea to the Red Square; altogether disseminating more than 15 million The Truth About Drugs booklets across 19 time zones of Earth in the past year.
- Wonder if they ever count the number of them that end up in the trash? Even more, wonder about how much money they collected for these things and how much they spent. I bet they collected 10X what they spent.
- The Scientology Volunteer Ministers (VMs) aiding in disasters around the world, including at earthquakes in Taiwan, monsoons in Nepal, typhoons in Japan and fires in Greece as well as across California.
- 3 people and a camera crew at a time.
- In Puerto Rico, after the deadly Hurricane Maria hit the island dead-on, Volunteer Ministers arrived immediately to deliver more than 150,000 vital supplies and subsequently drove a “do-it-yourself” solar power movement to light up some 300,000 homes.
- What does 150,000 vital supplies mean? This is the total number of Q-tips in 1,000 boxes they handed out?
- In total, Scientology Volunteer Ministers traveled 640,000 miles to bring succor to over 5 million people hit by natural and man-made disasters.
- Well, that is weird. I figured I have traveled almost 70,000 miles myself this year flying between home and Los Angeles. So I have accomplished more than 10% of the largest private relief force on earth?
This year’s recipients of the three IAS Freedom Medals stood tall, underscoring the evening’s theme of relentless devotion toward the achievement of peace, education, decency, social justice and a drug-free and crime-free existence across the planet. Mr. Miscavige introduced each one individually, and a special video presentation punctuated their unflinching commitment to humanity:
Blah, blah, blah.
At which point, a night packed full with purpose and passion hit maximum volume as Mr. Miscavige previewed the Scientology Network’s bold new chapter with the announcement of the Fall Season premiere, Monday, October 8. Dozens of new episodes will showcase every aspect of the world’s youngest major religion and its global humanitarian mission over the coming months. In fact, since launch on March 12, 2018, the Scientology Network has been viewed across 237 countries and territories worldwide in 17 languages.
This was actually THE big news? Boy oh boy. Scraping the barrel. I bet my blog has been “viewed” across just as many countries and territories.
Nowhere does he EVER mention how many people actually TUNE IN to the Cult Shopping Network. They love to make fun of the “terrible ratings” of Scientology and The Aftermath. I bet ONE EPISODE of The Aftermath was seen by more people than the entire year of CSN “programming.” If the CSN is such a massive success, why not give the stats? There is nothing Miscavige likes more than announcing large numbers “we laid 4,875,348 1/2 inches of wire to make this state of the art studio a reality” or “we removed 437.3 specks of dust from each frame of this film, making a grand total of 754,829,442.9 specks removed for the whole film,” and “if you stacked them all end to end it would be taller than the Empire State building” blah blah blah. I know if they even had 100,000 viewers they would converting this into “equivalent the entire population of Wichita tuning in” or something. It must be DISMAL for the only stats to be the number of nations and territories that can access the internet.
The real astonishing accomplishment to be remarked upon here is that so many people sit mesmerized by the bright lights, loud explosion noises and droning hypnotic voice of True Leader, clapping like seals swallowing the stinky fish tossed at them from the gaudy stage.
THAT is truly amazing.
I can’t believe the audience isn’t made up of some people who are intelligent enough that, at least some, see through this kind of hype? Doesn’t anyone ask about real stats anymore? Number of Clears made for example? Instead of miles traveled by VM’s? tsk tsk tsk.
Just Hummin' Along says
Mike, did you ever imagine you would be starring in a “Cult Classic”? (see billboard posted over at Tony’s) Perfect. Tuesday, Nov 27th. I’ll be there..or, more to the point, on the couch.
Reading that crap made my head hurt.
I imagine permanent brain damage occurs after 20 to 30 minutes of exposure to such mind bending drivel.
I can only imagine what it must do to the cognitive capacity of the person who not only reads it, but practices it, and then presents it. Devastating.
I need a drink after just a little exposure. No wonder the true Cabbage inhales scotch in quantity.
I Yawnalot says
I’m pretty sure Scientology is re-reverting to a secret society, so secret in fact its members don’t even call themselves Scientologists. As to the rest of humanity, they know enough about them not to give a shit. The massive amount of liquor consumed by Dear Leader paths the way in an otherwise dark place filled with all sorts of enemies and demons. And anyone on the Scientology payroll above 50c an hour are lawyers, security personnel or delivery drivers.
Eduardo .Cadena says
Off topic, but hyped:
Once I read Mr. John Travolta had 35,000 miles flight experience. Maybe it is impressive, worth about 87 hours as captain or first officer!
They could state that in inches: 2,048,176,550!
Komodo Dragon says
Mike, I’m wondering if you would comment or perhaps do a post of what your thoughts were when you were still in, listening to those speeches by Mighty Mite. Did you believe what was being said was true while you were “still under the influence”, or did you realize it was all made-up bullshit?
Deborah Edgerton says
Perhaps, with a personal perspective, Mr. Rinder has already given you an answer to you request in the last paragraph.
Karma's a B says
Mike probably won’t answer that……Komodo Dragon. Hmm….nice user name btw lol.
PS- Cuz I just can’t help it! I’ll bet everyone who accepts leadership under Miscarriage knows or knew it was made up bullshit.
Jere Lull (38 years recovering) says
“History rhymes with misery?”
ONLY to a “rapper” or the similarly untalented performer.
Also, Andy, don’t be so hard on DM. There have been worse ecclesiastical leaders. Far worse! Heads of churches who were extremely cruel to their wives once the decision was made to trade them in for newer models… All DM did was lock Shelley up- for life. At least he’s not divorcing her. Not accusing her of treason and incest, or beheading her and her family like Henry VIII of England did when Anne Boleyn displeased him! Lets get some perspective here! DM is a Boy Scout compared to Old Henry! So the Dwarf got bored and wanted a little on the side. He did the gentlemanly thing and sent Shelley away and put her under armed guard for the rest of her life, I mean, big deal! Some day he’ll get tired of Lou, too. and there’ll be another Sea Org Squeeze lined up just itching to wear the Communicator With Benefits Hat, and Lou will get the yo-heave too, but DM will handle all this unpleasantness with his customary style and class.. No doubt he’ll dispense with her in an equally humane way as he did Shelley! He might even find it in his heart send Lou to the same place Shelley is. Just think, they’ll be such nice company for one another. So much in common, after all. That DM – always thinking of others!
This post of mine above was in response to Andy’s way below.
Gflded Kim says
How long has it been since Lou has been seen??
Mike, nice breakdown of their claims.
I find it interesting to see how they sometimes hide the relative failure of their shrinking operations by throwing out some numbers that may look impressive at first glance. For instance, another way of looking at those 640,000 miles is that are actually only equivalent to about 230 round trips from LA to Houston, where Hurricane Harvey hit last year and where they sent some people – or what would be only a bit over 3 miles (yes, three) for each of their claimed 200,000 VMs. The ugly truth is visible underneath that claim, and there’s certainly no way that such an actually minimal level of activity directly had anything to do with more than a few thousands or tens of thousands of disaster victims, certainly not the millions claimed.
We can also see that they must count every mile traveled and every toiletry kit packed, in their obsessive pursuit of “stats.” A real relief agency would be more interested in actually helping people, than accounting for every little thing they could try to take credit for, in an effort to impress people. I happen to notice recently that the Southern Baptists apparently operate something like 200 food trucks – which certainly require a lot of training, preparation, stocking, and pre-positioning, unlike Scientology’s reactive and amateurish minimal operations – and yet they’re almost unknown, because they’re more interested in actually helping people than drawing attention to themselves.
It’s mostly $cientology history that must always rhyme with misery. Mistery? The whole long exercise of Scientology is one of misery for one’s family, one’s finances, the potential for disconnection, wasting precious years of your life, being treated like hell, brain washed, etc..
Steve Jobs had a nice expression that applies well to this cult of misery – “a bag of hurt.”
IndieScientologyNews (@IndieScieNews) says
O/T. On October 14, 2018, Rev. Emily Hotho at the Skycrest United Methodist Church in Clearwater did a particularly nice sermon on “Christianity & Scientology.” I found the sermon to be both thoughtful and compassionate.
At 23:00, Rev. Emily Hotho refers people to the Aftermath Foundation.
Or on Podchaser:
Golden-Era Parachute says
Mike, you got it 100% accurate with the arbitrary and nonsensical stats produced to hyper-inflate the yearly sacrificial bloatfish known as an IAS event.
I’ll use a Scientology term to describe what can only be witnessed to be fully misunderstood: absolutely out-reality.
“…a few morsels of mulletted magnificence…” LOL!
This was just one snippet of stellar snark to enjoy in this article. Thank you, Mike!
And, OMG, my hat is also off to you for even READING this Shermanspeak so as to satirize it.
Is it my imagine or is the S-speak getting even more beyond the beyond as the cult’s stats continue to sink?
Talk about “thick” – such language – Jesus, my head is swimming!
Peggy L says
That was my favorite line too Aquamarine! 🙂 It set the stage perfectly.
I’m back reading here after wrapping up work and chuckling all over again!
I Yawnalot says
A mullet is a fish where I come from.
“This year’s recipients stood tall.” Doesn’t everyone stand tall, next to Mr. Midgetscavige?
True, true and I like your comment.
Dr. Strabismus of Utrecht says
Q: Why does Davy’s IAS tent have so mant vents in the top?
A: To let all the flatulence coming out of his mouth escape.
I bet it really smells like rotten eggs in that tent.
I Yawnalot says
Couldn’t read much of it, my stomach just can’t take it anymore but I did marvel at the tech of group masturbation. Scientology sure has that down, and in a tent too!
Don’t you mean each big cash splashing supplicant got to tug the Demented One’s todger once as they filed past him?
I Yawnalot says
Well… like YEAH!
” the tech of group masturbation ”
There! You see? Scientology does have tech that works!
Xenu's Son says
Collective Scientology IQ is inexorably heading for room temperature.
I Yawnalot says
f or c? It does make a difference to the not quite bright.
Jere Lull (38 years recovering) says
Xenu’s son:”Collective Scientology IQ is inexorably heading for room temperature.”
— when measured in degrees Celsius, to boot.
The Scribe says
A typical Scientologist’s thought process concerning COB at the recent IAS shindig. (Apologies to Cole Porter)
I’ve got you under my skin.
I’ve got you deep in the heart of me.
So deep in my heart that you’re really a part of me.
I’ve got you under my skin.
I tried so hard not to give in.
I said to myself: this con game never will go so well.
But why should I try to resist when, Davy, I know damn well
I’ve got you under my skin?
I’d sacrifice anything come what might
For the sake of having you near
In spite of a warning voice that comes in the night
And repeats, repeats in my ear:
Don’t you know, you fool, you never can win?
Use your mentality, wake up to reality.
But each time that I do just the thought of you
Makes me stop before I begin
‘Cause I’ve got you under my skin.
“…the Scientology Network has been viewed across 237 countries…”
Uh, let’s see, the last time I checked there were only 195 countries in the world:
Now, Myrklix. When has truth ever mattered to this bunch? Whatsoever cometh from the lips of Miscavige is to be accepted as gospel. So lf Little Man says that there are 237 countries when in reality there are only 195, then there actually are 237 countries in the world because Little Man says so.
Mike you had me at “morsels of mulleted magnificence”
Were the men going barefoot? “Boots and high heels…”
“Our bid to rid this world of drug abuse…and the same again for morality…”. There you have it from dear leader himself. Ridding the world of morality!
Our bid to rid this world of:
1. drug abuse,
2. our human rights…..
Way to go, corn COB !
Old Surfer Dude says
Maybe Immorality is a better word. That and slavery.
I Yawnalot says
Maybe that’s why they use a tent, they can have mobility with their immorality. Being an immortal being does have its accommodation problems over the long haul. Slavery… well, to them creating & having slaves is just part of the magnificence of it all.
This reminds me of one of the tools cults use to indoctrinate people; place them in a trancelike state and then bombard them with excess of information on what you want them to believe.
These full mouthed sentences do just that: mesmerize you, place you in a trancelike state ideal to be implanted, really.
To paraphrase Mr. Churchill: ‘Never has so much meaningless drivel been delivered by such an insipid mini-midget to so few intelligence-challenged hunanoids in a spanning of the globe to so little impact anywhere.’
If the followers of TonyO have the IAS shindig numbers about right then their worldwide numbers are now less than 10,000. What that means to me is their ballistic trajectory is accelerating downward, and soon to crater when it hits the ground. The downside to their shrinking numbers suggests that these are the hard core mafia-types. They put the world at risk of 10,000 cult driven misfits wanting to go out in some sort of unhinged finale. Never underestimate the behavior of cultists.
Mike, Your comments are truly brilliant and refreshing. COB’s bullshit and palaver always put me to sleep at events. Your points shine the light of truth across it all. And so does Google where it is reported that the Costa Rica Soccer Team only handed out 28,000 booklets and even those were their own publication. Certainly the team didn’t want to be linked to the cult.
Last night over our weekly four (sometimes 5) generation FAMILY dinner, we figured out the number of miles we traveled as a FAMILY to support my grandson’s traveling baseball team this year.
That’s one FAMILY supporting one kid playing traveling baseball.
Number of miles traveled to go camping and other non-baseball related FAMILY outings
Number of miles traveled to visit out of state relatives (FAMILY)
Amount of hardship incurred because of this
Zip, zilch, zero, nada, none. But lots of hugs, laughter and love.
Why do I say this? Because you will notice that NOT ONCE in his self congratulatory word salad does he even mention the word FAMILY.
Who does he really believe he’s helping if his main goal is to rip families apart?
I Yawnalot says
Your observation is scary sometimes Val.
“Drug-Free World teams blanketing Super Bowl 52 in Minnesota, USA, with 230,000 booklets”
Yeah, no. I live near the site where the game was held and I walked through the Super Bowl chaos every day for two weeks. Never once did I see a single Scio handing out anything, nor did I ever see one of the anti-Drug booklets, not even in the trash.
(Who was supposedly doing this, anyway? The handful of people who are usually standing around bored at the mOrg over in St. Paul? Even if they had 50 people doing this full time, they’d each have to hand out almost 5,000 booklets. I doubt there are even 50 Scientologists in the state.)
They didn’t “blanket” the city with anything but BS
I know you Minnesotans are hardy people, but if 50 people were standing around before the Super Bowl handing out pamphlets, I bow to them. Wasn’t it about 3 degrees outside for that Super Bowl?
Well it’s colder than Clearwater, but that’s a fairly normal winter day in Minneapolis 🙂
Peggy L says
Maybe if someone had checked under bridges they would have found some of those books, if they were even available. Where I live there are free papers that carriers are supposed to take door to door. Many many times bundles of them were found under a bridge of dumped in a creek.
Dawn Whitty says
God he’s such a little coward. I’m sure that the “troops” could have used a visit from him to inspire them. Instead he sneaks in and out like a thief in the night. He doesn’t care about staff, parishioners or the planet. Just himself.
Hyperbole in Lron’s service is a sacrament. Notice how the audience is getting smaller, soon they’ll be able to meet in an old style phone booth.
Mark Foster says
All hail the great, benevolent, far-seeing emperor of the espinol stars, the ecclesiastical emir of the world’s hippest, coolest religion, erasing entheta and expanding, exponentially, enlightenment and emancipation in this quadrant of the galaxy! Behold the diminutive and demonic dervish of whole track wizardry, weaving a skein of pronouncements, postulates,and prophecies so powerful that the mere sound of them being uttered brings immediate succor and sanity to every part of this degraded, downward-spiralling mudball.
Marvel at the perfect color, texture, and arrangement of the hair plugs that soar heavenward in his big being bouffant! Note the perfect cut of his hand-tailored suits, the subtle lift of his custom made John Lobbs, the muted color of his hand-sewn shirts made from Egyptian cotton, bought courtesy of the degradation and humiliation of Sea Borg Slaves worldwide! Note the looks of gleeful, hypnotically induced, sleep-deprived admiration on the faces of all 25 staff members from the United Kingdom as they anxiously anticipate the end of his 4 hour speech so that they may fight each other for post-event crumbs, scraps, and leftovers! Behold, with bug-eyed disbelief and awe, his majestic collection of gaudy, empty buildings! Remember to cherish and uphold the memory of his heavily armed private investigators, following Dear Leader’s father, being told, ” If he dies, he dies” ; this is an example of the cold chrome amorality which will lift the masses of this planet out of their banky, g.e. driven suffering!
A leader of leaders, a mensch among putzes,a big being who has the only dreck which can drown this planet in useless pamphlets, fabricated statistics, broken and bankrupted families, and aborted babies. Yes, the little fucker stands TALL…on the shoulders of all of the people he has abused and defrauded, in loving tribute to the Original Sebaceous Cyst, El Con Flubbard. Hip, hip, hooray!
Annnnnddd we have a new Dan “the Mullet” sherminator. Be prepared to bow, scrape and hold back the bile rising in your throat while making massive sums of money for making absolutely no sense. You’ll do great.
Brilliant piece of writing, Mr. Foster; well done! I adored the alliteration and loved the lyrical yet lucid lilt of your perspicatious prose. And what a perfect and apt metaphor: ‘the Original Secaceous Cyst.’ That he was, alright.
To: Mark Foster
From: David Miscavige COB RTC
Re: your write-up about me
Fabulous! Dan Sherman couldn’t heap praise like you do! I want you on my PR staff immediately! I have a Freedom Medal, a Kha-Khan and a rank of Loyal Officer waiting on my desk! It’s all yours the moment you say ‘yes’ to my most fabulous offer!
To: Mark Foster
Re: walking into a trap
I just want to say this about the midget’s offer:
DON’T DO IT!
DON’T DO IT!
RUN AS FAR AWAY AS YOU CAN!
Ann Davis says
Brilliant Mark Foster! I love your writing
That was brilliantly written, Mike. That last sentence is killer. One other sentence caught my attention: “In total, Scientology Volunteer Ministers traveled 640,000 miles to bring succor to over 5 million people hit by natural and man-made disasters.”
Well, there’s a succor born every minute.
And it’s a mystery they think history rhymes with misery.
100 people making a coast to coast round trip across the US would equal 600,000.
Makes me think of the “Vicar of Dibley” episode where the assistant is reading from the Bible and can’t read it correctly because of the font used. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7UySOpb64yc
Therese Grant says
The whole speech would make more sense it written in Anglo-Saxon.
David Bates says
About the punk rock group’s song. “Do music, not drugs”.we just got off the phone with our relatives in the Philippines and not a single teen or adult down there ever hrard of it. Surprising dince those countrirs are always listening to each others music. Epic fail on that comment!
Andy Poole says
The bull shit is getting thinner – when the dwarf goes back down his hole in sure he is happy – is he still shagging his PA and locking up his wife
I Yawnalot says
Oh boy, did you just give me a nausea attack. Imagine a booklet on the sexual fantasies of David Miscavige?