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Thursday Funnies

September 29, 2016 By Mike Rinder 64 Comments

  1. screenshot-21

 

Scots Humor

The HUGE clan gathering, including the entirety of the Flag Italian OT Committee (?) and Greg (Mc) Winteregg, his wife and other fundraising imports from England finally happened. From the photo, looks to be about 30 people including children. Does not appear Scotland is in imminent danger of being overrun by scientologists.

newsletter174

 

Church. What church?

screenshot-1

 

“Convenient” accommodations

They have more cockroaches than guests by at least 47X

screenshot-2

 

Right now, in our Aacdemy

Still haven’t seen a Class IV auditor made in their “ideal” Aacdemy.

screenshot-22

 

 

The only man in Columbus?

Is this the only guy in Columbus? He seems to be the only scientologist at least.

screenshot-23

 

Look who resigned?

After 25 years he finally did it. Oh, I guess this means re-signed. And that’s news? Must be a slow news year in the OC ideal org.screenshot-24

 

Cradle Robbing – continued

screenshot-3

 

St Hill tour in Canada

They are so desperate they have flown people across the Atlantic to try and drum up some business. There are 70 million people in the UK and an ideal org in London clearing the UK?

screenshot-5

 

Graduation Graveyard

Trying to figure out anything that might attract people to the combined graduation of 5 “ideal” orgs. You would think they wouldn’t have anywhere that all the graduates each week would be able to fit? Those 700 new people a week coming into the LA model, double SH Size ideal org must fill up Lebanon Hall. How can there be room for all the training grads from ASHO and OT’s from AOLA? After all, this IS the “Golden Age of Tech II.”

screenshot-8

 

Cradle Robbing – more

They have been sending out this exact same email for 3 weeks now. I guess they manage to rope in a kid once a month or so…

screenshot-10

 

Only OT VIIs and VIIIs for drydock

We only want the creme de la creme as we sit in dry dock having our hull sandblasted….

fw

 

CF Potluck

What could be more fun and exciting! Filing AND bad food.

screenshot-12

 

Mc Winteregg again?

And what the hell does that child have to do with a “Field Briefing”?

screenshot-14

 

Church? What church?

This is a money-making outfit.

screenshot-17

 

Our next 3 reg events

Including a “Golden Age of Dissemination” pitch. This is more like the Fools Gold Age.

screenshot-1391

 

Come join me!

The scientology version of flirty fishing…

screenshot-1392

 

screenshot-1395

 

Errmm – no we don’t

screenshot-1396

 

It’s always “about to change”…

screenshot-1402

 

What do you get?

CGI images of empty rooms.

screenshot-1403

 

Now that’s not very OT

How could these Super OT’s not make this go right?

screenshot-1404

 

The operative word here is “back”

St Hill is still trying to survive on the “glory” days of the 1960’s when something was happening there.

screenshot-1405

 

Another Chan?

Michael is enough. Must be noting how much cash Michael is raking in and wanting a piece of the action too…

screenshot-1406

 

Energetic vitality

A picture is worth a thousand words…

screenshot-1407

 

It’s a MEGA event

Nothing epic or monumental here. This is MEGA. With stars nobody has ever heard of. You mean Silicon Valley ideal org needs more money still?

screenshot-1408

 

Fundraising is fun!

screenshot-1410

 

Porn Valley 

The number of emails and promotional items for the Porn Valley ideal org has broken all records. This is just a SMALL selection of the onslaught. The first from Quinn the Eskimo is enlightening. They purchased this building in January 2009! 7 1/2 years ago. And they still don’t have enough money to build it!

screenshot-16

The last supper?

Weird imagery — even for these guys. But the good news. No chicken.

vly

 

Only 884 to go

This poster has been sent out several times a day to update everyone. This is from the 2nd of 7 days. Don’t think they are going to make it…

vly1

 

Combining Forces

9 years later the combined forces of the largest concentration of scientologists on earth still cannot complete a cycle of action

vly3

ASHO is all in for Porn Valley

Thought you were supposed to be making auditors?

vly4

 

1/2 Humanitarianships still available

The final sales pitch. Buy your status for half price. Does that make you feel good?

vly2

 

For the record

This is the complete list of everyone “confirmed” for “V Day” — and a pretty comprehensive list of all the scientologists of note in the LA area. The vast majority have no direct contact with Valley Org.  Their names are recorded for posterity — this should really be dubbed “L-Day” for Losers.

z

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Filed Under: Funnies Tagged With: Church of Scientology, fundraising, funnies, International Association of Scientologists, Scientology Idle Orgs, valley org

Comments

  1. katsmidlifecrisis says

    October 2, 2016 at 9:08 pm

    I always thought there was a bit of flirty fishing going on to get folks to join the SO. The Children of God at least followed through on their enticements, I am betting the SO members don’t have the time or energy to do anything but work and sleep. Ha.

    Reply
  2. John McGhee says

    September 30, 2016 at 9:26 am

    Definitely a once-off in Scotland with that “crowd”; there were tumbleweeds when we visited HAPI a few weeks ago. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gKFZuz-q9oA

    Reply
    • Hayley Murfin says

      September 30, 2016 at 11:54 am

      Yes- and no sign of fearless leaders sword- he scuttled off up the street. It is generally empty except for a few staff and the odd tramp urinating in the doorway.

      Reply
  3. Royal Jandreau says

    September 30, 2016 at 5:17 am

    Re: Church-What Church, Dallas got what it always dreamed of: a big empty building well off the beaten path
    so as not to be bothered by any riff raff. I well remember back in the early 90′ s when Diana Hubbard, Ron’s own daughter, then head of Div 6 Int ordered all orgs and missions to drive in 100 new people in per day. Just go out and get em in. Well, at that time, Dallas was a ” celebrity center” (yes, I know) so they weren’t going to lower themselves to this. That order fizzled out in 2 days with the staff from the top down. They treated it with a yawn as well as distain. They’d much rather attend business seminars like the one mentioned, where local business big wigs (who have been at this for decades)can come tell them how to make Money,Money,Money. (not that any of the poor attendees ever did.)
    Oh, and remain somewhat unapproachable as well. Well, this part they already had down.

    Reply
  4. Gus Cox says

    September 29, 2016 at 8:48 pm

    Well, there it is. I’d say that list is pretty much all of the actual, remaining public scientologists in LA (give or take a handful of celebrities not listed). 600 scientologists in all of LA, the Greatest Concentration of Scientologists on Teegeack. 600.

    There are about 4 million people in the city, so that comes to 0.015% (less than 2/100 of 1%) of the population.

    Reply
  5. Ann B Watson says

    September 29, 2016 at 7:01 pm

    I think The Last Stand promo piece is so bad it’s good! Gives a whole new slant on no chicken we promise.in that chick’s place- cold beans perhaps?!And whoever penned the title line must be very OT indeed to see that the cult is on it’s last legs.❤️

    Reply
  6. grathuln says

    September 29, 2016 at 5:01 pm

    Cradle Robbing – more: apparently only, “even vaguely in shape”, I would beg to differ that a) you are the only group in this state and b) I suspect there are groups more than “vaguely in shape” but I admire your honesty in admitting you may only be vaguely in shape, meaning you are not sure you are at all in shape.

    Reply
  7. mreppen1 says

    September 29, 2016 at 4:00 pm

    I see there is no longer an ASHO Day and Fdn, as Sandra Colon (never heard of her) signs off her order as Captain ASHO. That violates LRH orders. Never close and org or combine Day and Fdn. O h well

    Reply
    • Mike Rinder says

      September 29, 2016 at 4:32 pm

      Yeah — it’s become a habit. CC London was shut down and combined into London Org. Been a bunch of others too…

      Reply
      • Cindy says

        September 29, 2016 at 4:44 pm

        Mike, you mention Valley Org was bought in 2009 and still isn’t Ideal. Well it goes back even further. They started regging money for the Valley Ideal Org back in 2001 or 2002, possibly even earlier. So that is about 15 years of no finished product in the area of the largest concentration of Scientologists and OT’s on the planet.

        Reply
        • Newcomer says

          September 30, 2016 at 10:38 am

          What was it El Con said about completing a cycle of action?

          Reply
  8. ScieNAHology says

    September 29, 2016 at 2:33 pm

    That child in the “Clearwater Briefing” poster looks like she’s being pierced through the heart with that branch……

    and the crowd goes wild!

    Reply
  9. I Yawnalot says

    September 29, 2016 at 2:03 pm

    Awww… where’s Michael Chan?? It just isn’t Thursday without Michael!
    Oh OK… I guess Stephen Epstein will have to do. He’s a fresh looking guy, looks like he just got out of the shower, squeaky clean and all but always eager & ready to take your money with a lick and a promise. It appears he’s already grown accustom to his lifestyle living off Scioland commissions. Maybe he’s Michael’s replacement while he holidays in the south of France or off to Italy to pick up his new Maserati?? Who knows, or cares – BRING IT ON STEPHEN! SET ME FREE!!!!

    Reply
  10. Old Surfer Dude says

    September 29, 2016 at 1:02 pm

    Scientology now has TWO Chans now??? Oh,baby! Let’s put ’em in the octagon and find out who is the most powerful! Maybe we can get ’em booked in Vegas! I would such good money to see that.

    Reply
    • I Yawnalot says

      September 29, 2016 at 3:23 pm

      Michael will wipe the floor with him. He’s my hero!

      Reply
      • Old Surfer Dude says

        September 29, 2016 at 7:52 pm

        Sucker! We paid Michael off! So, Michael can cruise throughout the bout!

        Reply
  11. zemooo says

    September 29, 2016 at 12:11 pm

    The Scotland stuff is so freakin funny. So now the Italians have to bail them out? I can see the super duper supper now, Haggis and Spaghetti. Now, what wine do you serve with that? The tongue in cheek history lesson was very lame.

    The Valley stuff is just as hilarious. Even with all the ‘fund matching’ that ‘Her Duchess of whatever’ did, they are still not finished sucking funds out the faithful.

    With all of the ‘Prosperity Seminars’ they are throwing, they look more like a televangelists dream. Or an Amway District meeting where they just sell stuff to each other.

    The ‘Strategic Alliance’ crap has been going on for some time. The first one I noticed was between Cambridge Ontario and Buffalo NY. It seems they needed to save Buffalo and now that ‘alliance’ includes Toronto. Add Scotland and Italy and anyone else who is willing to send money Scotlands way and you to can have an ‘Alliance’. Also add in every Southern California mOrg to the mix who are being pushed to fund not only their personal mOrg, but to push Valley over the top too.

    Each and every minion is now being hit on multiple fronts. Donate to the IAS, CCHR, WTH, NarCONon, their local mOrg and every mOrg around them plus Scotland and Xenu alone knows where else.

    The only ones ‘progressing’ on the Bridge are the commission earning regs and all the special ‘guests’ that do the tent revival tour. When will the well run dry?

    Reply
    • RMycroft says

      October 1, 2016 at 1:01 pm

      Cambridge is the new Toronto. To open that Ideal Org, they killed the Kitchener Org, and gutted the Toronto one (some little office hidden above a Starbucks).

      Reply
  12. roger hornaday says

    September 29, 2016 at 11:36 am

    Stephen Epstein has the way for you to generate more ‘energy’ so you can “get your bridge DONE in less time”.

    Does that mean getting up to OTVIII in less than forty years?

    Reply
  13. Space cootie on Sherman's shoulder says

    September 29, 2016 at 11:34 am

    Love that Vietnam memorial stone.

    Sucker stone?
    Monumental Stupidity stone?

    Reply
  14. Space cootie on Sherman's shoulder says

    September 29, 2016 at 11:30 am

    when you go through the funnies what does it remind you of?

    An rug store going out of business sale.
    A regional MLM MHW(Magic Healing Water) convention.
    A yearly office party for postal clerks?
    A 1995 ad campain of a body building supplemets seller?

    Reply
    • I Yawnalot says

      September 29, 2016 at 2:10 pm

      It’s like a history lesson in Herbal Life.

      Reply
      • I Yawnalot says

        September 29, 2016 at 2:11 pm

        Tupperware?

        Reply
        • Old Surfer Dude says

          September 29, 2016 at 3:28 pm

          Amway?

          Reply
          • Espiando says

            September 29, 2016 at 6:52 pm

            I once audited a place that packaged “nutritional supplements” for an MLM. Essentially, they got the “supplement” in thousand-pound sacks, then put them in bottles of thirty-day supplies. The plant people told me how much the MLM charges for those thirty-day supplies, and I almost shit a brick. They make prescription drug companies look like amateurs.

            So, yeah, Scientology definitely reminds me of an MLM.

            Reply
  15. ForLease says

    September 29, 2016 at 11:26 am

    “Let’s put our attention on donate!!! donate!!! donate!!! and get others to donate!”

    Is their attention ever anywhere else?

    Reply
    • Old Surfer Dude says

      September 29, 2016 at 1:07 pm

      Nope! You’re right on the money! I would just add, donate NOW, donate NOW, donate NOW.

      Reply
  16. Mike Wynski says

    September 29, 2016 at 11:05 am

    According to Stephen Epstein the CoS is now accepting energy in exchange for delivering the “bridge”. How many watts for how many intensives?

    Reply
    • Old Surfer Dude says

      September 29, 2016 at 1:10 pm

      Watts wrong with these people?

      Reply
      • Mike Wynski says

        September 29, 2016 at 2:43 pm

        Don’t they have an “org” in Watts?

        Reply
        • Old Surfer Dude says

          September 29, 2016 at 3:29 pm

          Inglewood. Very close though.

          Reply
      • I Yawnalot says

        September 29, 2016 at 3:42 pm

        They come from Wattsonia. You know, the Wattsonian Institute for Higher Awareness, that’s where the watts flow from, very intense!

        Reply
        • Old Surfer Dude says

          September 29, 2016 at 7:55 pm

          I’m feeling it!!! I’m feeling it!! Whoops! Not feeling it anymore…

          Reply
  17. visitor says

    September 29, 2016 at 10:39 am

    The graduation for 5 orgs combined cannot draw a crowd – because so few are taking classes, and no one wants to go to the org as they will be attacked by greedy registrars. Sacramento cancels a Slavewinds (Freewinds) program due to lack of interest. This is not 47X expansion, it is the death rattle of the criminal cult of Scientology. Scientology is shrinking, rapidly. Over the next few years, will COB Captain David Miscavige keep the EMPTY orgs open, or start shutting them down and selling the real estate?

    Reply
    • Newcomer says

      September 29, 2016 at 3:43 pm

      He will have to keep them open enough to at least have staff to do minimal maintenance. Unoccupied buildings have a way of losing value fast. After the upcoming economic unwind gets underway in earnest He won’t be able to give them away.

      Too bad Sac Org doesn’t have any parking around the building. They could have at least made some money renting spaces for the new stadium. As it is, they rave to rent space in nearby parking garages for staff. Great planning guys and gals!

      I say turn the place back into a hotel and rent space to staff.

      Reply
  18. john johnson says

    September 29, 2016 at 10:27 am

    What really happened: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scotland_during_the_Roman_Empire The Romans did engage in skirmishes with the Picts who as I recall went into battle covered only with blue paint Kilts hadn’t been invented yet. Most of the present day Scottish population are likely descended from viking invaders 500 years or so AFTER the Romans left the area.

    Reply
    • Old Surfer Dude says

      September 29, 2016 at 1:12 pm

      We went into battle with blue paint…and, we were naked.

      Reply
      • I Yawnalot says

        September 29, 2016 at 3:27 pm

        Gives a whole new meaning to, “Fuck ’em!”

        Reply
        • Old Surfer Dude says

          September 29, 2016 at 7:57 pm

          Laughter! Now that’s some funny shit!

          Reply
          • I Yawnalot says

            September 30, 2016 at 2:19 am

            That’s where the term, “catch me if you can,” comes from. There’s more to the Scottish Highlands that just Heather you know… Bonnie lass that she was.

            Reply
    • Espiando says

      September 29, 2016 at 7:00 pm

      A number of years ago, Julian Richards of Meet The Ancestors fame did a six-part special for Auntie Beeb called Blood Of The Vikings, focusing on the genetic contribution that the Vikings made to Britain. They did a mass DNA test of male Brits who had a steady historic residence in an area (going back four generations minimum, I think). They found heavy-duty genetic markers characteristic of Norwegians in areas of Scotland that, historically, were “more Viking” (like Orkney and Shetland), but nothing really significant on a statistical level in general.

      So, the image of Vikings humping like rabbits once they were away from their Norse beauties at home really didn’t pan out.

      As for the Romans, I think Frankie Boyle’s line is pretty close to the truth: “The Romans went along through the world. Conquer and civilize, conquer and civilize, conquer and civilize. They got to Scotland…’Eh, build a wall.'”

      Reply
      • gtsix says

        September 30, 2016 at 9:41 am

        I like that Boyle quote, but I’d amend it slightly:

        “The Romans went along through the world. Conquer or genocide”

        Reply
  19. Murray Luther says

    September 29, 2016 at 10:27 am

    What’s up with those Scots? They seem to have a fixation with whole track dramatization. Looks a little squirrelly to me. Someone must have forgotten to say “return to present time.”

    Reply
    • Old Surfer Dude says

      September 29, 2016 at 1:13 pm

      As a Scotsman, I’m embarrassed for my kin folk.

      Reply
      • I Yawnalot says

        September 29, 2016 at 2:18 pm

        You really need to have a stern word with them Dude!

        Reply
        • Old Surfer Dude says

          September 29, 2016 at 3:32 pm

          If I did, he might start crying. And Scotsmen never, ever cry…

          Reply
  20. Space cootie on Sherman's shoulder says

    September 29, 2016 at 8:56 am

    Valley about 600 “confirms”.Who wants to guess how many will show?

    Reply
    • Old Surfer Dude says

      September 29, 2016 at 1:15 pm

      I’m thinking……….13.

      Reply
      • Newcomer says

        September 29, 2016 at 3:46 pm

        Way too high!

        Reply
  21. Wognited and Out! says

    September 29, 2016 at 8:51 am

    Look who is NOT coming ….(too many names to post – the list would go on for eternity).

    Reply
    • I Yawnalot says

      September 29, 2016 at 2:16 pm

      It’d bottleneck on the porch. Also, it’s anyone with access to Google!

      Reply
      • Old Surfer Dude says

        September 29, 2016 at 3:35 pm

        Are you takin’ bout MY front porch of eternity? I cleaned it up in case any of posters want to stop by….

        Reply
        • I Yawnalot says

          September 29, 2016 at 5:52 pm

          Oh yes, are you providing tea and scones? I’ll bring whipped cream & strawberry’s. What fun we’ll have watching all those as-ises march off into eternity. Like sand through the hour glass…

          Reply
          • Old Surfer Dude says

            September 29, 2016 at 8:03 pm

            …so are the days of our lives. The bar is full as well as the pantry! Come as you are! My Front Porch of Eternity is open and ready to party!!

            (Not responsible for damage by BTs)

            Reply
            • I Yawnalot says

              September 30, 2016 at 2:25 am

              Come as I am… well OK… warn you tho, I’m still testing that blue paint!

              Reply
  22. Space cootie on Sherman's shoulder says

    September 29, 2016 at 8:49 am

    Does the Chief of the Grand Clan look like the village idiot to you too?

    Reply
    • Old Surfer Dude says

      September 29, 2016 at 1:18 pm

      As a fellow Scot, I must say he does indeed, look like the village idiot. I almost feel sorry for him……almost.

      Reply
      • I Yawnalot says

        September 29, 2016 at 2:23 pm

        Bung of Id comes to mind. His clan has a dwarf ruler as well. They also have a lawyer and a wizard too. Must be the Church of Id.

        Reply
  23. RMycroft says

    September 29, 2016 at 8:46 am

    Trying to drum up business for St Hill in Ontario, when there’s a white elephant Advanced Org Saint Hill Canada just down the road from the Cambridge Org… (Maybe they confused Cambridge Ontario with Cambridge England?)

    I hope those Saint Hill people have their OT shields up, because there will be unkind thoughts winging their way from Flag and ASHO towards those poachers.

    Reply
  24. lesbates says

    September 29, 2016 at 8:19 am

    When are they going to give up?

    Reply
    • Willie AKA Good Old Boy says

      September 29, 2016 at 12:17 pm

      When the $ stops flowing up to DLHDM. That’s when they are going to give up.

      Reply
    • I Yawnalot says

      September 29, 2016 at 2:25 pm

      Not until the day that I die… (musically presented).

      Reply
      • Old Surfer Dude says

        September 29, 2016 at 3:37 pm

        Where’s my American Pie?

        Reply
        • I Yawnalot says

          September 29, 2016 at 5:53 pm

          Underneath the arches…

          Reply

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