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Thursday Funnies

August 4, 2016 By Mike Rinder 123 Comments

Minions_800_450-1

 

What exactly IS a “timeless moment in whole track history”?

Shermanspeak is even on their posters now…

A

 

10X more BSB

 

 

Flag OT Committee Harlem tourist brochure

FOT FOT1 FOT2 FOT3

Nice comments…

BTW – “gaff” is slang for house. Love the penises on the wall.

Screenshot (50)

 

 

Seasonal fruit display…

A reference to Austin Nickels and Dimes?

Screenshot (958)

 

 

First scientology city…

When?

Never.

Screenshot (958a)

 1 of those select 30 isn’t going to be there for sure…Screenshot (959)

 

 

You’ve heard it from me before…

…this is pretty pathetic. Even the guys doing the begging know they have worn out their welcome.

Screenshot (959a)

 

 

Yur tea

Screenshot (960)

 

 

The ideal train is leaving the station…

They have not yet started construction???

Screenshot (965)

 

 

It’s truly brilliant

What are all those Brits doing at AOSHEU you may ask?

Screenshot (967)

 

 

Do they have any actual Scots?Screenshot (968)

 

 

One time only showing…

…til the next one.

Screenshot (969)

 

 

I love the universe…

…and my aesthetic level is so there.

Screenshot (970)

 

 

Give us your money for anything we can dream up

Screenshot (971)

 

 

Master Chefs unite

Scientology is known for it’s fine culinary tradition. Bring your rice and beans recipes.

Screenshot (972)

 

 

Make money, make more money…

My plan? Get a bunch of FSM Commissions from you suckers. Flag even provides refreshments.

Screenshot (973)

 

 

Just creepy

Screenshot (979)

 

 

They do know he’s dead?

One of the weirdest quotes ever. Written by Hubbard about himself. And now offered up as a reason to do something.

Screenshot (981)

 

 

He is dead guys

He ISNT still aroundScreenshot (981a)

 

So weird…

I have no idea what to say. Perhaps a first.

Screenshot (984)

 

The never ending story…

Tampa CF. Only exceeded by Valley fundraising.

Screenshot (987)

 

 

Mighty My Mammy is back

I wonder if anyone told them he is dead?Screenshot (988)

 

I spoke too soon

Moneywinds back in full form. Even including the FSMs…

Screenshot (989)

 

 

Kids again

This girl is only 6.Screenshot (992)

 

Cowabunga Thetans

Only about 20 years out of date… Then again, they still send telexes.

Screenshot (1000)

 

Six years and nothing changed

Screenshot (1002)

 

Perhaps they should tell Miscavige this…

You know, the bit about the riches.Screenshot (1004)

 

The upcoming release of OT IX and X

Yes, I would LOVE you to call me so I can ask you WHEN.

Screenshot (1005)

 

It’s all happening RIGHT NOW

Sure…

Screenshot (1006)

 

Support your Pro FSM

Help them help themselves to your money

Screenshot (1007)

 

Tough act

Imagine trying to figure out what to say about this.

Screenshot (1009)

 

Right. Floodgates.

I thought SuMP was supposed to be doing that? BTW, whatever happened to that? Not heard a peep. No mass invasion of the airwaves?

Screenshot (1010)

 

The Greand Opening

One time only.Screenshot (1011)

 

Do Not Miss Lord Voldemort

He’s out of this world…

Screenshot (1020)

 

 

Making plenty of FSM Commissions on the Moneywinds

Screenshot (1021)

 

 

Quinn the Eskimo

He is so “commanding”…. This is what “command intention” must be.

VLY

 

And the location?

It’s only 3 weeks away. Not telling?

VLY1

 

It just never seems to be getting anywhere?

How can so many people work so hard for so little result?VLY2

 

Cringe corner

Now that is some serious brown-nosing.

And you know that in their minds the “real” scientologists are muttering that this woman is a dilettante/squirrel with her Jesus Christ stuff. PTS to the middle class too.

Z

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Filed Under: Funnies Tagged With: Church of Scientology, David Miscavige, Flag Service Organization, fundraising, funnies, Ideal Orgs, International Association of Scientologists, public relations, Scientology, Scientology Idle Orgs

Comments

  1. Kevin Bryant says

    August 5, 2016 at 3:19 am

    Hi. I love this site (and Tony Ortega’s of course) I have never been a victim…
    sorry…member of Scientology but reading of it and its effects are a great education.
    Thanks for all those who comment – much laughter!

    Reason for my comment now? Checking if I have learned anything…. Stacy Francis describes her little chum as ‘ chairman of the board of the Church of Scientology ‘ surely he is COB of RTC who are a separate organisation who merely makes sure that the technology that they own is used appropriately by the Scientology religion (allegedly etc) surely he and Scientology have always argued that in court cases etc?
    Keep up the good work!

    PS.. On first viewing I thought it was a picture of Scientology’s only ventriloquist act.

    Reply
    • Ann B Watson says

      August 5, 2016 at 10:30 am

      Hi Mike & all,Getting to one of the classic pieces of cos’s never ending flow of dreck! Hard to pick a starting spot.I think along with the snake bit me in the car wtf? my favorite is bring whiskey and Scottish pies to the Wee Clan Pow Wow.Whoops we were not allowed whiskey at Asho,although I would not have been surprised if some enterprising public could get some some for cash.Only for medicinal purposes of courseXO!

      Reply
  2. Espiando says

    August 4, 2016 at 10:56 pm

    Oh, yeah, I missed this one earlier, and it’s the best one of this week’s bunch. We all know that the cult has absolutely no compunction about violating someone’s copyright or trademark. They ended up doing it again. The most popular cookery competition in the UK is MasterChef. It’s a show where two judges adjudicate between a group of would-be chefs, having given them instructions on what they wanted to see cooked. That sound familiar? Like the whole concept of this bumf? The BBC makes a lot of money licensing the name and format to other countries. Do you think that putting a space in between “Master” and “Chef” would absolve you of guilt, Toads of Saint Hell? No. No, it doesn’t.

    Can someone in the UK forward this little piece of work, along with an explanation, to BBC Worldwide? I’m sure their solicitors will love to contact the cult.

    Reply
  3. Mephisto says

    August 4, 2016 at 10:30 pm

    Slightly off topic: I just realized the meaning of hip, hip, hooray. Hip should be more properly spelled, hyp as in hypnosis. Get it?

    Reply
  4. JustLook! says

    August 4, 2016 at 7:59 pm

    Is it my imagination or do these glossy ads seem tired and unattractive and unappealing?

    Reply
    • Ideal Clear says

      August 4, 2016 at 9:01 pm

      Ads made for dreamers and way over the top towards a Sherman speak ultimate goal of infinity.

      Reply
  5. JennyAtLAX says

    August 4, 2016 at 7:09 pm

    Re: “Master Chef Competition—An exciting new event at the Saint Hill International Arts Festival

    The best two competitors from each of the first two days will then compete in a beans and rice cook-off on Saturday, August 6, in the ever-popular Fart Garden.

    Reply
  6. Outsider says

    August 4, 2016 at 6:53 pm

    All these kids. Is this SOB’s new strategy to bolster the numbers of people “in”? Like cigarette companies. Get ’em in young and hooked before they know any better?

    “Why don’t I simply race to get clear and OT and get off? Well, there is one answer to that: we don’t let our marks walk out while they still have a single cent to their name.”

    “Imagine trying to figure out what to say about this.” How about: “Fuck this music bullshit. We won’t let you out of this room until you write us a check.”

    Reply
  7. exccla says

    August 4, 2016 at 4:58 pm

    I used to like going to events every now and then. But now they have them so often and they try and make every scn.go. ‘its imperative, the future countson you being there.’ Wow-i’d be sick of this shit. I love how they serve food there now. What a rip off ! But i guess its the only way to reg a lot of $$ since people aren’t coming in much for auditing and training. Sad state of affairs.

    Reply
  8. Sunny says

    August 4, 2016 at 4:39 pm

    I wonder how many years (decades?) Quinn Tauffer has been in lower conditions. Probably always under Comm Ev too…. never enough, always the Sea Org members fault. Of course, he still fleeces people.

    And damn, it will be a cold day in hell (or when chicken have teeth, as the French would say) when my child enrolls on any of those crappy courses! No thanks!

    Reply
  9. Stephanie Loving says

    August 4, 2016 at 3:28 pm

    Budapest. One time only. See it here FIRST.
    Do they not get the idiocy of those statements.

    Why would you pair a statement of “one-time only” with see it “first”?
    “See it here FIRST” implies it isn’t one time only but there will be a 2nd, and 3rd, ad nauseum.
    So lame. So sad and tired.

    Reply
  10. Stephanie Loving says

    August 4, 2016 at 3:19 pm

    It’s timeless all right. Timeless because they get no sleep and can’t put together a flyer without grammatical error. “CALL YOU ORG” (you, your and you’re are the most messed up words on their posters)! Clearly they do not CLEAR words.

    Reply
  11. OverTheBridgeTPA says

    August 4, 2016 at 3:10 pm

    I have a question…regarding Ortega’s post today…..if a reporter was to ask an OT VIII if they now posess the power over MEST….what would the answer be?
    Is the standard answer always going to be find out for yourself?
    Thanks….
    ????
    Again…I appreciate you taking time to answer a wogs question.

    Reply
  12. I Yawnalot says

    August 4, 2016 at 2:18 pm

    I thought it was just me becoming more and more bored with Scientology and their flyers but their graphics has time frozen itself. I used to be impressed with Scientology’s overall graphics, but that was the late 80s and the nineties, I was associated with a few sales businesses at that time and noticed such things.
    Now… geezers! The bubble of Scientology has indeed time frozen itself as they try to relive their thieving glory days over and over. Also, what’s really missing is a product. It use to be about auditing & training and the importance of moving on the Bridge etc. Now it’s just meaningless gobblygook set into a format the Photoshop based computer just happens to have set as default. Any idiot can add the appropriate Miscavige authorized themes, typeface etc and bingo – you’re a instant Scientology graphic artist!
    Another really gross outpoint is Miscavige. His clothes and particularly his hair but what really trumps all that and it’s something so obvious he is fighting but can do nothing about is his encroaching age. He’s an badly aging person in diminutive size with lots of visual issues – a true polished turd so to speak. Hubbard was more or less glued into the 50s but Miscavige has been dragged kicking and screaming into the internet era and he really sux at it! It scares the crap out of him and it shows. So much for the masters of communication!
    Fuck off and let the Scientology Organisation die the death it deserves Miscavige, you’ve earned your infamy, now go find the appropriate hole and crawl into it.

    Reply
  13. Espiando says

    August 4, 2016 at 2:03 pm

    “This is a timeless moment in whole track history”…now I’m looking at this from the standpoint of a physicist or mathematician. “Whole track history” is mapped on the time axis in four-dimension Minkowski space. The word “timeless” implies that a point in four-space has no presence on the time dimension. Therefore, the “timeless moment” is non-existent. Therefore, the Shermanspeak means nothing in more than one way. Yes, we already knew this, but now there’s mathematical proof.

    So, is it 10x expansion, 47x expansion, or 60x expansion? Make up your minds, will you? And if it is 47x or 60x, Atlanta is slacking big-time. Maybe it’s the summer weather. Georgia is said to bear a resemblance in summer to hell.

    (Yes, I have an audit in Georgia in a couple of weeks. Why do you ask? Oh, and speaking of that, Les B, you were stationed at Benning and I’m headed to Columbus. Is there anything to do there at all?)

    The format, style, and even the fonts on Kaye Sparkling Wine’s Harlem travel promo are identical to the Spartacus International Gay Guide, the Fodor’s for sodomites like me. Was the resemblance intentional?

    If that “Sunday menu” with Austin Nickles was hauled out at a barbecue, the guests would think that the hosts were tight-ass cheapwads who makes Scots look generous. The Sunday din-din was probably BYOB too, the bastards.

    Has anyone asked Portland if they want to be the “first Scientology city”? I’d hate to hear the answer.

    Jeremy is a very lonely, lonely man up there in the First Scientology City. He has “really important news” to tell people, but he can’t get people to come because the well’s been poisoned with really important news events that turned out to be reg-fests. So he has to resort to offering food. Unfortunately, he’s forgotten his Emily Post. You don’t offer a “small dinner” and tell everyone it’s exclusive by inviting thirty people. That would be a rather large dinner event. Jeremy may think that the scale is appropriate for the news that he wants to deliver, but the news would have to be very great indeed to justify the number of guests and the hype. In any case, the cult has screwed up their orders of magnitude yet again, and poor Jeremy has to pay the price. Next time you hype, think of sad, pathetic Jeremy up in Portland, and restrain yourselves.

    You may think that HAPI has sunk as low as possible by doing their kiddie porn promos. No, they can sink lower. From the pastels and text, it’s now apparent that HAPI has joined in the rest of the UK in the celebration of Beatrix Potter’s 150th birthday (seriously, there are literary salons, television specials, and stamps with a Beatrix Potter theme in the UK this year). Peter Rabbit should claw the eyes out of the SOB who designed this promo. Again, HAPI, more Fearless Leader and his twink boyfriend, less Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cottontail.

    So, Mighty My Mammy moved their voluminous files into their Idle Morgue before internal construction began? In what world does this make sense? You move the files in after construction has finished. For your act of blatant stupidity, you deserve no help, My Mammy. Move the fuckers yourself.

    Gee, Mike, don’t be so hard on Brits going to Denmark instead of wandering the wastes of Sussex for their OT training. Copenhagen is a beautiful city, there’s the Little Mermaid statue and Legoland, etc. But we all know what the OTs went there for: hardcore porn. Nobody does it better than the Danish. Of course, the closest Scientology will come to that is a copy of Dianetics that’s leather-bound.

    And this week’s contestant on “What Kind Of Drugs Are They On” is Valerie Fahren. I’m putting my money on blond hash and two tabs of E. Same with you, Caralyn Percy.

    We all know why Las Vegas is promoting the whole Scientology Kids thing: you drop the little bastards off at the Morgue with Learning How To Learn or whatever course, then you go and hit the casinos. That’s what my parents did with me when we visited Las Vegas when I was six. Except for the whole Scientology thing, of course.

    Santa Barbara Org, do you know no shame? Sammy Griner, the Fist Pump Kid, is now ten years old and will kick you in the goolies for using his pic in this way. Apologize to him. Now.

    I might be doing an extended consultancy in the LA area soon (I’ve actually been in LA since Monday, but I’ve been busy). If that’s the case, I’m definitely taking a tour of the Morgues to see if Santa Barbara, Pasadena, and the Complex are as bad as people have said. I’ll have time to waste for a change. Shame I won’t be in town for the Valley Summer Gala. Unless they decide to hold it in Chicago, which is extremely possible given the fact that they haven’t set the location yet.

    “L. Ron Hubbard, Music Maker”…we’ve all heard “Thank You For Listening” and delved into “Power Of Source”. Any resemblance of those to music is circumstantial at best. Or since Annie Broeker was never declared, is the Arp Cola story still Scientology canon? Are they going to drag that out of mothballs for the audience in Phoenix? How is the audience going to keep from laughing?

    So Friendship Day is Sunday, and the lesson is “Are you a friend of yours?” I guess I need to show me on Sunday that I’m a friend of mine. So, what do I do? Take me out for a surprise dinner? Nah, I’ll still have to do my laundry from the LA trip. Share a nice bottle of wine in front of a roaring fire? I’ve got the wine, but fire and air conditioning don’t go together. Well, I guess there’s only one thing I can do. I can’t mention it, because Mike freaks out when I say things like that.

    “Budapest Greand Opening”…again, Mike freaks out if I start making references to Hungary being the gay porn capital of Europe.

    Emmett Osborn = Wacky Neighbor In 80s Family Sitcom. Once you see it, you cannot unsee it.

    Stacy Francis, you lucky woman, you. No, not because you met the Toxic Dwarf (who looks like a cardboard cutout in that photo), but because Jesus preached love toward whores like you. So, following your precepts, we can’t stone you to death. But we can make fun of you, and we are, Gladys Nut.

    I’ll be sure to save some room for Regraded Being tomorrow. I’ll need something to cheer me up while waiting for my flight back at LAX. Unless Jenny shows up, of course.

    Reply
    • lesbates says

      August 4, 2016 at 4:38 pm

      Espiando,

      I was stationed at Fort Benning in the early 80’s, The last time went down to Columbus (2000) the store that sold used books and comic books had been converted to a Subway restaurant but the strip club next door was still there.

      Reply
    • Terra Cognita says

      August 4, 2016 at 5:13 pm

      Espiando: It’s annual Fiesta in Santa Barbara this week with literally thousands and thousands of drunk locals and tourists staggering up and down State Street right in front of the Org. Friday is the big parade. Parking will be a bitch.
      Believe me, the org is a morgue. The average age of those still left exceeds sixty. It’s hard to imagine anyone seeing the place and wanting to do a service there. It’s on its last legs, for sure.

      Reply
    • JennyAtLAX says

      August 4, 2016 at 7:53 pm

      Espiando: “I’ll need something to cheer me up while waiting for my flight back at LAX. Unless Jenny shows up, of course.”

      “Stop committing suppressive acts, full time suppressive acts, full time. Unbelievable. Just end it. Go live a life. Why don’t you get a life, Espiando. Just get a life. You’ve had zero effect, none. And nobody gives a fuck about you. That’s the truth.

      “Nobody has even noticed you’re gone man. You’re nothing. That’s the point. You’re nothing.

      “Brilliant. Your TRs are brilliant. Why don’t you just stop committing suppressive acts and live a real life. What are you doing in LA anyway? What are you doing in LA? Why are you here?

      “Why don’t you just end it. And start living a decent life and do something to help mankind. Cause you do nothing to help mankind. You are embarrassing and pathetic. Pathetic. It’s disgusting and it’s all over your face and you look terrible.

      “Wow! What a loser. What a loser. “It’s embarrassing. Why don’t you do something with your life. You’re an embarrassment. An embarrassment to the fact that you were ever, ever connected to us. You have zero facts.

      “It’s unbelievable. “Wow. Embarrassing, humiliating, disgusting. An absolute embarrassment that you were ever connected. You have no facts. Nobody cares. Nobody’s interested. You’ve done nothing. It’s a God damned joke. No one gives a crap. OK?

      “We’ve moved on. We have moved on and the church has been better.”

      http://lybio.net/scientology-what-a-pathetic-individual/news-politics/

      Reply
      • Mephisto says

        August 4, 2016 at 9:06 pm

        Jenny is probably the only woman in the world I would feel okay about punching out.

        Reply
  14. Jose Chung says

    August 4, 2016 at 12:55 pm

    Stacy Francis keeps the COB from floating away !

    Reply
  15. Graham says

    August 4, 2016 at 12:07 pm

    Re the UK flyer: “Take a look at this newsletter. I guarantee there are some people you know in it” As there are fewer than 3k Scientologists in the whole of the UK I can well believe that. If they’re regularly seeing the same old faces, is that not telling them something?

    Reply
  16. Class XXV with bells and whistles says

    August 4, 2016 at 11:33 am

    Let me interprete what Jeremy is saying and the Portland field knows:
    I just got back from doing some OT levels at AOLA and man do I have bills to pay! As most of you know, that statute of limitations regarding my illegal banking activities with church paritioners occurred and I was allowed to do OT levels. It cost me a pretty penny and I also need to keep my wife on OT7 at Flag. I don’t want to have my father-in-law, David Morse to have to cover that so the whopping BIG NEWS is I need for you select people to show up and shell out!! You are all awesome powerful beings!! Love, Jeremy

    Reply
    • Class XXV with bells and whistles says

      August 4, 2016 at 2:02 pm

      Oh, forgot to mention why you are the select few. Those young MAAs at Flag and the ship have been declaring our biggest whales. We can out create the downsizing of our field. Love again, Jeremy

      Reply
  17. Martha Greene says

    August 4, 2016 at 11:19 am

    The last pick looks like a cut out of dm. No one would put their hands on him.

    Reply
    • Mephisto says

      August 4, 2016 at 12:12 pm

      I don’t know, I’d like to get my hands on him.

      Reply
      • Old Surfer Dude says

        August 4, 2016 at 2:07 pm

        Get behind me, Mephisto! And, no cutting in line!

        Reply
        • Mephisto says

          August 4, 2016 at 5:51 pm

          Be my guest!

          Reply
        • I Yawnalot says

          August 4, 2016 at 6:16 pm

          Aw come on… I’ve waited a long time to feel the “crunch!”
          How much to look the other way? I won’t be long.

          Reply
          • Old Surfer Dude says

            August 4, 2016 at 7:53 pm

            I don’t know…a great bottle of merlot?

            Reply
            • I Yawnalot says

              August 5, 2016 at 3:54 am

              One bottle of almost brilliant Merlot, plus a nice but mature Cab Sav & I’ll throw in a couple of beers. No forgetting you’ll earn a Christmas card for the next 5 years.
              Best I can do on short notice – oh yeah, a Hersey bar but it’s a bit soft.
              PS some nice close up shots of my best work.

              Reply
  18. Jennifer says

    August 4, 2016 at 10:58 am

    “And you don’t want your planet and your friends on your conscience.”

    This mind screw is what kept me afraid to leave. I cannot believe that I fell for this. I thought that if I just stuck with them that I would be safe and if I didn’t that the weight of the world, literally, was on my shoulders. It was flung at me constantly in LA. Now I realize that this is one of the characteristics of a cult. Fear of the world outside the safety of the group. Now I just fear the world INSIDE and I am horrified at the thought of what my life would be like had I not woke up. Thank you Mike and commentors, again and again, for being here. 🙂

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      August 4, 2016 at 11:05 am

      PS…I have been out 9 months and I am happier than I’ve ever been and my friends all forgive me for bailing on their eternity! LOL

      Reply
      • Old Surfer Dude says

        August 4, 2016 at 2:09 pm

        Good for you, Jennifer!

        Reply
      • clearlypissedoff says

        August 4, 2016 at 3:23 pm

        Glad you got out Jennifer! How long were you in? Were you in the SO or just public?

        Reply
        • Jennifer says

          August 4, 2016 at 4:33 pm

          Hi clearlypissedoff…I was a public for 25 years. I agreed to join staff and was sent for training and that is where I realized I did not want this.

          Reply
          • Old Surfer Dude says

            August 4, 2016 at 7:54 pm

            LOL! Yep, that’s usually what happens…

            Reply
      • I Yawnalot says

        August 4, 2016 at 6:19 pm

        It’s all smoke and mirrors hey?

        Reply
    • Mephisto says

      August 4, 2016 at 12:09 pm

      As if Scientology had any control of one’s eternity. Playing God. What an epic crock of shit.

      Reply
  19. Ann says

    August 4, 2016 at 10:57 am

    Mike, based on your past personal experience, how would you think Miscavage feels about someone hanging onto him like Stacy Francis is doing? He doesn’t seem like a person that would invite that type of intimacy.
    I especially hate the lie Stacy has been fed about being a Christian (i.e. Jesus is her lord and savior) and also believing in the tenets of Scientology (Jesus story is an implant).Thanks! Ann

    Reply
    • Mike Rinder says

      August 4, 2016 at 12:42 pm

      Given the circumstances, I suspect he had no option. With the biggest non-caucasian celebrities present being Chili B and Doug E Fresh, Stacy Francis suddenly became a very big fish in an extremely small pond. She no doubt inveigled her way to an “audience” and then in front of others asked for a shot and the ever-gracious Mr. Miscavige had no option but to strike a happy pose. I am sure he was seriously pissed when he saw this on FB. Makes him look tiny… And foolish.

      Reply
      • Mephisto says

        August 4, 2016 at 12:45 pm

        Poor Dave. The sacrifices one has to make being the biggest ecclesiastical leader on the planet.

        Reply
      • Cindy says

        August 4, 2016 at 2:23 pm

        Yes, as narcissistic and into his looks as he is, this picture with Stacy Francis makes him look small and slight and she just overwhelms him. Not a pose he would have chosen for sure.

        Reply
        • Mephisto says

          August 4, 2016 at 3:07 pm

          Yeah, but about that smile?!

          Reply
          • I Yawnalot says

            August 4, 2016 at 6:21 pm

            Reminds me of the smile Heath Ledger had painted on in Batman.

            Reply
            • Mephisto says

              August 4, 2016 at 7:00 pm

              At least The Joker had a sense of humor. I’m sure staff are thinking to themselves about Dave: Why so serious?

              Reply
              • Old Surfer Dude says

                August 4, 2016 at 9:27 pm

                Sounds like he needs an ennama…

              • Mephisto says

                August 4, 2016 at 9:39 pm

                No, I’m afraid that would just increase the amount of Shermanshit oozing out of his orifice.

              • Old Surfer Dude says

                August 5, 2016 at 11:27 am

                I stand corrected.

  20. Joe Pendleton says

    August 4, 2016 at 10:36 am

    OK Jeremy … so first it was to the select Portland 30 … and then it’s for EVERYONE and they really MUST attend …. BUT … you used the world “briefing” more than once … and Scientologists who don’t know what that word means are COMPLETELY senile by now and I know you are definitely hoping to get a few who attendees can still walk and drive and stay awake during the day … because if you don’t just want donations for something (and it doesn’t look like you do in this “briefing”) … that means it can only be ONE other thing you want for the next level of expansion … STAFF MEMBERS! And no doubt you’re ready to hit every button as hard that you can to drive a few down the tone scale to total self abnegation and contract signing.

    But Jeremy … I know that you’ll do the spiel on needing to fully staff your “ideal org” to pull in the thousands that are just waiting to be contacted in Portland … but why don’t you try to actually get some public INTO the org as your first level of activity? Wouldn’t that be most appropriate if you really applied the conditions through Emergency?

    … but then again, Jeremy, we know why you can’t get the public in, now don’t we?

    Reply
    • thegman77 says

      August 4, 2016 at 3:31 pm

      Emergency? Seems much more like Non Existent. I doubt that applying ANY condition will move anyone in Portland to drop by.

      Reply
      • Terra Cognita says

        August 4, 2016 at 5:17 pm

        thegman77: Non Existence? Confusion.

        Reply
        • Mephisto says

          August 4, 2016 at 5:47 pm

          Condition of Deception. Only one step – Find out who Ron really was.

          Reply
          • Mike Wynski says

            August 4, 2016 at 7:12 pm

            Mephisto, Post o’ the Day!

            Reply
            • Mephisto says

              August 4, 2016 at 9:13 pm

              Thanks Mike. I applied the formula and can now say I’m in a much higher condition. This tech works!

              Reply
          • Old Surfer Dude says

            August 4, 2016 at 9:29 pm

            +1! Nice!

            Reply
        • Joe Pendleton says

          August 4, 2016 at 8:37 pm

          I meant that you’d at least have to establish some REAL communication with the public and find and what they need and want before you’d have ANY hope or prayer of luring them in – and I guarantee that what the public DOESN’T need and want is to be interrogated upon entering an org or to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for increased spiritual awareness (except in Harlem of course where the residents have been waiting for just such an opportunity for decades).

          Reply
          • Mephisto says

            August 4, 2016 at 9:12 pm

            Did Ron consider Jesus an implant because he didn’t reg his followers?

            Reply
  21. Xenu's son says

    August 4, 2016 at 10:30 am

    The presence of Austin Nichols the ” most amazing coach of the universe” on the Internet is on par with the presence of OT’s in the universe.An infinity of 0.Ops I mean a true static.

    Reply
  22. Cre8tivewmn says

    August 4, 2016 at 10:26 am

    Ah the snake excuse. If I had a dollar for every time that’s hsppened…I’d have, well, no dollars.

    But I was on a DUI trial jury where the good old boy said he swerved the car because he dropped his lit cigarette on the carpet and was afraid of a fire…

    Reply
    • Mephisto says

      August 4, 2016 at 12:18 pm

      He let the snake drive the car and it slithered all over the road. Your honor, I rest my case.

      Reply
  23. Xenu's son says

    August 4, 2016 at 10:14 am

    Of topic?
    DEAR SIR, I am Prince Kufour Otumfuo the elder son of the late King Otumfuo Opoku ware II whose demise occur following a brief illness. Before the death of my father, King Otumfuo Opoku ware II, I was authorised and officially known as the next successor and beneficiary of my father’s property according to African Traditional rite.

    BBC News:Aug 1, 2016‎ The head of an international criminal network behind thousands of online fraud cases has been arrested in Nigeria. 
    The “Nigerian Prince”, a 40-year-old man known as ‘Mike’, has scammed hundreds of gullible victims for profits totalling more than $60 million (€53.6 million).

    Reply
    • Ann says

      August 4, 2016 at 11:13 am

      Dear Xenu’s son,
      Do not publish lies about the beloved Nigerian Prince. Bitter and jealous ex-members of an American Church are jealous of the amazing tech he has learned from his most honorable “great white brother” whose ecclesiastical name is COB. The prince and teacher COB have engaged in honorable works to save the people of this planet. Such work is expensive and needs to be supported.
      I believe BBC is a racist organization that does not like to see the black man empowered. If you are not a racist, then send continued financial support to our dear Prince and teacher COB. The higher the donation, the more you will be cleansed of the evil in your bigoted WOG hate filled heart. Stop the lies.
      PS. If you believe I am being coerced to send this, rest assured, I am making my 10% profit for ever donation sent. ML from an anonymous being who has no connection to Scientology.

      Reply
      • Studius Judius says

        August 4, 2016 at 12:28 pm

        I thought BBC stood for… nevermind.

        Reply
      • justmeteehee says

        August 4, 2016 at 3:15 pm

        Giggle!!

        Reply
  24. Interested Party says

    August 4, 2016 at 10:12 am

    You know there is a surefire way of ensuring a huge attendance to see the Budapest opening. Who amongst us would not go to cheer a good video clip of the “shit hitting the clam” as someone so amusingly commented recently?

    I’d even make a donation to see that. Well perhaps not a donation but I’d definitely get behind promoting the event like no public has ever done before.

    Reply
  25. Jose Chung says

    August 4, 2016 at 10:11 am

    The Big girl hanging on the COB.
    Some how not the new Ozzje and Harriet.

    Reply
    • Jose Chung says

      August 4, 2016 at 10:13 am

      typo. Ozzie

      Reply
  26. glenn horner says

    August 4, 2016 at 10:10 am

    Valerie Fahren’s suckess story reminds me exactly of what I gained from my first toke on a marijuana cigarette. I mean that is EXACTLY what I experienced too. But I only paid $2.50 for the trip and I am totally certain Valerie paid more like 2.5 million. I’ve seen OT8s with all sorts of problems (marital, financial and serious medical conditions) so know it ain’t worth the cost or the trip.

    Reply
    • Scott Henderson says

      August 4, 2016 at 11:50 am

      Valerie stated “she loves the universe”. Well Val I love the universe as much as anyone – except Rigel, which in my experience is crowded, noisy and rude as hell, much like NYC – but I don’t feel the need to plaster an unflattering picture of my mug on a PR piece that ends every other sentence with an exclamation point.

      For an additional 1 million do I get to choose which artistically challenged numbnut designs my success poster?

      Reply
  27. Mephisto says

    August 4, 2016 at 9:51 am

    Snakes and the way to happiness, status and spiritual freedom, David Miscavige and helping others. Yeah, it all makes sense.

    Reply
    • Old Surfer Dude says

      August 4, 2016 at 7:59 pm

      That’s like an interesting acid trip…

      Reply
      • Mephisto says

        August 4, 2016 at 9:09 pm

        A bad one.

        Reply
  28. McCarran says

    August 4, 2016 at 9:50 am

    Stacy Francis. Wow! Dave has GOT to hate that picture. He looks so teenie tiny next to her. I had no idea she was so big. 😉

    Panic abounds I guess when you read/hear Nancy Cartwright “speaking out” about the “lie” of Going Clear and Stacy Francis speaking out about how great david miscavige is.

    I am wondering: Do these people know how cringe-worthy stupid they look? Is the threat of ethics actions so great that they put their integrity (Nancy, I mean REAL “integrity”) on the line and just say “How Far” when david miscavige says, “Frog?”

    Reply
    • Mary Smith says

      August 4, 2016 at 10:45 am

      Yes, Nancy Cartwright’s little speech was embarrassing (USA Today yesterday). She said nothing but rambled on for 2-3 minutes. Amazing how someone like this can ignore all the facts and the news. I bet she didn’t even watch the movie.

      Reply
      • McCarran says

        August 4, 2016 at 2:12 pm

        Absolutely not – nor read the book or any other book or comment that is “entheta.”
        Question for Bart: “What exactly are the “lies” in Going Clear and how did it/they invalidate the good you have done?”

        Reply
      • Old Surfer Dude says

        August 4, 2016 at 2:16 pm

        Of course, she never read the book, nor did she see the movie. So she does not know what she’s talking about. She must have a Kool-Aid IV. I understand all the celebs are doing it now. And…they get case gain from it.

        Reply
        • Mephisto says

          August 4, 2016 at 2:57 pm

          Drip, Drip, Drip…

          Reply
          • Old Surfer Dude says

            August 4, 2016 at 8:01 pm

            Exactly!

            Reply
            • Mephisto says

              August 4, 2016 at 9:08 pm

              How about a piñata made up like Dave the donkey?

              Reply
              • Old Surfer Dude says

                August 5, 2016 at 11:29 am

                I’d pay good money to shred that piñata…

              • Mephisto says

                August 5, 2016 at 11:37 am

                Stand in line. I’ve already pre-sold 100 tickets.

        • I Yawnalot says

          August 4, 2016 at 6:29 pm

          Too busy word clearing to actually read anything.
          I remember something Elvis once said to a question about something in current affairs, “how would I know? I’m just an entertainer.”
          Nancy is just a silly voice with a head full of David Miscavige.

          Reply
          • Mephisto says

            August 4, 2016 at 7:01 pm

            Did you mean a head full of cabbage?

            Reply
            • I Yawnalot says

              August 5, 2016 at 4:05 am

              Is there a noticeable difference?
              However, why be unkind to a vegetable?

              Reply
              • Mephisto says

                August 5, 2016 at 9:36 am

                My apologies to that kingdom.

    • Studius Judius says

      August 4, 2016 at 11:13 am

      I swear that looks like a cardboard cutout of Dave. I guess there really isn’t much difference between the two when you really think about it.

      Reply
      • McCarran says

        August 4, 2016 at 2:09 pm

        …except a cardboard cutout has more in it.

        Reply
        • McCarran says

          August 4, 2016 at 2:10 pm

          …more LIFE in it.

          Reply
      • Old Surfer Dude says

        August 4, 2016 at 2:17 pm

        The cardboard cutout is taller…

        Reply
        • Mephisto says

          August 4, 2016 at 3:05 pm

          What do you expect from a paper tiger?

          Reply
          • I Yawnalot says

            August 4, 2016 at 6:31 pm

            Silverfish

            Reply
            • Mephisto says

              August 4, 2016 at 7:02 pm

              ?

              Reply
  29. hgc10 says

    August 4, 2016 at 9:48 am

    What’s with that weird-ass pose where LRH points at his nose with his middle finger? I tried that pose just now, and it feels very unnatural. I’m starting to think that mankind’s greatest friend was just a little bit nutty.

    Reply
    • thegman77 says

      August 4, 2016 at 3:37 pm

      A “little bit?” Surely, you jest!

      Reply
  30. Harvey says

    August 4, 2016 at 9:18 am

    Captain Miscavige,

    I need not remind you today is Thursday.

    I expect improvement in the following stats:

    Staff Beatings
    Disconnection Orders
    Families Harmed
    Families Totally Destroyed
    IAS Slush Fund Donations
    Hair Height

    Reply
    • alcoboy says

      August 4, 2016 at 10:17 am

      All of these stats will be where they always are: Affluence going into Power.

      Reply
    • lesbates says

      August 4, 2016 at 12:00 pm

      Seriously, can his hair get any higher?

      Reply
      • I Yawnalot says

        August 4, 2016 at 6:33 pm

        Makes ya dizzy just looking at it.

        Reply
  31. Mike Wynski says

    August 4, 2016 at 9:13 am

    What exactly IS a “timeless moment in whole [time] track history”?

    Logically, that would be a moment that did NOT happen. 😉

    Reply
    • 1984 says

      August 4, 2016 at 3:52 pm

      Well it must have been mind-numbing, for them to spell “your” wrong.

      Reply
  32. lesbates says

    August 4, 2016 at 8:51 am

    Timeless moment–is that like having a stopped clock? I’ve had several stopped clocks and it’s not a good thing.

    Reply
  33. Scream Nevermore says

    August 4, 2016 at 8:44 am

    Off to Twitter to point out to the [email protected] at HAPI that Scotch whiskey is spelt thus. There is no ‘E’ in it. So, pretty sure there are no Scots working there!

    Reply
    • I Yawnalot says

      August 4, 2016 at 7:12 pm

      You are correct, to a degree.
      The Scots spell it whisky and the Irish spell it whiskey, with an extra ‘e’. This difference in the spelling comes from the translations of the word from the Scottish and Irish Gaelic forms. Whiskey with the extra ‘e’ is also used when referring to American whiskies.
      A subject close to my heart (should read liver). However, like most things of the numbing kind, many variations exist, so some would disagree with whatever. Just as long as there’s enough is the important bit.

      Reply
      • Gus Cox says

        August 4, 2016 at 10:15 pm

        Thanks for the reminder to check my stock before tomorrow (Friday).

        Reply
        • I Yawnalot says

          August 5, 2016 at 4:19 am

          “Weekends are precious,” said in the mode of the Lord of the rings.

          Reply
  34. Wognited and Out! says

    August 4, 2016 at 8:38 am

    I don’t think Jesus would approve of that dress length…just sayin….

    TMI

    Reply
    • alcoboy says

      August 4, 2016 at 10:19 am

      I don’t think that Jesus would approve of her posing for a picture with the Dwarfenfuhrer.

      Reply
      • Mephisto says

        August 4, 2016 at 12:14 pm

        Jesus wouldn’t really be concerned about it. Perhaps the Mormons might.

        Reply
        • alcoboy says

          August 7, 2016 at 9:48 am

          Well, both Jesus and the Mormons don’t care much for people who scam others for personal gain. Like the Dwarfenfuhrer.

          Reply
    • Mary Smith says

      August 4, 2016 at 10:46 am

      Yes that dress is awful for someone her age.

      Reply
  35. Wognited and Out! says

    August 4, 2016 at 8:38 am

    David Miscavige is horrified that a degraded being, pts to the middle class, “big girl” panty waist dilettante is touching him….you can almost feel it, eh? Everyone knows David Miscavige, COB – likes them YOUNG and real skinny!

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      August 4, 2016 at 10:45 am

      I agree. Right away when I saw that pic of the girl with DM I could feel the disgust coming from him. I’m surprised he allowed that pic to happen. “Cringe Corner”….good one!

      Reply
      • Aquamarine says

        August 4, 2016 at 11:58 pm

        “Cringe Corner” indeed. She slops all over him in those stillettos and a ridiculous dress. With tree trunks like hers I’d stick to pants suits. She looks like she’s at a party introducing her little brother to the grown ups. End of snark.

        Reply
        • Aquamarine says

          August 5, 2016 at 12:03 am

          Actually, not end of snark, here’s some more. With 9 million people in Greater New York theoretically available to attend the Harlem Org opening, Scientologists in Florida still had to be hustled and bused in to attend. Sad, sad, sad. Can’t be much longer now.

          Reply
          • Mephisto says

            August 5, 2016 at 12:45 am

            Church of Newspeak (CON)

            Reply
  36. Dawn says

    August 4, 2016 at 8:27 am

    “Only about 20 years out of date… Then again, they still send telexes.” Lol! 🙂

    Mike, you are funny, otherwise I could stomach any of these.

    Reply
    • Dawn says

      August 4, 2016 at 8:28 am

      …otherwise I could not stomach any of these.

      Reply
      • Old Surfer Dude says

        August 4, 2016 at 2:20 pm

        No worries, Dawn! Welcome to the world of ‘senior moments.’

        Reply
        • justmeteehee says

          August 4, 2016 at 3:19 pm

          Hey OSD… Are we on baby watch yet??

          Reply
          • Old Surfer Dude says

            August 4, 2016 at 8:05 pm

            He’s due on the 13th. And we’ll be there!

            Reply
            • Old Surfer Dude says

              August 4, 2016 at 8:07 pm

              Thanks for asking!

              Reply
              • justmeteehee says

                August 5, 2016 at 10:41 am

                Awesome, down to days. My sons B’day is Aug 14th and he turned out well. Wishing and easy delivery and a lifetime of health, happiness and spoiling from Granda?

        • I Yawnalot says

          August 4, 2016 at 7:17 pm

          …

          Reply

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