Apparently desperate to get some attention…
This is how far down the tubes they have gone? A ridiculous headline that would shame the National Enquirer.
And this is the text of the “article.” It has absolutely no point. I suppose they think it’s funny? Scientology are not renowned for their sense of humor.
Secret documents obtained by this blog reveal that evil space mutants intent on the destruction of Earth have been secretly controlling the National Enquirer (purveyor of such scoops as “Adam and Eve Were Astronauts”) since 1999, when David Pecker (we do not make this stuff up!) was installed as chairman of the ill-fated publication.
Pecker has long been rumored to have been a patchwork Frankenstein, constructed from the leavings of an alien genealogical experiment involving Queen Grimhilde and Vlad the Impaler that went horribly wrong. But now, the experiment is finally petering out.
Despite such thoughtful pieces as “Bigfoot Found, and He’s Controlled by Aliens,” circulation at the publication has fallen from a high of 4 million to a mere 100,000 today. Some have speculated it was stories such as this, or possibly the publication’s relentless attacks on all that was good, that tipped off the reading public to the publication’s true loyalties.
In announcing layoffs and payroll cuts of 23 percent at the publication, Pecker stated: “Like many in the industry that have been negatively impacted by algorithm changes at Google, Facebook and others, American Media [parent company of the National Enquirer] is right-sizing the cost base to the revenue base, with strategic decisions that improve efficiencies and profitability.” Global linguistics experts have studied this statement and have determined that it is a “smoking gun” of non-human intelligence controlling the publication. “This must be how HR departments on Arcturus talk,” mused one.
Others took a different view. “This statement offers mankind hope,” stated one professor who declined to give his name, for fear of flaming retribution from outer space. “We always assume that aliens have superior technology, but this statement shows that they have made no better advances in cheap, software-based translation services than have humans. Maybe they’re fundamentally just cretins.”
It’s a sad end for the publication that once gave us the scoop, “World’s Leading UFO Authority Issues Flying Saucer Warning.”
Don’t forget—you read it here first!
Princess Leila says
hahaha! This is gold! I am laughing so hard!
This is perfect! Considering posting it on my Facebook page and see if my friends still in Scamology, love that conned word!, will start realizing that people who have dabbed too long in it are a little bit, you know, bar crazy!
If this is supposed to be satire it really sucks! If they believe it I say BS. Enquirer never ran those stories in my experience. It was The Glibe and The Sun magazines that did though. Idiots!
Andy S says
This means there are several times as many people buying into the National Enquirer than are buying into Scientology, world-wide. Nuff said.
*David Pecker is a great friend of Donald Trump and is protective of him.
*National Enquirer’s largest reading demographic is 65 and older.
What can I say? This is the essence of Scientology.
Great. Just great. Thanks Mike, I now have to change my clothes after literally laughing coffee all over myself.
My earlier post was put up before I decided to read the piece a few minutes ago.
jere Lull (39 years recovering) says
We really aren’t making this up. They acually *believe* that “stuff”. No wonder scns are so open to conspiracy theories, Anti-vax, and other anti-scientific fare. Next stop: Flat Earth.
It was the complete and utter absurdity of reality (fantasy would be a better word) inside the bubble universe of $camology that made me burst out laughing.
“…constructed from the leavings of an alien genealogical experiment involving …”
Umm, “genealogical”? The study of family history. Spare me from morons.
Er, “…genealogical experiment involving Queen Grimhilde and Vlad the Impaler that went horribly wrong.”
Queen Grimhilde, the FICTIONAL evil queen from the Snow White story and assorted movies. That Queen Grimhilde? The aliens got her FDNA (Fictional Deoxyribonucleic acid) from a bit of the original manuscript of the Brothers Grimm “Grimm’s Fairy Tales” and then spliced it in with some of Vlad Țepeș DNA which just happened to be lying around somewhere. I think I’ll stop there…brain hurting…
Clearly not Clear says
This unbelievable drivel out of a scientologist is just unbelievable. I looked at the date to make sure it wasn’t April Fool’s Day. I couldn’t believe somebody wrote this and put it out there for anyone to see.
It is deranged.
Doing the happy dance that I am out. So out.
CnC, it strikes me that it’s in the vein of the infamous fake Nazi march that then-young scientologists pulled off in Clearwater in 1979. It’s shown and put in the context of the longer history, in this article from last year:
On a side note, sort of, I wonder long before $camology jumps on this to use in their never ending and utterly useless pulp fiction about the evil psychs and drug companies? Fucked Eddie…oops…Fast Eddie could use it as “evidence” on his rant and rave page.
Chee Chalker says
I’m guessing the Enquirer is getting ready to publish an article about which COB is none too pleased.
This is a little Co$ preemptive strike
little i says
They can’t be serious. Are they being serious? It would make for a good sci-fi novel, though, only the National Inquirer would have to be given a fictional name…I’ll see what I can do👽
Loosing my Religion says
I honestly didn’t understand if he is joking. I am not an English mother tongue.
But if it is said seriously and only they have this scoop but without giving particular details then here in Italy it is called “scraping the bottom of the barrel”.
It seems that all the front groups had the ‘kind’ request to disseminate trying to pull anyone possible towards them.
Ouch. Draw air of despair.
Bruce Ploetz says
Leland Thoburn, the author, is apparently a real person. His bio says he has been a Scientologist for 45 years and once worked for Earthlink. Possible evidence for a sincere, thoughtful and utterly ludicrous real article.
But to describe Pecker as an experiment that has “petered out” cannot possibly be serious. Taking the article as a somewhat gauche attempt at satire actually gave me a few laughs.
Give the devil his due, he is either clueless to a colossal degree or having us on.
“Scientology’s BPC here,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion from his boarded up office at Freedom Magazine, “is that Ron covered the Alien Invaders story long ago and was ripped off by the National Enquirer.”
“It was Ron, after all, who reported on the fact that Africa was actually a giant game park stocked with an odd assortment of creatures from other planets. Ron was the also first to write about the Piltdown Man. Likewise, had the world listened to Ron when he wrote of the clam-jaw implant, the entire field of dentistry would have been eliminated by 1955. George Washington might still be alive today, passing away as he did in 1952 in San Diego from a bad case of wooditis caused by his wooden teeth.”
“Due to COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige’s creative financial planning which admittedly, at times, appears criminal to wogs, we in Scientology have no need to ‘right-size the cost base to the revenue base’ and thus we can endlessly pour money into barely-inhabited Orgs. We also continue to delightfully and wastefully print very quaint 20th century books and pamphleteers at our printing factory.”
“We in Scientology also have a steaming-ship that sails purposelessly to and fro among the islands and recalls the glorious days before Atlantis was submerged beneath the waves by the Fifth Invader Force attack upon the Atlanteans 22,001,571 years, 6 months, 11, days, 5 hours, and 22 minutes, and 12 seconds ago”
Oh yes, STAND League, aliens.
Here is L. Ron Hubbard lecturing about aliens and Xenu/Xemu the supreme ruler and what has supposedly happened as per his ‘research’ in this universe and on earth many million years ago and how this is influencing society till today.
Part 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrIQpmi6q4w
Part 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klbK0wJtQVU
I know that The National Enquirer has a reputation for optimism.
“circulation at the publication has fallen from a high of 4 million to a mere 100,000 today”
The entire print magazine and newspaper industry has seen similar falls as free web pages have taken over. The STAAD would love to have audited circulation figures of 100,000 today.
I won’t hold my breath for Scientology apologizing for fabricating the Macarbs, Xenu, the psychs of Farsec, the implant stations, etc.
Take Em Down says
I knew a guy named Frank. He was always at a bar drinking beer in Germany. He always used a large Stein. I guess that’s why they called him Frank and Stein…
I am exhausted after working all day and well into the night, and this awful joke, probably one of the worst puns in the history of the world is making me laugh and I can’t stop 🙂
Chris Shugart says
As one who has dabbled in the creative and performing arts, I always salute the attempt if not the execution. There’s always a glimmer of hope for anyone who’s willing to at least make an effort at humor. Don’t forget, Saddam Hussein, Fidel Castro, and L. Ron Hubbard all had strict limits on what was allowed to be funny.
Ed, glad to see OSA has put you to work scavenging for raw meat so that those who buy your particular brand of snake oil can avail themselves of L. Ron Hubbard’s astounding science fiction.
A space alien cult pointing fingers at others talking about aliens?? There’s a joke in there somewhere, but it eludes me at the moment.
Todd Cray says
Or about steeply declining numbers. Or about having a real Pecker–a very short one in scientology’s case–for a top guy.
Did someone fall head first into a trash can full of kook-aid?
I believe it was you.
Another example where science overtakes the Occult. Sophisticated radar now listens for any radio broadcasts from outer space. Hubbard was able to ride the Occult curve for a few years. His early tapes in the 1950’s talk about life on Venus and Mars. I remember stories about Edgar Casey, the famous Occultist, displayed on the cover of the magazine. This is why I prefer Blavatsky over Hubbard. She gives an outline for the Occult without getting into space aliens as much as Hubbard. Beings do not travel in spaceships. Their DNA just swirls around in space and lands like an asteroid. Goodbye Scientology.
Ms. B. Haven says
Classic pot calling the kettle black. STAAD readers should dust off their copies of History of Man by L. Ron Hubbard if they want a real life example of someone pulling something out of their ass.
If any readers here with strong stomachs want to hear how one pulls something out of their ass in real time, check this out. (For OSA net nannies reading here, this is forbidden material so don’t you dare listen!)
Notice that even when Hubbard is being audited, he’s the one in control. He definitely is talking out of his ass, hence the bad odor of Scientology.
Thanks for the link. Very interesting to see such an obedient Mary Sue. It seems to me that the root of Hubbard’s insanity is perfectly illustrated here. He dreams up a theory and describes how the theoretical universe should work. No proof of theta or thetans. He pulls it out of his ass as he goes along by just following what theoretically should work. Interesting con game actually.
Ms. B. Haven says
Yup, a kowtowing Mary Sue and a condescending Ronnie conducting substantive “whole track research” that would later become the basis for extracting billions from unquestioning followers. This recording should be made available to anyone taking an OCA test so that they can walk out the door and just hope for something better in the self improvement marketplace.
Yea, Hubbard figured out the basis of a grand con game which he probably developed while he was in hardship. It figures that once he could project a theoretical thetan state of behavior with no proof and people would believe him he got more and more bold. It explains why he could claim to have been at Kant’s lectures in Germany in the 18th century and his followers would not question him. He made the off the wall statements. Actually you can find OT VIII in the link tape. It claims that entities control the universe. That is the same message on OT VIII. Then Hubbard could claim that he was the grand savior of the universe by destroying them. Waste of time and money. Only Mary Sue once believed him.
All those PLs where Hubs mentions ‘Substantial Research’ well here it is. A narcissistic psycho bully just pulling it freewheel out of his ass. Poor Mary Sue barely says more than a few ‘Ums’ and ‘Ahs’ other than repeating back exactly what he says. And he was shocked when the mainstream medical community wanted nothing to do with Dianetics and Scientology? When they asked for his research they got this.
Tell me again, how do you drill the Pull It Out Of Your Ass Rundown? Does it require twinning? Can I get the course pack for the rundown in PDF?
Ma. B. Haven says
Actually, the Pull It Out of Your Ass Rundown is still in its pilot phase while being fully researched by COB whilst channeling LRH via copper rods he grabs onto near the 9th hole of the Gold Base golf course.
However, IAS to the rescue!!! If you have pulled something out of your ass (like your last Success Story) and are feeling a little butthurt or acquired a chapped ass then this is for you.
PS congrats on recently extracting yourself from the Mormon cult. If you live in the western US you may want to read American Zion by Betsy Gaines Quammen. Fascinating insights into the pervasive influence of that cult that most folks are completely unaware of including most Mormon politicians.
1) Thanks. Glad to be out of Mormonism.
2) Re: COB and channeling LRH with copper rods. Is any lightning involved? I hope so. That would be fun to watch.