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Thursday Funnies

January 6, 2022 By Mike Rinder 36 Comments

 

Phoenix Rising in Albuquerque

They should probably pay more attention to the dead phoenix in Phoenix where the ideal org is a morgue.

The Chan Man is going to make their postulates stick — just watch, Phoenix and Albuquerque will be booming soon.

 

Your Defining Moment?

Another one of these seminars that every org needs. Funny how they offer up advice to everyone on how to expand, but can’t seem to do so themselves….

Again with the advice…

If he was so good making his postulates stick don’t you think CC would have at least one new major celebrity in the past decade who was promoting scientology?

 

The Art of Persuasion

This just all looks so religious and not at all commercial.

Learn how to sell from a dentist.

 

 

 

Big News in Columbus

The “ideal” org had someone complete something. She looked up a bunch of words and now her life is saved!

 

Looking Up More Words

These “ideal” orgs are cranking on the word clearing.

 

Well, yes, but nobody is doing this 

They are all doing wordclearing.

I thought the people of Ireland spoke Irish and English?  You would think one org for an entire country would be struggling to keep up with the demand from their own people?

Bye Bye Fast Eddie

Seems our old friend has been put out to pasture (RPF?)

One too many fuck-ups I guess. It was inevitable….

 

 

Got to watch out for the Sea Org Members

Can’t trust the sanitization of a random (?) gym (that I have a membership to)…

 

Are you going to invite Tony Muhammad?

He should have some good comments

 

They got one!

This “ideal” org is proud to have a new staff member.

Just check out those impressive graphs with no numbers!

Clearing the Planet!

Not.

A new recruitment pool for the Sea Org

 

No English needed

Pictures tell the story. More graphs without numbers.

 

Activating the Port Elizabeth field

Preparing themselves for the “big push” to get an ideal org building. All 5 of them.

(Gqeberha is now the official name of the city)

 

AOSHUK had 4 completions

The first we have heard from them in a year!

2 of them from Eastern Europe and 2 without names.

 

We are open

That is all

 

The same old bs every year

The US Government is going to help people get up the Bridge.

Yeah, right.

Reserve your seat!

You will be the only one to do so… So better call fast.

 

Start a Front Group

Funny how a Way to Happiness Chapter is all under the banner of (c) SCIENTOLOGY

 

How to handle anyone about scientology

Seating is limited!

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Filed Under: Funnies Tagged With: Albuquerque, Alex Alemis, AOSHUK, Applied Scholastics, CC Int, Chicago, Columbus, Dave Pettit, Dublin Org, Ed Parkin, FCDC, Foothills Msn, Hamburg, Learning Centre, Meghan Fialkoff, Michael Chan, Phoenix Org, port elizabeth, STAND League, Sydney, Vancouver org, way to happiness

Comments

  1. Aquamarine says

    January 11, 2022 at 5:41 pm

    Here are some question I would submit in writing to Professional Postulate Maker Mr. Michael Chan:

    Dear Mr. Chan,
    As the postulate expert in these here parts, I have some survey questions for you to answer if you don’t mind as follows:

    1) What are YOUR postulates for Scientology in general and Scientology orgs in particular? Please list them out.
    2) Would one of your OT postulates be for our Org to go Ideal by _______(date)?
    3) If so, have you postulated this yet?
    4) And if you have postulated us going Ideal – what’s the problem? We’re far from Ideal yet. And yet you postulated this, and you’re here to teach US how to make our postulates “stick”.

    5) Any clue as to why YOUR postulates don’t stick?

    6) Any clue as to why, if you can’t make your own postulates stick, you’re here charging us to teach us something you don’t yourself know how to do?

    Please send me your responses and feel free to write up any wins and cognitions you may have had by responding to this informal survey, Mr. Chan.

    Much love,
    Aqua

    Reply
  2. Zola says

    January 7, 2022 at 10:29 am

    Happy to read that Ed has taken a SEAT. (Severe Ethics and Torture)
    He was probably getting tired of all that STANDing.

    Reply
  3. I Yawnalot says

    January 6, 2022 at 11:22 pm

    It just wouldn’t be the same without ‘Chan the Scam’ involved.

    Reply
    • Jere Lull says

      January 7, 2022 at 11:31 am

      The only thing the Chan-man can make stick is clams’ money — to McSavage’s bank , never to do anything the tiny tyrant™ doesn’t benefit directly from.

      Reply
  4. Loosing my Religion says

    January 6, 2022 at 10:11 pm

    “How to talk to people about scn”

    First of all the first step is to see if anyone really cares about scn or one is just going to piss them off and look even more like an alien.
    Then it seems to me more a form of camouflaged pre-PTS handling than dissemination.

    However the result will always be the same in the end: just LYING!

    Reply
    • Jere Lull says

      January 7, 2022 at 11:35 am

      LIES is all that scn offers — or CAN offer. From word 1 of book 1. All lies.

      Reply
  5. Ms. B. Haven says

    January 6, 2022 at 6:38 pm

    As Bruce’s grandma used to say, if wishes were horses beggars would ride.

    My dad always said, “hold out both hands, shit in one and wish in the other and see which one fills up first.”

    Dave Petit has done this and he has found himself in charge of a pile of worthless shit called Celebrity Centre. Good luck with your postulates seminar, you could use as much luck as you can get just to scrounge up a couple dozen dupes to sit and listen then fend off the regges when you’re done with your ‘OT’ blovations.

    Reply
    • Mark says

      January 7, 2022 at 11:18 am

      Ms. B,
      I like what your dad said.
      Happy New Year!

      Reply
  6. Tsu Dho Nimh says

    January 6, 2022 at 6:05 pm

    Ed Parkin’s verified Twitter account (@EPStandLeague) is likewise gone. It appears to be renamed to @standmonitor, which as of this post is an unverified Twitter account.

    Reply
  7. Aquamarine says

    January 6, 2022 at 5:31 pm

    “How To Handle Anyone About Scientology.”
    “Seating is limited.”
    But not as limited as Scientology’s membership.

    “Recover your education.”
    How about getting one in the first place?

    “Activate the Port Elizabeth field.”
    Living, breathing, ambulatory masses of protoplasm bearing some resemblance to humanoid form urgently needed.

    Reply
    • Mark says

      January 7, 2022 at 11:19 am

      Aqua,
      👋🏽😂😂😂

      Reply
  8. Real says

    January 6, 2022 at 4:57 pm

    The Tidy Bowl Man will be available to fish out any survivors from the wreck of the S.S. Scamololgy…

    Reply
  9. Fred G. Haseney says

    January 6, 2022 at 3:23 pm

    Re: Big News in Columbus

    Justine Bales may need Review auditing after attesting to Method 1. There are grammatical errors in her Success Story. Who is wearing the Director of Promotion and Marketing hat at her org?

    Reply
    • Real says

      January 7, 2022 at 11:59 am

      Why Fred, the DPM post there is held by another M1 completion. Of course.

      Reply
  10. jim rowles says

    January 6, 2022 at 2:52 pm

    As the substance of scientology evermore diminishes the lipstick gets thicker and gaudier. Thanks, Mike, for giving us the chance to see the pig in all of its colors.

    Reply
    • Aquamarine says

      January 11, 2022 at 5:49 pm

      jim, that is a very insulting comment – to pigs. Please apologize to pigs everywhere.

      Reply
  11. safetyguy says

    January 6, 2022 at 1:27 pm

    Will the last person leaving Gold Base please turn off the lights?

    Reply
  12. PeaceMaker says

    January 6, 2022 at 1:23 pm

    Chicago and Austin have been built for a year, but the CofS can’t do something rational like move the orgs into the renovated buildings they supposedly desperately needed to “expand,” and have the ceremonial openings later when it seems safe. Instead they’ve left the small and failing orgs saddled with the additional costs and disadvantages of being stuck in rented space, particularly wasteful because I think in the case of Chicago they are left paying hefty commercial tax rates on the big building until they actually start using it for ‘religious’ purposes.

    They also don’t seem to have actually begun work on any of the new projects in the last two years. If and when they do try to they may run into the problem that cost them a years’ worth of delay in Austin, that in a busy construction market their bad habit of waiting until the last minute leaves them behind the ball.

    Their failing, seemingly incapable project management (witness all the building sitting empty going on decades), is an indicator of how badly scientology does in the real world, and how that is only getting worse. And sadly, the cost of say unnecessary delays and expenses on just one of these projects, is in more or less the sort of six-figure range equivalent to the unwise debt-fueled donations that members were pressured in to in order to fund these projects (see the red promo piece about sales techniques), that have resulted in bankruptcy and loss of members’ own homes.

    Reply
  13. The Moose says

    January 6, 2022 at 1:09 pm

    Who is left that wants to go to that mission in order to learn how to talk to people about Scientology? I have a hard time thinking of a less fun seminar.

    Reply
  14. Cindy says

    January 6, 2022 at 1:02 pm

    The seminar at the Foothills Mission on how to talk to anyone about Scn… There is no name for the speaker. Usually they tout who will be giving the seminar, but not this time.

    Reply
    • Jere Lull says

      January 7, 2022 at 11:39 am

      A “free” seminar — to enter, anyway. Getting out? A different matter. Don’t forget your freshly-minted Chase® cards.

      Reply
  15. Cindy says

    January 6, 2022 at 1:00 pm

    “Another one of these seminars that every org needs. Funny how they offer up advice to everyone on how to expand, but can’t seem to do so themselves….” This is the Quote of the Month!

    Reply
    • Jere Lull says

      January 7, 2022 at 11:41 am

      Expansion ‘tech”. They keep doing the same thing, only more so, and expect different outcomes😇

      Reply
  16. Ms. B. Haven says

    January 6, 2022 at 12:55 pm

    I wonder how well Cap’n Dave Petit can actually make postulates stick himself being in charge of Celebrity Centre. He didn’t do so well when he was on staff at Orange County Org all those years ago when they went ‘St. Hill size’ and got the ‘universe corp’ there to get all the staff thru their ‘OT levels’. The place has shrunk considerably since then and if I recall correctly the ‘universe corp’ was only around a couple of weeks.

    Reply
    • Jere Lull says

      January 7, 2022 at 11:44 am

      There’s a second “Cap’n Dave”? McSavage CAN’T have that!

      Reply
  17. Ms. B. Haven says

    January 6, 2022 at 12:51 pm

    So scientologist Erika Falke wants to get in awesome shape without being exposed to filthy degraded beings that might give them cooties. Fer christ sakes Erika, use your imagination. People have been getting in awesome shape for millennia without a gym membership. Use your awesome powers of recall and venture down the ‘time track’ to your school days when you might have done some calisthenics in a PE class. It isn’t rocket science.

    Or, maybe you will realize that you are ‘out-KSW’ with other fish to fry by working out instead of being on course more or working extra so you can move up in your IAS status.

    Reply
  18. Geoff Levin says

    January 6, 2022 at 12:48 pm

    The regs say, “Hey, put your auditing on a card and in 2022 you will easily get it back with the new level of ability you gain from your next step on the grade chart! And you will pay less in taxes for 2021.”
    That’s how I stayed in CC debt for 44 years. The scam of the century. One of the BIG LIES.

    Reply
  19. george.m.white says

    January 6, 2022 at 11:26 am

    Today I am counting back fifty years since my first contact with Scientology taking the communications course in New York City. This entire organization went backwards. Even Tom Cruise in his nasty film “Minority Report” makes more sense.

    Reply
  20. Bruce Ploetz says

    January 6, 2022 at 10:28 am

    Mike, some thoughts about the endless “postulate stickyness” seminars –

    For the never-in, a postulate is very like a wish or a prayer in Scientology except they don’t pray to a higher power. They are petitioning themselves instead. No Big Being in the Sky for them!

    They think that all of everything was originally postulated into existence. By older wiser versions of themselves.

    The theory is that to perform magic, as for example making an ashtray disappear, you would just have to know all the postulates that were made to form that ashtray. If it is a big clear glass ashtray, the classic version, they are saying they would have to know the history of every grain of sand that was fused to make the glass, back to the time the layers of rock were deposited that were ground by weather into sand, back to the formation of the rocky parts of earth by accretion of star matter in space, back to the formation of the stars, back to the Big Bang…

    Small wonder that all the ashtrays are still there.

    But even beyond that, imagine the hubris of thinking that you could know all those details just by looking at an ashtray. Knowing by just knowing (really just imagining). This is what they are really supposed to be doing when they are “shouting at the ashtray”, knowing it intimately well enough that it will respond to their commands. Just by what they call a “Tone 40” (highest level) postulate or intention.

    Well, delusion is deep in these poor souls. But the idea is part of Scientology from the lowest level to the highest. Early on you are supposed to learn to be “at cause”, better than “at effect” I suppose. Extroverts only, no introverts allowed. Though in some ways this is really a technique borrowed from the modus operandi of a malignant narcissist. The one who is utterly “at cause” with his partner would be more like a rapist than a partner. A Ponzi scheme grifter is “at cause” over his clients.

    In the old system, at Operating Thetan VIII you were supposed to become “at cause over matter, energy, space, time and life” or some such. In other words, your postulates rule. Somehow they wimped that down soon after it was released. Now they just “find out who they’re really not” or something and the real magical tyranny is supposed to happen at a higher level. That somehow has never been released.

    As my grandma used to say, if wishes were horses beggars would ride.

    That makes the “Posulates Seminar” a real oddity. All of Scientology is already about “making your postulates stick”. The Training Routines, especially those known as “Upper Indoctrination” which features shouting, whispering and silently commanding an ashtray and then goes on to commanding another person, are all about this. Training Routines are done very early on, disguised as a “Communications Course”. It is even part of the Narconon so-called drug rehabilitation scheme.

    If, after spending $100,000s or even $millions on Scientology you still can’t make your postulates stick, something is very wrong indeed. It is almost like the whole thing doesn’t work, everybody knows it, and the poor rubes are still falling for the schtick. Do they really think David Petit has some hidden data that will make the whole thing suddenly work after all??

    Everybody is already supposed to have read all the Hubbard books, listened to all the lectures, seen all the films. What could he expel out of his anterior cavity that has not already been said a thousand times?

    If someone was actually manning the guns at the Religious Technology Center, David Petit would be shot from them for even suggesting that he could do in a seminar what Hubbard failed to do over his whole career. Verbal Data! The Hidden Data Line!

    Looks to me like Scientologists don’t even find this a bit odd. They know it is just a sales pitch. They must know the whole thing is just a sales pitch. Otherwise, where are the Scientology Las Vegas billionaires who can postulate that the little roulette ball always falls on the red? Even a weensy-peensy tiny sticky postulate like that would pay for lots of Roads to Total Freedom. If it worked.

    Reply
    • Scott H says

      January 6, 2022 at 6:37 pm

      Bruce I always enjoy your posts and this one is no exception. The ‘stickiness’ of postulates has always bothered me what with the countless seminars each year and as you said (paraphrasing here) what can he say that hasn’t been said a million times before?

      My question to still-ins and former members is this: do any of the few remaining public go to these seminars or do they avoid the obvious regging trap?

      Reply
      • Mark says

        January 7, 2022 at 12:01 pm

        Hey Scott,
        When I was living in L.A. and taking courses at ASHO, I figured out pretty quickly that ANY scientology event would be A) too long and B) a money grab, and worked insane hours at my various jobs in order to avoid the events and stick to taking courses on Saturdays and Sundays, which I believed at the time to be the most efficient use of my time(ah, the cult kool-aid years…).
        Later, as a staff member in DC, after working, mandatorily, at a few events, I purposely scheduled gigs and other kinds of work on the weekends so that I didn’t have to work them anymore. If anyone pressured me to do so, I would remind him or her that my weekly staff pay barely covered my weekly cigarette-and-Starbucks-coffee habit…

        I was in L.A. from 1999 to 2002 and the course rooms then were packed and the events were generally well-attended. L. Ron Hubbard Way was full of people and on course breaks there was a long line at the canteen. When I moved to Washington, DC in 2002, the org was smaller and significantly less busy. When the “Ideal Org” opened there a few years later(2009) and the initial hoopla died down, the place was even quieter and more empty than the old org(which, in terms of foot traffic, was actually a MUCH better location). The whole “ideal org” scam pushed a lot of folks away…The focus on collecting money, as opposed to auditing and training people(and, yes that was a scam, too, but not to a Hubbard Kool Aid drinker), caused the more casual members to quietly drift off, and the more ardent champions of the dreck to venture off to Indie Land…
        As others have done, I say, ” Very Well Done, Captain Knob” for being an ignorant, bitch-slapping, slave-abusing, Macallan-swilling Gobshite who has causatively and thetanically fucked the cult into an accelerated decline !
        Hip, hip, shit spray!

        Reply
        • Scott H says

          January 8, 2022 at 8:49 pm

          Thanks Mark, I shall now refer to DM as that ‘ignorant, bitch-slapping, slave-abusing, Macallan-swilling Gobshite’.

          Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?

          Reply
    • Geoff Levin says

      January 6, 2022 at 7:40 pm

      Bruce, well stated. Scientology seems to sound logical until you understand the built in lies of it.

      Reply
      • Jere Lull says

        January 7, 2022 at 11:51 am

        scientology seems to have a logic UNTIL you understand the underlying LIES. Then it still has a recognizable “logic” to it, just not the one they would have you believe. Ya’ gotta go through a lot of alternate/obscure definitions of the words used to make it seem to make sense.

        Reply
  21. grisianfarce says

    January 6, 2022 at 10:11 am

    Mr OTIII Insert Name Here has the haunted look of a person who KNOWS there are body thetans everywhere. There is even one crawling up your nose. AOSHUK! Bless you.

    Reply
  22. otherles says

    January 6, 2022 at 10:02 am

    If any of the doctrines of Scientology actually worked they would be copied.

    Do I have to tell the window washing story again?

    Reply

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